


A Precious Secret

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Episode Related, Mpreg, Points of View, Romance, Season/Series 03, Spoilers, Unsafe Sex, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-14
Updated: 2008-05-25
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:19:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 76,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian and Justin have just had their office reconciliation after the fiddler and Justin already has another secret. Extra warnings I don't get CowLip's timeline so I'm winging it.





	1. Reunification

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

"Mr. Kinney?"

"Taylor…come in…sit down…you wanted to see me?"

"I gave it some thought and I decided you should take me back."

"Oh?"

"Even though I have made a few mistakes, I think you'd be making an even bigger one not to give me a second chance."

"I see."

"Cause now I understand what it is you want of me and I know what I can expect from you."

"You also understand that you'll be required to work long hard hours, sometimes deep into the night."

"It'd be a pleasure to work under you, sir."

"And you're never to play violin music in my presence again."

"I promise."

"Good. Well then, you can start immediately."

Justin's POV

Brian and I rushed to the loft after an amazing fuck in his office and we were touching, stroking, grabbing, and caressing in the jeep all the way but now that we are here, we are hot and heavy once again. We barely made it through the door and Brian pushed me up against the couch and now he is rubbing his erection tightly against my ass, his lust as all consuming as mine.

Brian is roughly scratching, biting, and sucking at all the skin he can reach while he quickly prepares me with his other hand. I am still open from when we had sex at the office so I know this is going to be a rough, hard, and fast ride if he feels the need to lube me up even more.

"Oh my God!" I scream out as Brian plunges into me to the hilt.

"Are you ok?" he asks, his voice tinged with concern and quilt.

"Ok? Hell yeah, I'm ok. Do that again." I growl as I grind my ass back against him, hard.

Brian chuckles in my ear, a hot horny sound and pulls out almost all the way before plunging in again. Throughout the entire fuck I am almost screaming and his groans could probably be heard by the neighbors.

A Couple Hours Later

I'm laying here on the bed after our fourth or is it fifth bout since we got back to the loft and every part of my body hurts. My lips, my ass, my dick, and everything in between is aching and burning and it feels so good. I have missed Brian so much.

The whole room, hell the whole loft, reeks of sex but I don't feel like moving to shower, much less change the sheets. I am curled up on Brian's chest and I feel myself drifting off to sleep to the sound of his heart beating. My eyes are drifting closed when I hear Brian speak.

"So what time are you going to be going back to Daphne's?"

I feel my body stiffen for a minute as the pain of what he is really saying 'when are you leaving' hits me. But I remember what I agreed to and I consciously force myself to relax. I told him I knew what to expect and if he wants me to leave, then I will do it…without any indication that it hurts.

"Actually I should be going but I want to take a shower first, if that's ok?"

"Yeah, sure, you don't have to ask that."

His voice is slightly disbelieving that I ask that but I know I will always ask that now because I don't want to assume anything anymore. It is too hard on both of us and I will not cause him any more pain. Plus, I really don't feel like being in pain again either.

I jump up and do a quick search to find my clothes which are all around the apartment when they were thrown in our haste to touch each other's bare skin. As soon as I have them I go jump in the shower to get our cum off me so at least Daphne won't wrinkle her nose at me because of the smell.

As I am washing, I laugh a little about the amount of cum that is on my body for the countless times I came and twice Brian had actually pulled out and ripped the condom off and shot all over me. I smile when I think about him doing it because I know he did it to 'mark his territory' and that he would never admit that was why either.

I silently laugh as I find cum in my hair, on my neck, chest, stomach, and I even find some coming from my ass crack. 

'I wonder how that got there, what weird moment of Brian's was that' I silently question.

As soon as I finish my quick wash, I towel dry and throw on my clothes. I have to get out of here without Brian knowing that this hurts me because it does, but I love him and I can do it for him.

I mentally steel myself and open the bathroom door so I can leave. I walk over to Brian and quickly bend down and kiss him, just a quick peck on the lips and head to the door. As my hand touches the door and I think I'm home free, Brian ruins my momentum by speaking.

"Do you need a ride?"

"Oh no, don't worry. I'm gonna catch a cab. Being an intern pays better than a bus boy." I say in a teasing voice that I hope is convincing.

Before Brian can utter another word, I slip out the door.

Brian's POV

A Couple of Weeks Later

He has done it again and again, I am not sure how. Justin has wormed his way back into my life and there is nothing I can do about it. And to be honest, I'm not sure I even want to do anything about it.

Now we've been back doing this, whatever it is for a couple weeks and it's is going to become public knowledge tonight. We are here in my playground, we are at Babylon and we are dancing. Every once in a while tonight as we dance, I forget that anything has changed then I notice queers all over the place staring at us. Not that it is unusual for them all to stare at us, but before the fiddler when they stared at us, there was only lust and envy in their eyes but now, there is so much more. There is speculation and pity and I hate it but fuck them, what do they matter.

Justin looks a little tired but he keeps telling me it's nothing. I feel eyes watching us again but this time when I look up, it's Mikey, Ben, Em, and Ted. Hmmmm, Mikey does not look pleased. Ben looks happy for us, Em looks ecstatic, and Ted well Ted looks…tweaked?? Ted, oh well, I'm sure he won't pull the almost dying thing again. But fuck thinking about others, cause right now all I want is to get back inside of Justin, but as I drag him towards the backroom he hesitates.

"Hey maybe we should go back to your place, everyone is saying there are undercover cops everywhere."

"Oh fuck, that's what makes it hot."

Those are the words that are coming out of my mouth but inwardly I'm cursing Stockwell for fucking with us, as in queer. The guy's a dick but he's also a multimillion dollar account. So I just proceed to pull Justin deeper into the backroom so I can fuck his brains out.

I leaned him up against the wall in a quiet corner and lowered my head so I could devour his beautiful strawberry lips. As we kissed, I reached down and expertly opened his pants and slipped my hand inside. Even after all this time I almost groan out loud when my hand touches his bare cock. His is surprising, for someone with his slight frame he has a big cock. It's not as long as mine but it is wider. 

I have always loved nice cocks and his is perfect. It is wide with a nice head and it is always a fantastic pink color. When I start to stroke him, he moans desperately into my mouth and I eat the sound. The sounds he makes have always gone straight to my cock, this one making a drop of precum dribble from my head and slid down my rod.

"Fuck me, Brian."

His pleading has always done it for me and more times then not, when it comes to sex, I give him what he pleads for. This time is no different. As soon as the words are out of his mouth, I spin him around to face the wall. As he braces himself against the wall with his head pillowed on his arms, I make quick work of shoving his pants to his ankles. 

I rip open with condom with my teeth and watch him shiver as the noise flows through him. I love that just the sound causes such a reaction in him. I then slip on the condom and rip open one of the little packets of lube I always carry. After coating my cock in the stuff, I smear the rest on my fingers and put one to his entrance.

I swirl my middle finger around his hole for a minute or so while he does all he can to capture it. He is shoving back desperately and making little pleading sounds when I push slightly, but not enough, to break through the ring of muscle. Finally he has had enough of my teasing,

"Quit fucking teasing me, asshole. And fuck me." he growls loud enough for a bunch of people to hear.

He blushes crimson when he realizes I just made him beg for it in the backroom but before he can do anything about it, I slid my finger up him in one smooth stroke.

"Oh."

I quickly open him up, first one finger, then two, and finally I am fucking his tight ass with three fingers while he thrusts back, impaling himself deeper.

When I can't take it anymore and I just have to be inside of him, I pull my fingers out, an action that is met with a disappointed groan. The sound stopped in the middle though when he felt my cock at his entrance.

I feel everyone watching as I take Justin deeply against the wall. I am using long deep strokes and making him whimper for me to pick up speed but I don't.

When I feel Justin start to shake after a while, I know that he needs to get off now. As many times as we have had sex he still can't hold out too long. I make my strokes faster and start stabbing at his prostate with each stroke. After a few thrusts like this I reach around and start pulling on his cock. Moments later it's all over for him and he is moaning loudly as he shoots all over the wall in front of him. His orgasm triggers mine as his walls clamp down on my cock, squeezing the cum out of me.

As I come down from my own orgasm, I grip the end of the condom and slip out of him slowly. I quickly tie the condom off and buckle up my pants. When I'm done I notice Justin hasn't moved from his spot and is just leaning against the wall. He hasn't even pulled up his pants. I also observe that a lot of men are now staring wantonly at his bare ass so I glare at them and bend down to pull up his pants myself.

After I have his pants up and buckled, he still has moved so I lean my head on his shoulder to ask 'what's up' when I notice his face. His already pale skin is paper white and I become alarmed.

"Justin, what's wrong?"

"What?" he asks in a dazed voice.

"I said what's wrong?"

I'm becoming more concerned by the second.

"Oh, nothing. I guess you just really took it out of me. I'm tired as hell."

I try to read his face looking for the truth but it looks like he is telling the truth.

"Ok, well I'll drive you back to Daphne's then."

"No Brian, you don't have to do that. I don't want to ruin your night. I will just call a cab or Daphne."

"You're not ruining my night. I have to go home anyway. I have a shit load of work to do."

It's true, with all this Stockwell shit I'm up to my eyes in work and I'm having trouble being my usual genius self cause God, I hate that fucking prick. But even though it's true, I can tell Justin doesn't believe me but he also doesn't argue which means he must be really tired.

All the way to Daphne's there is silence in the car because of how tired Justin is, but unlike if I were in the car with anyone else, this silence isn't uncomfortable. We've always had this way about us where we could talk for hours or not talk at all and either was fine. 

I just realized how much I missed that.

He goes to leave the car and I pull him back. I give him a quick gentle kiss and then let him leave.

"Get some sleep."

"Yes Daddy."

"Twat."

Two Weeks Later

Justin's POV

"Hey, I'll give you an extra hundred if you show your cock."

'God, did Brian just say that?' What kind of stupid question is that? Of course he did, he's incorrigible. And that's one of the reasons I love him.

"You got it." This guy's kidding himself as he pulls open his pants and flashes Brian. Like he wanted to see it here. If he just wanted to see it, he would have taken you to the bathroom and fucked you, not offered you money, dumbass.

"I meant up there," says Brian. 

What a surprise, I could have told you that.

"Of course."

Haha, the guy's actually gonna do it. Brian's evil. Haha.

"You're evil."

"I'm sweet."

He kisses me in this gentle sweet way, as if to prove his words. It's kind of true when he wants to be, but he can be evil when he wants to be too. You just have to hope you're on the sweet side more often than not.

Two Hours Later

I can't fucking believe that fucking Stockwell. Fucking homophobe, trying to get rid of all the fags. How the hell is this guy any different from fucking Hitler. I need to do something about this asshole. He needs to be stopped. I know that he is Brian's client but he needs to be stopped, even Brian is starting to see that. Maybe I'll str…

I rush to the bathroom, barely making it before losing everything in my stomach. I feel like I have been puking for hours when my stomach finally stops rolling and I slid down the wall next to the toilet.

I have been feeling so weak and lightheaded these last two weeks but this nausea is going to kill me. I guess I have the flu.

 

 

AN: Happy Birthday Rory I hope you're liking your story so far.


	2. Fired

  
Author's notes:

Brian gets fired, the gang reacts, and Brian notices somethings off with Justin.

* * *

Brian's POV

Oh he has really done it now, after Stockwell closed down Woody's, the entire gay population is after his blood and I seem to be in the cross hairs. Deb has laid into me, as well as Ben and even Mikey and Justin keeps looking at me in this weird way as if he is waiting for something.

The diner is full of protesters and people flinging angry words at me so I figure fuck them, Stockwell is my big chance and I leave with their words ringing in my ears. I've got to drop this tape at Stockwell's office and ignore the nagging in my gut.

"Just got the on air version of the ad we shot, thought I'd drop it by. You come off great and your interaction with the kids, it's terrific." 

I say, stroking an already over inflated ego even thought it makes me nauseous and I have everyone one in the gang's words ring in my ears.

"I'll look at it later."

'Well, what the hell is with that tone? Something is going on and it isn't good.'

"Something up?"

"I had a pow wow with my advisers today. We all think you've done a great job but at this critical juncture we feel we need to move in a new direction."

'What that is bullshit, what is going on here? He is only winning because of me. He'd have to be insane to be firing me.'

"I turned your fucking campaign around."

"I'm aware of that."

"Then why at this critical juncture are you firing me?"

"Let's just say we no longer bat for the same team."

'Ok, not insane, fucking homophobic. God damn prick is cutting his nose off to spite his face. This man needs a fucking helmet'

"What team is that, the Pittsburgh poon chasers?"

No way you're firing me without at least admitting the reason you're doing it, you fucking coward. God, I feel myself losing it then I see those blue eyes with a gentle sad smile in them as they have been lately and I'm immediately calming down.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

God, you can judge people on something that they have no control over. Hell, you can hate them for it, but you don't have the balls to admit that's why you're firing me. Oh, hell no.

"I'm talking about pussy, Jim. Look don't insult me, one of your posse saw me at Woody's last night and reported back."

Hello, I'm not fucking stupid, asshole.

"You should have told me."

Why the hell does everyone think it's their right to know who I fuck?

"Well, my rule has always been if I'm not sucking your cock then it's none of your fucking business."

Don't worry, I would never fuck your ugly ass.

"That's where you're wrong. Anything that could cost me this campaign is my fucking business."

I am walking out of his office with all the dignity I can muster and all I can think is I just turned everyone in my life against me, well except Justin, because he hasn't said anything but I see his disappointment in his eyes so I guess him too, and I did it for that man who just fired me. Well, I didn't really do it for him, but for the money he could bring me and the freedom that money means.

Ever since my childhood with a hard drink, hard hitting, hard working blue collar father, I have known that money would free me from that hell and throughout my adult life I have kept that up.

Fuck it, at least I still have my job and Stockwell will regret firing me, I'm the best.

A Couple of Hours Later

I am in Woody's playing darts with Mikey watching Deb sulking and getting drunk at the bar and waiting for the inevitable.

"Sure didn't take them long to reopen."

Oh, poor naive Mikey.

"I told you it's all a game. He closes them down, they pay a little fine. He gets a hit in the press, your mom's the one that had to take it seriously."

God, they have to make everything into this huge thing.

"She doesn't know about games. She takes everything to heart. You on the other hand, are the perfect political animal. Hands steady, eyes fixed firmly on the target, say anything, do anything."

I look over at Deb as Mikey's talking and my chest clenches because I know Deb is hurting. She always tries to save everyone, especially all of her gay boys but she just can't seem to understand that the world's not like that.

Hmmm, those words are ringing false in my ears even though I know they are true. I've been hanging out with Deb and Justin too much; they are both too idealistic.

Well, I might as well tell Mikey, he will tell Deb and it'll make her feel better.

"He canned me."

"Huh?"

"Stockwell, he fucking canned me."

"For what?"

"For being here, one of his cops recognized me."

"Trapped in a web of your own deceit. A victim of your own machinations."

"Save the bad dialog for your comic book."

"That's what you get working for heteros, you should have taken your own advice. Wait until my mom finds out, that will cheer her up."

"Glad to be of assistance."

It takes a minute but my news has the desired effect and as soon as Deb perks up and is through rubbing my face in my failure, I cut out of here. I need to be away from these people and with someone who will support me, even when he thinks I'm wrong. 

I call Justin.

Justin's POV

I am hunched over my desk with my plans to stop Stockwell right in front of me. I haven't said anything to Brian about what I am planning because I can see the stress he is under and I really don't wanna cause more.

Brian is being pulled in so many directions that he looks like he is being torn apart. Not that most people would notice any difference in him, but his eyes have always told so much more than he wants them to and I can see the conflict in them.

I try to be there for him because everyone else is just blaming him for 'acting like an asshole' or 'for being a sell out' but I know how much this is costing him and I try to understand why he is doing it. For some reason, that seems to hinge on his childhood; that is why he has to have lots of money and why being the best at everything is so important to him.

I get the being the best because his parents always told him he would never be anything and I guess the money is an escape that has just lingered over into his adult life. Not that I know this is true, cause God forbid Brian share anything, but it is just the fact that I have always been able to read him better than most people in his life. 

Well, ignoring the whole Ethan thing where I couldn't read him at all and that led me to believe everyone else's thoughts and views on our relationship instead of sticking with what I have always known to be true. Because of this we have taken several very big steps back in our relationship and a couple steps forward.

God, I don't know why I am thinking like this; it's not doing anyone any good but lately I have been finding myself drifting off at the oddest moments. That must be just a weird side effect to this flu I got which doesn't seem to be going away any time soon. At least I haven't spent hours puking since that first time, now that is something I don't miss at all.

I have just gotten myself back to my preliminary sketch for my plan to rid Liberty Ave. of Stockwell and his constant police patrol, when my cell phone rings. I think about ignoring it, but something in me never lets me ignore a ringing phone because it could be an emergency.

It was. When I picked it up and heard Brian's voice on the other end, I knew just by his tone something was very wrong.

"Hey, Sunshine."

"Hi Brian, what's up?"

"Not much. Wanna fuck?"

Wow, something must really be wrong; he is acting weird.

"Yeah. You coming to get me?"

"Yeah, I'm almost there."

"Ok, I'll be right out."

Brian hangs up without another word and I'm running around the apartment grabbing my stuff and leaving a quick note for Daphne. As I bounce down the stairs, another wave of dizziness hits me and I start to fall down the stairs. At the last second I catch myself on the banister and I stand still waiting for the feeling to pass.

Maybe something is really wrong with me.

I see the jeep pull up from my position and I know I need to push this feeling aside to concentrate on what's wrong with Brian.

Brian's POV 

I knew he would come with me just for the asking and I knew he knew more was wrong than just that I wanted him. Not that I didn't want him but I also need him. I need him to give his unwavering support like no one else ever has.

You would think that it would be Mikey or even Lindsay that I would say that about but it wasn't true. They will both let me get away with basically anything, like Justin, but he does it because he knows how hard things are for me and they do it because they don't think I'm capable of better.

A Couple Hours Later

Justin and I are still laying in the dark of the bedroom, all the lights are off in the loft, even the blue one above our bed…shit, my bed. It is the total darkness where we can really talk, where I can let him comfort me. Sometimes he does nothing but lay there and listen to me talk, sometimes though he holds and or gives me advice but mostly he's just here with me.

I have never felt as safe with someone in my entire life, safe and terrified. Safe because I know he will never judge me for what I tell him and he would never tell anyone, but terrified by the power he has over me. A power that he has already used to rip out my heart.

Not that I blame our break up totally on him because I know some of the blame, ok most of the blame, is mine but he was supposed to read me and not let me push him away. He was supposed to get us through this in spite of me and for a while there, he just gave up.

I can't do this, I can't keep thinking about this, I…oh great idea, Justin. I begin not to think as I feel his right hand start exploring my body. He has always known when I go too far into my head and he always knows how to get me out of it and in such a pleasant way too.

His hand is lightly caressing my pecs and I just lay back and watch. I know my baby has plans for me, I can feel it in his touch, gentle yet assertive. Justin shifts until he is leaning over me and he looks down at my face with a feral grin on his.

"What's that look about?"

"What look?"

"You are not fucking me, Justin."

"Now why ever would you think that?"

"Justin."

I caution him, letting him know I mean what I say.

"Don't worry Brian, I have no plans on fucking you. But I do plan on nibbling on your ear until you're wiggling beneath me and then I'll lick a trail down to your neck."

I moan out loud as he does just that. I feel my dick standing at attention cause it knows, just like I do, that this is going to be a good night. 

"And when I get to your neck I'm going to lick it and suck it, almost hard enough to leave a mark but I'll let go right before it does and then I'm going to…"

The moaning and shifting I'm doing as he describes what he is going to do right before he does it, is cut off but I do let out a small yelp that quickly turns into a groan as he bites me.

"Bite it."

"Uh, no shit Sunshine."

He continues his narrative as he makes his way down my body, worshipping every inch of me that he can. Every inch of me is soon wet with his saliva and flushed with a deep abiding passion that only Justin has ever been able to provoke.

He rims my naval of a few minutes and by that time I am so close to begging. Begging for what I don't know, my body wants it all, want him to suck me, wants to fuck him, and want to get fucked by him.

I am thrusting my hips up, hitting his shoulder with my cock trying to get him to move on but he seems intent on teasing me. Just as I am about to vocally beg him, he rares up and engulfs my cock, taking it all the way down his throat in one sure stroke.

I try to keep silent but I can not stop a scream of pleasure from escaping my lips. Usually Justin draws out a blow job but this time he is working hard and fast to get me off and within minutes I am blowing my load down his throat like a teenager.

I am still shaking from my intense orgasm when he lifts my legs and pushes them to my chest. I want to protest but I want to feel him even more, even though with all the things going on in my life right now, I'm not sure if I can be that vulnerable. Right now though, all coherent thought is out the window.

Instead of his finger wet with lube like I expected, I feel Justin's warm wet tongue touch my hole and even though I have just cum hard, my dick is twitching to life. God I love it when he eats my ass, he is good at it and he loves doing it.

He is licking up and down my crack, slowly inching closer to his goal. Finally he reaches my pucker and instead of licking, he first takes a whiff of me and his hot breath on me makes me shiver with pleasure. With a groan of lust he finally applies his tongue to my hole and starts lick and nipping at it.

Justin has been at my ass for about ten minutes and he hasn't even stuck his tongue inside me yet and my body is literally vibrating with arousal and impatience. I start pushing back against him, trying to shove his tongue up my ass but still he refuses.

"Stick your tongue up my ass Justin or so help me god."

He's laughing, he's fucking laughing, and I'm about to say fuck it and move away but he stops me, grabbing my ass checks and spreading them as far as they will go and buries his tongue so deep in my ass I think I will faint.

Justin is tongue fucking my ass and has been for the last fifteen minutes or so and although I want to beg him to fuck me, I know that is not what he wants. He wants me to cum just from his tongue in my ass and I'm getting close.

"Oh…oh…ahh…ahh fuck yeah."

I cry out in my orgasm from the finger he shoved up my ass and into my prostate, hard.

We stay still for a few minutes until, in my continued daze, I see Justin crawl up the bed until he is beside me and he just flops down. I try to roll over to return the favor but he shakes his head no.

"What?"

"That was just for you."

I look at him intently for a moment then what happened dawned on me.

"You came from eating me out, didn't you? You came all over the sheets."

I accuse him in a mock serious voice, I love that things like that do it for him. He gives me a cat that got the cream smile and closes his eyes as if to sleep. Suddenly I notice the dark circles under his eyes and that makes me look at him even closer. He seems even paler than normal, if that's at all possible, and it looks like he has lost weight. 'Is something wrong with him?' I wonder, fear gripping my chest.

"Justin, are you ok?"

"Huh, what?"

He opens his eyes and looks at me like I just grew another head.

"Well, you look pale and thinner and you've got circles under your eyes like you haven't been sleeping."

"Oh," he looks relieved, "I'm just getting over the flu. It sucked really bad."

He brushes off my concern and he seems genuine about it so I leave it at that but I pull him close, needing him in my arms and I know I won't be sending him back to Daphne's tonight. I want him here, where I can watch him. Where I can make sure myself, that he is alright.


	3. Suspicions

  
Author's notes:

AN: My computer is finally fixed I got it back today and I am working hard on getting chapters done. I hope you like it and reviews are wanted very, very baddly. Thanks as always to my beta Lois. 

* * *

Brian's POV

Stockwell called for a meeting and I am headed over there right now. I know he has seen his numbers in the polls and he is running scared. Even though he fired me, I have been keeping track of his campaign because I knew he would quickly come to regret letting me go. And now when I allow him to hire me back, I'll have even more control over the campaign and he will know how important I am.

I can see the money and other clients rolling in now.

I walk into his office and he is watching Deb rip him to shreds on the news. Ha, sometimes you just got to love her and her big mouth, although Stockwell doesn't look like he is appreciating it right about now.

"Ahh, she's got a big mouth."

"That rally also cost me some points."

"Well, I told you about picking on guys that aren't your size. So other than that, how's your day going?"

"Jim Jr. has a basketball game."

"Is his team still ahead?"

"They're tied for the lead now. He needs a win today."

"So do you."

I know I've got him now, there is no way he can deny that he needs me. If Stockwell has any hope of winning this election he needs me, the fag, to help him win it.

This whole thing is turning my stomach and leaving a sour taste in my mouth, but I push it down as he gives me my job back. That is what is important; proving that I'm the best, becoming a big fucking success to show up my family for all the times they all told me I'd never be anything. That's what's important; not how I feel about a client or what kind of person that client is.

I am walking out of Stockwell's office with my job back; a bigger, brighter future in the advertising industry secured and my soul crying at the betrayal.

I walk back into my office and I catch a glimpse of Justin rounding a corner in front of me and I instinctively hide just to make sure he doesn't see me. I don't want to have to tell him, or anyone else for that matter, that I am working for Stockwell again. I know Justin, unlike everyone else, will not rip me apart about it; but I also know that he will be unhappy with me, hell, disappointed in me about it. I see Cynthia coming towards me and I know she is going to tell me about all the other things that I have to do today. She will also want to know what happened with Stockwell but I can't handle that. So I put my hand up to stop her.

"Cancel the rest of my day, I've got to head out."

"Emergency?" she asks.

I know she truly cares and is not just asking but I can't let her in, I can't let anyone in.

"None of your business, just do your job and cancel the rest of my day."

I know I was harsh for no reason because, although Cyn has worked for me for a couple of years, right now she is wearing a stunned expression. She quickly wipes her face clean and agrees.

"No problem, Boss. I'll get right on that."

She abruptly turns away to do my bidding and I swiftly gather my things to leave. As I leave the office, I try to figure out what I am going to do and I realize I have no idea what to do. My normal form of pain management seems a little like rubbing it in right now. Because it seems a little hypocritical to go fuck and suck and live the freedom inspired gay life to get over the fact that I am helping put into office a man who wants to erase all things gay.

I don't know what to do so I just head back to the loft and drown my sorrows in an alcoholic hazy. I am more then half way through a bottle of Beam when I feel that blissful nothingness start to ease over me. I know I am going to pass out soon so I stumble up to my bed and gingerly lay down. Right before I pass out I look over at the clock and see that it is only four pm and realize that I have gotten this drunk before I am even suppose to have left work. This makes me accept that my life has just gotten really bad and I am the reason that it has.

Justin's POV

I love my internship at Vanguard. Not only is it great work but it also allows for interesting 'breaks' with the Boss.

I am heading up to Brian's office now to deliver some boards and maybe even have one of those 'breaks' right now. I swear I am horny all day long just knowing that he is in the same building as me. You would think that this would be horrible, or that we would never get any work done but the truth is that the anticipation makes it that much hotter and you can't go wrong with hotter.

I arrive at Cynthia's desk and she is on the phone, it sounds like she is rescheduling an appointment for Brian. When she notices me she motions for me to wait and stays on the phone trying to calm what seems like an agitated person.

I see the worry lines and frustration on Cynthia's face and I'm worried that it has more to do with Brian than the person on the phone. I look at Brian's office door with a frown affixed on my face as if the block of wood could give me the answers to questions I'm not even sure of yet.

Cynthia gets off the phone and for a minute she just stares at me. I know that somehow she knows something about me and Brian but I would never tell her anything because I know Brian likes to keep his personal and professional life separate. I can tell that Cynthia is gathering her courage for something and I hold my breath hoping she isn't going to do or say something that will ultimately lead to bad things. 

"I know you and Brian have something, some kind of relationship."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I tell her in a firm voice hoping she will drop it. No, not that lucky.

"You don't have to bullshit me but you also don't have to admit it. I know but I have also known Brian for years and I know he would not like us talking about this. So, all I want to say is there is something bothering him and he left for the day, so if you would deal with it, I will get you excused from work."

'Shit' I know that I have to leave to go deal with him but I also know that when I do, it will confirm for Cynthia her suspicions. All I can do is hope she really knows Brian as well as she says she does and that she does not use this against him or even mention it, ever. Because Brian will be pissed if his private life leaked into his business one, but I know there is nothing I can do but hope for the best and go after Brian.

"I'm leaving for the day."

That is all I said before rushing back to get my things and heading out.

I hurry across town wanting to make it to Brian and find out what is wrong. I don't have any money for a cab because of all the cabs I have been taking from the loft to Daphne's lately when Brian wants me to leave. I still haven't been able to bring myself to let him give me a ride back because I would not have been able to hide how much it hurts that he wants me to leave his bed every night.

I am two streets away when a wave of nausea hits me and almost brings me to my knees. 'Shit, it's happening again.' I am unable to hold it back and end up spilling my guts into the gutter, heaving over and over again.

People are walking around me in a wide arch, giving me disgusted looks and if I could stop heaving for even a second I would tell them to fuck off. But it just keeps coming and coming and I feel all the strength leave my body. I am steeling myself, trying to stop my body from ending up in the puddle of puke near my feet.

Finally after about fifteen minutes of constant puking, I can finally stand up straight and I stagger my way over to a café that is a few steps away from me. I drag myself into a chair near the entrance and plop myself down while still trying to calm my rolling stomach.

I sit there for about a half an hour while people who had seen me throwing up just sort of stare at me, by the looks on their faces wondering if they can catch whatever it is that I have. I force myself to glare at the them until they look away, even though I don't really have the strength.

Finally I pull myself together so I can go to Brian's, but as I'm walking the rest of the way, I am pondering if I should go to the doctors because this flu does not seem to be stopping any.

I get to the loft and I haven't even pulled the door shut when the smell of alcohol assaults my nose. 'Shit,' I think as I look down at my watch and realize that Brian has obviously been drinking heavily and it is not even four thirty yet. I glance around the living room, the dining room, and the kitchen and I don't see Brian. I also don't hear anything from the bathroom but then I hear I wheezing snore and I realize that Brian has already drunk himself into unconsciousness.

I clean up and get him a bottle of water and the bottle of aspirin and set them both on the nightstand next to his side of the bed so he will have them when he wakes up. Then I climb into bed and gather him into my arms and as I have done several times before I start talking to him, telling him all the things that I know he needs to hear but that he won't listen to when he is awake.

"I love you, Brian. I know that this is hard on you right now, being caught between what you know is right and what you want for your life and I understand that this is ripping you apart, but I am here for you."

Then I add things I have never really said before but that Brian still needs to hear.

"I support you in everything you do, but right now Brian, you are not doing the right thing. You are not doing what is right for you or anybody else. You know I would support you even if you are wrong but this time Brian, I don't think you are going to be able to live with yourself if you pull this off."

I watch Brian's face as I tell him all the things I need to tell him. At first he was smiling slightly in his sleep but now he is wearing a frown and his forehead is creased with worry.

"Brian, I know you are not ready to let this power you get from Stockwell go, but I also know you will soon be ready, so I have started a plan to stop him by myself. I know that this will be hard for you to accept, but I hope in the long run, you will understand why I have to do this. And even help me with."

I finish my talk and hope that some of it has gotten through to Brian's subconscious. I just sit next to him for a little while and just study him as I have done a million times before. But after a few minutes I realize that I have to get going, so I lean down and gently kiss his lips before I get up to go back to Daphne's.

Daphne's POV

God, I can't believe all this shit that's going on. I really like Brian, but right now I want to smack the shit out of him. This 'relationship', if you can call it that, that him and Justin are in now, is fucking ridiculous.

God, the way they were together before gave me pause every once in a while, but now it is fucking so God damn stupid I can't believe it. Before, Brian would try to hold Justin at arms length a lot; but Justin would push and Brian couldn't deny him most times, but now…

Fuck, Justin even comes stumbling in after a whole night at Brian's all the time. I mean he and Brian will spend a whole night fucking and after Brian's satisfied, he will ask Justin when he's leaving and fucking Justin actually does leave. I wanna smack Justin too; I can't believe he is taking this shit laying down.

Justin has cried himself to sleep a lot since they got back 'together' and it is pissing me off to no end. And now, when I first noticed Justin looking horrible, I thought it was depression because of what Brian was putting him through. Justin was pale and hardly slept and seemed to zone out all the time and I was getting ready to rip into Brian for what I thought was depression.

But then he spent a night puking and he started getting dizzy and he told me he had the flu really bad. So I backed off on my plan of ripping off Brian's balls but now I think I know what's wrong with Justin. The problem is I don't think Justin has any idea, I don't think he has even thought about it. And really who can blame him, but he has to find out so he can be careful and see a doctor and what not.

I think Justin might be…pregnant.


	4. The Talk

  
Author's notes: Stockwell hires Brian back and Daphne talks to Justin about his health.  


* * *

Brian's POV

I can't believe it even as I hear the words coming out of his mouth. I can't believe he is giving me this much power; I know he has no idea what it is he is really doing. Jim Stockwell is standing in front of the press and saying that he knows I'm gay and that we are friends. Right, like he'd be friends with a queer or even that I would be friends with a head case like him, but he is giving me the power I need. I need it so I am indispensable to him and also for…well I am not really sure the other reason I need it but for some reason I know there is another reason.

As the crowd starts to dissipate, all I can think about is getting back to the loft where Justin is and finding comfort inside Justin's body where I know I will find it.

"That was fucking hott. It was just like the cover of your comic."

I say after I catch my breath after an amazing blowjob. That's one of the things about Justin, he can give a blowjob like no one else. It was one of those instinctual things, even the first time he blew me it was great. Not that he hasn't improved since then, but even that first time, he seemed to know how I liked it and what I wanted him to do.

And not only that, but Justin is one of those guys who just loves to give blowjobs. So many times in the past he has cum just from blowing me and let me tell you, that is a great feeling of power. To have someone get off just from sucking your dick, it makes the whole experience just that much better.

And I just had to harass him about the cover of his comic book; I know how it symbolizes us as it always has. Sometimes I wonder how he gets Michael to agree with the art work, hell the story lines, because they are always about me and Justin. Mikey is always just the best friend in the comic even though we all know Mikey would give his eye teeth to be more. So I am always surprised that the comic, which is Mikey's baby, depicts me and Justin always.

"Michael finally agreed to go with it, even if we do get arrested."

I know I am looking at him funny after this statement, but at first I have no idea what he is talking about but then when I realize it is a Stockwell dig, I bow my head in acknowledgment.

"Oh well, what kind of artist are you if you don't?"

After I finish my statement there is a knock one my door and I realize it is a trick that I invited over. I tell myself that I want the trick to come in and that I don't care how Justin feels about it because this is our arrangement now, hell I can lie to myself can't I?

"Sorry, that's my eleven o'clock."

I see the hurt in Justin's eyes before he quickly covers it with a nonchalant look and it feels like I have been kicked in the stomach but I have to go through with it. I have to keep the arrangement this way so Justin doesn't have more power to hurt me than he already does.

I get up from the bed to let the trick in so I don't have to see Justin's face or watch him get ready to leave again.

"Cool place."

"Oh yeah, there's tours every hour. Bedroom is through there."

As soon as I am finished saying this, Justin comes out of the bedroom buttoning up his coat and all I want to do is tell him that he doesn't have to leave, that I don't want him to leave and I'll send the trick away, but I keep my mouth shut. But the trick doesn't have the same courtesy.

"Who's he?"

The dumbass trick says and I want to smack him and tell him to go away and by the anger growing in Justin's eyes, I can see he feels the same way.

"Oh, it's a difficult question to answer given the limitation of the language and the conventionality of most people's thinking. Umm, let's just say he's the guy I fuck more than once."

I answer his dumb question with a hint of anger and sarcasm in my voice and as I say it, I can tell Justin isn't going to just let it go either. To tell the truth I can't wait to hear what Justin is going to say because he has been too obliging lately. I was afraid it was never going to stop but I can see he is about to be at least slightly cruel to this trick. You see everyone thinks I am the asshole and Justin is an angel but you really don't want to piss Justin off because he can be mean, real mean.

"Unlike you."

Ohh, score one for Justin. By the look on the trick's face, that was a direct hit and both me and the trick watch as Justin leaves with a chip on his shoulder. I again wish that it was Justin that was staying and the trick that was leaving but that is not the way it is, so I direct the trick to the bedroom and set about fucking him into the mattress. While I am doing that, I am trying to forget who could be in my bed right now but as usual, it doesn't work and I am spending most of this fuck pretending that the trick is Justin.

Damn, this shit sucks so bad. Why can't I just deal with things, like feelings, better?

Justin's POV

I'm walking down the stairs from the loft and all I really want to do is go back up there and throw that trick out of there by his hair. God, I'm such a woman.

I can't fucking believe Brian actually scheduled someone for a time right after I was there, like he didn't know I would still be there when the trick got there. Actually I am sure he did know, just another Brian Kinney way of telling me that I don't mean anything to him.

Shit, stop thinking like that Justin. You know that he loves you, you just have to deal with his little ways of keep distance between us without making it mean more than it does. I know he is doing these things so it will seem like I don't mean anything to him, anything to keep his reputation intact and to keep me from having power over him.

I know that Brian needs to be in control, or at least to feel like he is in control. So I will have to not let these things get to me, because as painful as being with Brian is when he does things like this, it is so much more painful to be without him and I know that now.

As I'm thinking this and reeling under the hurt I can't talk myself out of feeling, I apparently walked back to Daphne's. I can't think of it as home because home is where Brian is. I notice I have walked back to Daphne's when I'm slipping my keys into the door.

I walk into the apartment and Daphne is sitting on the couch where she had obviously been waiting for me and I feel my insides tense up, afraid of what she is going to say to me. She looks so serious and I am afraid that someone is dead.

I know I have to have this conversation with her but everything in me is telling me to run. Telling me that I don't want to hear what she is about to say. But I have never been a coward, never been one to run when the going getting tough. So I sit down next to her and clamp my hands together and ready myself as much as I can before I say anything.

"What is it, Daffy?"

Daphne's POV

When Justin comes in and sees me on the couch waiting for him, I can see the fear cross his face. He is afraid of what I have to say, afraid that I will have bad news for him. Also I see the need to flee cross his face but I don't react. I have known Justin my whole life and no matter how painful he thinks something is going to be, or hell, no matter how painful something actually is, Justin never runs away from it. He has always met life head on and I don't expect anything less of him now.

I watch Justin deal with all his thoughts without a word, knowing that I have to let him prepare himself before talking to him. Finally he sits down next to me and starts a conversation I know he is dreading even though he has no idea what it is going to be about. Truthfully I am still not sure how I am going to say what I have to say to him or what his reaction to what I'm thinking is going to be.

"What is it, Daffy?"

Just the tone of his voice shows how scared he is but he is sitting next to me ready to take on whatever it is that I have to say. But I still don't know how to say it. Do I just come right out and ask him 'are you pregnant?'. I mean I know if he knows it, I will be able to get it out of him but I really don't think he knows it. What's worse, is that I don't think he has even considered the possibility of that being the reason he is sick.

I know that Justin has always wanted kids but I don't know about Brian. I know how much Justin loves Brian and I'm afraid of what will happen if Justin is pregnant and Brian does not want another kid. What will that do to Justin? Will he have to decide between his 'relationship' with Brian and having his child? Because truthfully I don't know how Justin will make that decision and I know whatever decision he does make, if that's the case, will kill him.

If Justin was to decide to give up Brian for the baby, would he be able to survive without Brian because the last time they were apart he didn't do a very good job of it. Even if he is able to survive, will he end up blaming his child for not having Brian?

And if, God forbid, Justin chose the other option of getting rid of the baby, I know that he would blame Brian and end up hating him for it. So all I can do is hope that if Justin is pregnant, that Brian will want a child with him as much as Justin will.

I realize I have been silent too long when I see that Justin is no longer afraid, but now he is completely panicked and he looks like he may cry at any moment. I know I have to just suck it up and start talking before Justin goes into a panic attack. So I just start with the simplest thing I can think of.

"You seem to still be sick Justin. Am I right?"

Justin's POV

God, what is going on? Daphne is sitting there just staring off into space with a thoughtful look on her face and I am becoming more and more terrified as time goes on. Is what she has to tell me so bad that she can't even force herself to say the words? Is someone dead? My mother, Molly, hell, could it be my father? 

I don't know what's going on but I do know if she doesn't say something soon, I'm going to lose it.

Finally I can see it dawn on her that she has been sitting there in silence for a good long while and I notice her steel herself to start talking.

"You seem to still be sick Justin. Am I right?"

What the fuck? All this to talk about this fucking flu or whatever it is that has been ruining my life? Bullshit. I guess I'll just have to see where she is going with this.

"Yes I'm still feeling like shit most of the time, thanks for bringing it up."

I know I'm being sarcastic but she scared the shit out of me and now she's talking about my cold???

"Well, I think that more is wrong with you than the flu, Justin."

Is this her problem? She thinks I'm really sick? No wonder she's freaking, cause I know if I thought she was really sick, I would be having a cow too. I move over to embrace her so I can reassure her.

"Daphne don't worry, I promise I would tell you if something was really wrong with me. I just have the flu."

"Justin, I really think something more is wrong with you than the flu and what's worse is, I don't think you are even considering it as an option."

"Considering what as an option, Daphne? What the hell do you think is wrong with me?"

I know I am getting a little short with her but she is pissing me off. The look on her face is so weird and she's acting like she knows a national secret and it's driving me nuts. She thinks something's wrong with me but I haven't had anything really go wrong; I have just been feeling a little dizzy and weak and nauseous but it hasn't been anything bad. I think she's just lost her mind. God, women worry too much, I am so glad I'm gay and don't have to deal with them.

I watch as Daphne takes a huge sigh and I know I am not going to like what she is about to say, but I also know I have to hear it.

"Come on Daphne, what?"

"Justin, I think you might be pregnant."


	5. The Talk Continued

Thanks as Always to Lois my Beta

 

Justin's POV

"Haha, you're not even sorta funny, you ass."

"I'm not kidding Justin."

"Well, I hate to inform you, but I'm a guy…"

God, what am I thinking. I know that it is possible for a guy to get pregnant now, very unlikely, but possible. Shit, but I'm not pregnant. I haven't gained any weight, I have only lost it. I have been having morning sickness, true I have thrown up a few times but it was never in the morning; it varies because I am sick, not pregnant.

I look at Daphne and realize that this can't be about me really, because I don't have the symptoms of pregnancy but she says she thinks I'm pregnant, so somehow this must be about her. 

God, I wonder how this is about her. I hope she's not pregnant and just projecting on me. She has so many hopes and dreams, she wants to be a doctor and there is no way she could pull off eight years of college if she's pregnant right now, because her bastard ex broke up with her. Not that I think he's a bastard if he got her pregnant, no I thought he was a bastard when I met him; but after telling Daphne how I felt about him once, I really didn't say much else about it. I couldn't because she had done the same for me when I made the huge 'Ian' mistake and I would do no less for her. She is my best friend and I would do anything for her…

Hum, I wonder if that's what this is about, if she is seeing how I would act about being pregnant because she needs my help with her baby. Well, I can do that; I love her and I love kids. So I can help her so she can still be a doctor. Maybe she will let me be the daddy. Ok, so I have to handle this well. I have to make her understand I am not pregnant in case she actually thinks I am and I have to act ok about a baby, if that's what she is doing this for.

I kneel down in front of her, preparing to speak.

"Daph, I am not pregnant."

"Are you sure Justin?"

"Yes, Daphne. I might be a guy but I do know the symptoms for pregnancy and I am not pregnant. Although I wouldn't mind having a baby." 

I hasten to add, hoping this will give her the opening she needs. If she needs it. When she just looks at me searchingly, I realize I may have to keep going.

"You know I have always wanted to have children."

"But what about Brian?"

I'm glad that seemed to motivate her to talk, maybe I'm getting somewhere.

"What do you mean, what about Brian?"

"Well, what do you think he would feel about having a baby?"

"Well, I think he would freak and then he would be happy."

I say as sure as you can be when you're talking about how Brian will react to something, anything.

"Well, what would you do if you were pregnant and Brian was mad or didn't want it?"

"I would move out."

I know the answer to that, it's easy.

"So you would just break up with him, no problem?"

Daphne's voice when she says this is incredulous and I can't blame her. Me saying something like that off handedly would be shocking, but that's not what I said.

"No Daphne, I wouldn't break up with him, I'd move out. So I could keep the baby and Brian."

I study Daphne's face waiting for her to absorb what I have said and then hopefully confide in me if she needs to.

"Ok, well I just thought you might be but if you're sure you're not…Hell, it's your body I'm sure you're more aware of what's going on with it than me. Do you want to share some ice cream with me?"

I nod at her question while I'm try to figure out the conversation we just had and I'm no closer to figuring out if she really thought I was pregnant. Or if this was some sort of test about her being pregnant, or maybe I have no fucking clue what just happened. Shit.

A Couple of Weeks Later ****

Brian's POV

Shit, Justin and I have barely had any time together lately and I'm feeling restless with that and the fact that everyone seems to be living under Stockwell's fucking rule and the prick's not even mayor yet, fuck.

Fuck that, so I grab Justin and instead of heading to Babylon which is what we said we were doing, we are going to head out to the baths. I am going to forget about everything except watching my baby boy be a big brutal top.

We are rounding the corner that leads to the baths and I can tell Justin is practically vibrating with excitement. Justin doesn't like the baths as much as I do and he rarely goes but when he is in this mood, I know I'm going to watch my baby take man after man and make them beg him for more.

Damn, my dick is so hard it hurts now and it's leaking a huge amount of pre cum. Shit Justin gets me hornier than anyone else ever has.

"Man can not live on the backroom of Babylon alone. It'll be fun to fuck someplace different for a change. When did that happen?"

Shit, it's fucking closed and then Justin asks when, like I had a hand in closing the fucking baths.

Maybe I did…shit, don't think like that.

"How the fuck do I know? Come on."

"Shit, them too?"

Shit, there is only one left and if that's fucking closed…and this is all my…no(,) fuck that(,) I won't think that.

"Let's try the Adonis."

"Come again. The question is where."

Shit, this is the last place besides Babylon that we can fuck in public. Is all the shit I can get because Stockwell is my client worth all this? Shit Brian, don't think like that. Don't second guess yourself. You made your decision and you don't do regret so you will make the most of this and use Stockwell for all that you can get.

God, I can tell Justin is pissed but he is not taking it out on me, although it would be nice if he started yelling at me or something so I could get angry and then I wouldn't have to feel so bad. Well, if he is not going to help me get angry, I guess he'll have to…

"What are you boys up to?"

Shit, just what I need right now. One of Stockwell's fucking storm troopers, now when Justin is just raring for a fight. His liberties are being taken away and he will fight that head on.

"We're just looking for a good place to fuck. Know of any?"

See, I knew he wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut.

"How old are you?"

"Nineteen."

"Let me see some ID."

"You were hoping for something younger?"

Fuck Justin, shut the fuck up. That's just what we need, another homophobe to be angry at you. Fuck, I'll have to kill a cop and I will, to protect Justin.

"You hoping to call your lawyer tonight from the holding cell at the precinct?"

Shit, I have to say something, do something, before this gets out of hand. I can see Justin is ready to take on the world as always, and although that is one of the things I love most about him, it is also one of the things that make his life so difficult.

"Oh, he's just a little rambunctious officer, you know how they are at his age."

Well fuck, I guess I really can't stop myself from being a sarcastic ass sometimes either. Huh, well fuck, officer asshole anyway.

"Go home boys, the party's over."

Man what a dick, I can't believe that he threw Justin's ID on the ground. Ok, actually I can believe it, but what an ass. Oh, and that's a great ass too, maybe people should throw Justin's things on the ground more often cause then he has to bend over to pick them up.

Justin's POV

"It's become a bona fide police state here on Loss-Of-Liberty Avenue. Something has got to be done."

Fucking homophobic cop. God, I can't wait until Stockwell's out of office and I plan to do everything in my power to make sure that happens. He is destroying the entire city while trying to 'clean it up'. God, I fucking hate the prick; I can't believe Brian can work for that asshole. 

Ok, ok Justin, calm down you know why Brian is doing what he is doing; so you can't let yourself get mad at him. The last thing he needs is more negative feed back about a decision he is killing himself about anyway.

"Yeah, me."

Of course Brian would make this moment about sex and I know he needed to and it works for me too because I'd like to forget about Stockwell and that shit for a few minutes just like Brian; so I let Brian lead me where ever he wants to.

We come upon this alley and Brian leans against the wall and I go to town, making him forget for a while with my kissing, my caressing, and finally with my lips wrapped around his hard shaft.

I'm blowing him enthusiastically for about ten minutes when it happens, my stomach starts to rebel and I am sure I am fucked. I know I can keep the contents of my stomach down, it's not rolling that bad, but I also know if I try to swallow him, I will be puking every where.

This wouldn't be a problem spitting it up but Brian knows how much I love to swallow him, how good I think he tastes, so if I spit I'll have to explain why and then he will freak out on my about me being sick again. And I can't figure out a way out of this because either scenario, Brian will know I'm still sick.

Just then I remember something from when we walked into the alley, there was a Stockwell for mayor poster that's like three feet from us. Perfect, Brian will believe I hate Stockwell enough to spit cum all over his face on the poster.

With my plan intact, I redouble my efforts to make Brian cum because I don't want to test the strength of my stomach too much…and I kind of want to spit in Stockwell's face now.

Pathetic, I know. After another minute or so, Brian tightens his hands in my hair and I know he's going to cum. When he does I pull away slowly, and making sure I have his attention, spit right in Stockwell's face on the poster and give a parting shot to the poster as well.

"That's for the boys at the precinct, Jim."

Brian laughs at my statement and much to my delight it's a real laugh; something he only ever does infrequently and since all this stuff has come to a head. His real laughs and smiles have been even more rare, so this sound to me is as precious as anything I have ever heard. Well, maybe not then, the times he slips and tells me he loves me but I'm not suppose to hear that.

I know that we are headed back to the loft to fuck our brains out because we had not started this night to get a blow job; we had wanted to push the limits tonight. So I guess we will have to push the limits with each other because I know Brian is now too irritated for Babylon and he is also too irritated to find a trick whom he may hate or who might be bad in bed so I know my ass is going to be so sore tomorrow, among other things, but I'm happy I'd rather just be with Brian anyway. Even though I had been looking forward to the baths, it still would never compare with Brian so I'm even happier now. 

That is if I can get the nausea to stop before we get back to the loft.


	6. Campaigns

AN: OK it was pointed out to me that some people might not get this so I thought I wouldd tell everyone so there is no confusion. I have taken some of the words for all the chapters of this story straight from the show. So no bagging on the grammer that sucks becasue my beta is a lot better than that but I can't change CowLips words. Like the second line were Brian says 'me and Justin' well apparently CowLip didn't have a beta cause that line seemed to stick out a lot for mine. 

Ok so I have had a lot of trouble keeping to the Cowlip storyline, Rory/ForeverFolked's plot bunny and still adding me in here so that's what is taking updates so long...and driving my beta batty so I made this chapter longer for the wait.

 

Thanks so much to my beta Lois for sticking with me when nothing made sense and not sending out a hit man when the german was driving you nuts

Brian's POV

"Missed you at Babylon last night." 

"You know it was such a lovely night me and Justin decided to take a stroll." 

And what a nice stroll it was, although it was irritating at the beginning, it ended rather nice. After that blow job Justin gave me, we went back to the loft and fucked like bunnies for hours, not that I'm going to be sharing that with these guys.

"Well, you should have been there." 

Ben thinks I should have been there? Oh shit, I'm in for a lecture about something. I just can't wait to hear what they have to run me down about this time.

"I hear it was an overflow crowd."

"Filled to capacity." 

"What was the enticement, free airline miles for every cock you suck?" 

I know I'm not making it easier on myself by egging them on when they're already mad at me but fuck, they're always blaming me for something. Although I already know where they're going with this, I know they blame me for Stockwell and I'm beginning to understand their reasoning. Hell, I'm starting to blame myself, although I would never admit that out loud.

"There's no where else to go, Stockwell has closed down half the street." 

See, I told you this would be about that fucking dick Stockwell. God, that man is every-fucking-where. Fuck, I can't even fuck without that man sticking his nose into it.

For a straight man he sure does seem to spend a lot of time thinking about queers fucking.

"And you have empowered him to do it." 

Well, I might think that but I will not let them know that and I would never let them talk about me in that snide way they're doing now. I need to snark back so they don't see the way this Stockwell shit is affecting me.

"Frankly, he's doing us a favor. The Gravel Pit was always a skankhole, the only thing I ever picked up there was a case of crabs. The Baths was always full of trolls and the Adonis hasn't cleaned the cum off their floors since the day they opened." 

Well that's all sort of true, so fuck it. They will just have to deal with it because what the fuck am I going to say, I think I might have made a mistake but I can't do anything about it. Because I have already done it and to give him up would mean I'm out of a job.

Plus, I don't question my actions. I was right to take on Stockwell just because I did and that's the way I look at life so there is no going back. No excuses, no apologies, no regrets. 

"That's not the point, our world's being taken away from us." 

Fucking Ben, he needs to fucking shut up. God, I hate when mister Zen is right and he almost always is, not that I'd tell him that.

But I guess I have to admit he is right for Mikey, so I guess I will put up with his fucking annoying habit of pointing out the right thing.

"And that includes our right to fuck wherever we want; somehow I thought that would have personal significance for you." 

God, I so want to scream at them that I know that, but of course I can't. I have to pretend that their words are having no effect on me. Shit, sometimes it's so hard to keep up this façade. God, they're my friends, why can't they see through it like Justin can? I don't get it.

"The only thing that has personal significance for him is signing up Stockwell's backers and moving to New York." 

God that's great, this is my best friend talking. Does everyone think I'm really that heartless? I mean I know I act like an asshole, but really, why can't they see that their words are like daggers most of the time. That when they treat me like I couldn't possibly care about another human being, including Gus and Justin, that it just kills me.

After the run down by the guys I go take a shower, and a trick, but what I really want is to just run out of here and get away from these people, who say they know me but can't see me at all.

When I have secured my reputation in another anonymous hole, I finally leave the gym almost feeling dirty that I had a trick when all I wanted to do was call Justin and be with him. But he is in school so I can't and I have to trick, if not, my reputation would be shot. But God, sometimes I just don't care. Of course I can't let anyone, especially Justin, know that. If Justin knew that, he would have more power to hurt me and I can't give him more than he already has, because he has much more than he knows already.

I leave the gym and head back to work, hopefully to get some work done on other accounts because I am just sick of thinking about Stockwell.

Daphne's POV

I can't believe Justin still doesn't realize he is pregnant, denial must be nice this time of year. I know I can't confront him about it again but I will push the envelope as much as I can because I just know that he is pregnant and he is losing weight and puking all the time, which I have read is normal but it's freaking me out so I want him to see a doctor.

So I have been dropping hints but he just looks at me like I have lost my head and walks away; so now I am determined that he will not ignore me any longer. I have done all the research about male pregnancy and whenever I find something that I think applies to Justin, I just randomly throw it out in the middle of conversation and now I have pushed it even further. I just hope he is not mad at me for what I have done.

Brian's POV

**That Evening, the Loft**

Justin didn't even get into the loft before I was pushing my body into his personal space. When the door slides open I reach through it and grab onto his shirt, I need his body next to me right now. I quickly drag him into the bedroom while nuzzling his neck and inhaling the scent of my lover that I have been missing for so long, even though it has been less than twenty-four hours.

We make love in a slow and extremely intimate way, while I do everything I could to suck all of Justin's love into me and allow it to surround me with the safety, a security only he ever makes me feel.

When we are sated, I lay in his arms while he holds me tight as if he knows that I need to feel his arms around me, grounding me with his love. But then again, he probably does know that is what I need.

**The Next Afternoon, the Diner**

"You'd think with all the chronic masturbation that he'd be calm but he's a jangle of nerves." 

"It's not funny, Mel's running herself ragged." 

Damn, I have never liked Mel much but one would think she would use her head when it concerns the life of her unborn child, but no, she has to worry about being the big man on campus with this case. Man being the operative word here, because I am completely convinced that one of the main reasons we have such a volatile relationship is because she is not only jealous about how Lindsay feels about me but also because she jealous that I have a dick and she doesn't.

"That's what you get when you're always on the rag." 

Hum, it's not as much fun snipping at Mel when she's not here, but it's still fun. 

"There's nothing you can do ok, she's the one carrying the baby." 

Oh, here goes Ben with his sage advice again. I have to admit I like it better when he is pissed about something because at least he isn't straddling the fence as he does all the rest of the time.

"Our baby." 

I'm very glad I didn't end up being this baby's father and not only for the reason that any child me and Mel made together would be demon seed, but also because Mikey really wants to be a father and he's gonna make a great one I think.

"So did you see it? You know, what did it look like?" 

OH great question Ben and just the opening I need to be annoying to you. Oh I can't pass this moment up. I'm gonna make Zen Ben all jealous.

"Did it have your cute little turn up nose, button eyes, and perfectly shaped penis?"

"You really think so?" 

Oh, you are so easy Mikey. I feel ok about teasing him like that now because he is completely in love with Ben. So it's ok that he still wonders what it would be like to fuck me because he no longer thinks he's in love with me. Before Ben, saying shit like that would get Mikey's hopes up about us being, well an us, but now he seems to realize that what he feels for me is not the love you feel for a lover.

I will be the first to admit that the feelings that Mikey and I have for each other are deeper than what you would have for most friends, it's tighter like the love for a sibling, but for so long Mikey seemed to confuse that with real love. But I guess now that he has felt that love, he no longer thinks that. And boy, am I glad not just for me, although it got to be real annoying, but also for him. Because now he is actually giving another guy a chance and he's happy and truthfully, that's all I've ever wanted for him.

For my little brother to be happy.

"Hey, hey."

Haha, I knew he'd be jealous.

"It's the size of a peanut…"

Oh, I'm gonna leave that one alone.

"…the baby, I mean it's amazing. It's really fucking amazing."

Nice save Mikey.

Ben's phone call.

"Everything all right?" 

Oh Mikey you are so sweet, I wanna gag.

"Yeah, no problem." 

Oh shit, Ben's hiding something. Fuck if he's fucking cheating or something, Mikey will be devastated. Which means he'll be whining at me about it and with everything that's going on, I don't know if I can take more of Mikey's whining. Fucking Ben…

Hum, it is Ben. I don't know him like I do Mikey but I just don't see him cheating and he kind of looks stressed by whatever it is that he's hiding. Fuck, I'll leave it alone right now and just watch to make sure whatever it is isn't big.

"Umm, I'll see you later. Please stop worrying." 

"Who's worrying? That's my job damn it."

Shit, just what we need, Deb knowing about Mel's shitty way of being a mother before the kid is even born. 

Hell I shouldn't be complaining, with all this shit going on they're not harping on me about Stockwell so I should just count my lucky stars and stop fucking talking to myself, which by the way is all Justin's fault. 

He fucking is always getting me to talk, so when I'm not with him I only have myself to talk to but I've got to stop, it's fucking driving me crazy.

"Melanie is working too hard and Michael…Michael's worried for the life of his child." 

"Sweetheart, let me tell you a story. Once upon a God forsaken time there was a beautiful princess. And she worked her ass off until the day she popped her kid and she went back to work three days later." Deb

"That Diana was an inspiration." 

Oh nice shot, she looks like she wants to kick me. I love fucking with Deb. She gets my sense of humor most of the time and she gives it back real well.

"The bottom line was I couldn't afford the luxury of not working. I had to make a living." 

"Yeah but you were seventeen, Mel's in her thirties and she's got 

endo-metri-whatever the fuck it's called and now she's taking on the biggest court case of her life." 

"Yeah and don't forget she's a cwazy wesbion." 

Well I could let that go by uncommented now could I?

"Now do you see why I'm worried? Well…say something." 

"Somebody better keep an eye on that girl." 

"Oh my God, now I really need a valium." 

**At the same time, PIFA Halls**

Justin's POV

I go to take out a book in my bag as I am heading for Art History and another book falls out. Just my luck one of my classmates, Joel, who has a crush on me, picks it up and before handing it back to me, reads the cover and I immediately want to kill Daphne, in a slow and painful way.

"The Joys of Male Pregnancy?"

Ok? What the hell am I going to say now? He will never believe the truth but I guess I'll have to go with that.

"Yeah, my best friend is slightly delusional and she thinks I'm pregnant."

"Oh really?"

"I know what you're thinking but I don't understand it anymore than you do, so please just forget it."

"Sure…Daddy."

"Fucker!"

I knew it wouldn't be that easy and as I walk into class, I throw the offending book in the trash while plotting harmful things I can do to Daphne

Brian's POV

**About an Hour Later, Muncherville**

"Lindz, what is going on with Mel?"

I know she will tell me if Mikey's just over reacting or if we really have to worry about Mel and the health of the child growing inside of her.

"I guess she just thinks she can do whatever she would normally do and that it won't affect the baby. God Brian, she just is running herself into the ground and she won't listen to a word anyone says about it. I'm so afraid for her and the baby."

Lindsay curls herself in my arms and I hold her, offering what comfort I can while I fume silently at how stupid Mel is. God they had this big fight about having the baby and Mel insisted, so much so, that she was the one to carry it but now that she's gotten her goal of being pregnant, she's acting like she doesn't have to think about it until the baby is here. God, that woman should never have reproduced.

"Would you talk to her Brian?"

"Me, Mel fucking hates me. What makes you think she is going to listen to me when she obviously isn't listening to you, Mikey, or even her fucking doctor?"

"Well, you're probably right but could you at least try. I mean sometimes you can say things and even though you say them in your harsh way, you can make whoever you're talking to see the truth in your words."

Shit, I can't believe I'm actually going to do this. How the fuck does Lindsay do that? She can always make me agree to almost anything.

"Fine, I'll try but no promises."

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Shit, she's fucking hugging and kissing me again. What is it with her? She always kisses like a fucking Saint Bernard.

"Ok, no touching. Now go get my son."

"Yeah, I should have known you didn't come here because you were worried about Mel." 

I glare at her as she huffs out of the room to get Gus but again, I'm just hiding how much she hurt me. I came here and asked about Mel and her health and then it's wrong, that after I found out and promised to do what I can, I want to see my son? Well fuck her, if I hadn't asked to see Gus she would have been all over me about that too. Fuck, I can't win but screw her because I want to see my son and I barely even like Mel. She should be glad I don't wish the bitch death. 

"Ah there's my Sonnyboy."

Before I say anything else to Gus, I watch as Lindsay lays him in my arms and then does something like a semi stomp out of the room.

"Oh I think Mommy might be a little mad at Dada. What do you think Sonnyboy? Or could it be that she's just being a drama queen."

I notice Gus watching me with a bemused expression on his face and realize once again that I have to be careful what I'm saying around Gus because even though he's only three, he seems to understand a lot more than most three years olds and I inwardly cringe waiting for his answer.

"Dwama qeen."

"Brian!"

"What, I didn't do anything. He just agreed with me."

"Good going Sonnyboy, you got Dada in trouble."

I am tickling him as I say this and it sends him into a fit of giggles. I love to hear him giggle and laugh so whenever I'm near him, I do anything I can to hear those sounds. I don't remember ever doing that as a child so I want Gus' whole life to be filled with laughter.

I continue to play with my son for about an hour and then I have to leave before Mel gets back. I have to talk to her but I won't do it there, on her turf, because I don't want her to get even more defensive then she is already going to be. Especially because anytime Lindsay and I are in the same vicinity, it drive Mel nuts.

Plus I try to avoid Mel all together when Gus is there because we are always fighting and where as I can stop when my son is in the house, Mel never seems to be able to. And I never want Gus to have to listen to fighting if I can stop it and when it involves me, I can so I do. My leaving was met with tears but I promised I would be back and Gus calmed down, well you didn't think it was Lindsay crying did you? Well, it is Lindsay so you never know do you?

**Babylon** **the next night**

Oh that guy's eyeing me, Justin is not going to like that. But he just has to deal with it because I'm going to run my life the way I'm going to run it and that the end of that.

"Whoops." 

Justin's eyes flash something but as is a common occurrance of late, I have no idea what was in his eyes for that second before it was gone. I know if I ask him about it, not only would that be a lesbionic thing to do, so I won't admit to ever doing it out loud; but the truth is I have, but he tells me he doesn't know what I'm talking about. But in those moments I can actually read him and his face is calling him a liar.

So I'll push all thoughts of the things in Justin's eyes I can't read and his new thing of never telling me fucking anything and I'll offer him a bump.

"Not tonight." 

What the fuck, shit that is bullshit and not the first time I've heard that sentence since we starting doing this Brian Justin thing we're doing again. I'll never call it dating…again. I mean I'll call and ask if he wants to come over to the loft and about a fourth of the time he fucking says no, what the fuck is up with that.

"Don't you want to party like it's 1984?" 

"There's something I gotta do." 

'Something he's got to do?' fuck he's always busy lately, he never has any fucking time for me, it never used to be this way. When we were together before, he was always around, sometimes so much it drove me nuts but now…well it's like he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. 

Oh god, what if he doesn't love me anymore. Is it something I did to change how he felt about me? Are the days coming when I literally won't see him anymore? Will I be able to do this shit without him?

Fuck it, I can't let it show that it means anything to me.

"Yeah, me too." 

I say grabbing the trick.

"Catch you later." 

I grab the trick, pretending I'm not watching him leave and wondering where he is going, because I'm Brian Kinney and there is a hot trick to fuck. So I'm going to do a bump and this trick to forget Justin's gone once again.

"You're under arrest for possession of illegal drugs." 

A fucking cop, just great. But I'm not worried because I can feel how much he wants me and if Stockwell is going to fuck us queers, well I'm going to fuck one of his fucking Storm Troopers. No gay man can turn me down and this gay won't be any different.

"I have a better idea. Why don't we go to the backroom and play 'good cock, bad cock'." 

Justin's POV

The look on Brian's face when I said I had to go, was unsettling to say the least, but I know I have to go whether I want to or not. I know lately I haven't been spending much time with him but I've been busy with this Stockwell shit; plus I just haven't been feeling very well so I figure the less time I spend around people, the easier it will be to hide.

Shit, I'm even starting to have hallucinations in which Daphne is right and I'm pregnant. I mean don't get me wrong, I know she is wrong but God I have dreams now, even when I'm awake, that she is right and I have a baby growing inside of me. A baby that is both mine and Brian's.

I have to stop thinking about this, I have so much to do tonight. Tonight I'm going to stop my own ad campaign, my Anti-Stockwell campaign. I have the posters designed and they are spectacular if I do say so myself. They show Stockwell as the Nazi that he is. I think Brian would be proud of me, that is if I wasn't working against him about his biggest client. I even came up with a slogan that I think Brian would do. 'Heil to the Chief.' it's beautiful.

I'm trudging around all over town putting up these posters in every spot I can find, spots that I know will do the most to get the attention of the public and spots that I know will anger Stockwell most. I think now I will head over to police headquarters and hang one there; that should piss him right the fuck off.

**Morning**

"Would you fucking look at that."

"Isn't it fabulous?" 

"They're up all over town." 

"It adds a needed touch of class to the neighborhood."

"Isn't there a fine for defacing public property?" 

"Who do you suppose did it." 

"It's a big secret, no one knows." 

"It's like our very own secret avenger." 

"It's about time somebody spoke out." 

"Besides you?" 

"Hey." 

I know I'm mumbling but I'm tired as hell and I walk up and basically the whole gang is standing in front of the posters I spent all night putting up. I haven't had a wink of sleep and here they all are, I know this is just gonna suck.

"Christ Sunshine, you look like you've been up all night." 

What a surprise that Deb pointed out how tired I look and now Brian's studying me like I hold horrible secrets from him. I know I won't be able to hide my actions for long but damn to do(,) I have to be given away the first second?

"I was working on a project." 

"So if you're done with him, will you pass him on to me?" 

Ouch, nice Brian, direct hit. He always knows what to say to make me feel about an inch tall, or at least to hurt me the most.

"Not that kind of Project." 

"So what does our resident art student think?" 

I'll play this off, I know I can do it. I've been hiding so much lately though, I feel like my whole life is one big fat lie.

"Yes, care to critique."

Thanks for the encouragment Lindz, like I really need to go into this deep and what's worse, is it looks like Lindz recognizes my work. Fuck, I wonder how she will play this. With Lindsay, it's a crap shot how she will treat me because I know she loves me but she loves Brian too. But in a weird way, like an I wish we were both heteros way, and sometimes she is kind of nasty about it even though I know she doesn't mean to be and I think it is just about her wishing it was her instead of me for that minute. 

"The message is heavy handed, the graphics are crude." 

"Everyone's a fucking critic." 

Well, everything I said was true, of course it was meant to be that way so what I'm saying is not really insulting.

"I like the bold coarseness of the design; it's very much in the great tradition of Agitprop." 

Damn she got it, not that I didn't think she would but that's one of the draw backs of having another artist in our merry little band.

"What?" 

"Propaganda posters to agitate the masses." 

"Well, this oughta agitate Stockwell's bowels when he sees it."

Oh you have got to love Deb, she might not know everything about everything but she sure as hell has a way about her. It definitely throws you when you first meet her but after you get to know her, you can't imagine her being any other way.

I grew up as a WASP, where bad things aren't spoken about and everything is swept under the rug so I have utmost respect for people who tell it like it is. Which I guess is one of the reasons Brian and I survive, because he speaks his truth too. Although sometimes with Brian, his truth isn't the actual truth and sometimes he tells that truth to cause pain and push people away. I still respect him for it and understand the need.

"I better take off. I wanna get to the country before it gets too dark." 

"Drive safely." 

"Don't pick up any strangers." 

"Unless they're hott." 

Brian's POV

I have watched him since he showed up; he looks so tired and thin that my heart is throbbing with worry but he is also lying to me and hiding something and that just pisses me off. God, I am so confused right now because half of me wants to hold him and beg him to tell me what is wrong and the other half of me wants to shake him until his teeth rattle and demand he tell me what he is hiding from me and lying to me about.

As the crowd of our friends begins to disperse, I look at Justin and wonder if his secret is glaring me right in the face, if Justin would really fuck with me bad enough to go after one of my client. Not any normal client no, my biggest client, the one who could make me a national star or unemployed. 

"Justin?"

"Yeah?"

"What were you doing last night?"

"What, are we explaining ourselves to each other now? Because I think I missed the memo saying we were in a relationship now."

"We're not, I don't do relationships. I was just wondering."

"Well, I was busy and now I have to hurry or I'm going to be late for school."

With that said in Justin's new cold voice he has for me sometimes, he leaves. Every time I hear that tone, it gives me the creeps that he is better now at hiding his emotions at times than I am.

I don't know what I'm going to do about Justin's new walls but I know I'm going to do something, if I can figure out what to do without showing everybody why I'm doing it. But I think I'm going to have to let it go for now and worry about this Stockwell mess. I'll deal with all things Justin when that's over because I have a plan for Stockwell, after all I am the best adman there is and if I can't get him elected no one can.

That is if Justin will even talk to me after Stockwell is in office.

Justin's POV

God, that was so harsh I can't believe I said that to him. I mean I know I had to get him off that line of questioning, but usually I would just kiss him until he forgot he was asking me anything. But I just got so mad at him for asking that question because if I had asked it he would have flipped about it. But I know better so why the fuck did I get pissed like that. Hum, must be the lack of sleep and sex, don't forget sex and food; shit can't forget that, I'm so fucking hungry.

 


	7. Found Out

  
Author's notes: Thanks as always to my beta Lois and thanks to everyone for the reviews I love hearing from everyone and it makes me want to write more hinthint  


* * *

Brian's POV

_Vanguard conference room_

_"There's a new restaurant I'd like to try. The food got one star…the waiters got four. You want to check it out."_

I say this as I'm looking out the window because I don't want Justin to be able to read my face in case his answer is the negative one I have come to expect since we started 'seeing each other' again. I still have no idea what has changed or how to make it go back to the way it was. So I just find myself here and asking a question that I'm not sure I want to know the answer to.

This dinner invitation is not only to spend time with him but also to hopefully get him to eat. His appearance is starting to alarm me and there is nothing I can do about it, short of force feeding him. I don't know why he isn't eating but he is starting to remind me of a skeleton and I have been watching him closer to see what's going on.

'Is he depressed? Is that why he is not eating? If that is why he is not eating, then what is it that has him depressed?' All of these things are questions I have no answer to and I wish I did.

_"Yeah I'd love to…not tonight though. I'm busy."_

Now how did I know that was the answer I was going to get? God, maybe he doesn't love me anymore. 'No Brian don't think that, you know that isn't what is going on here but you have to find out what it is because he can't continue on like this and neither can you.'

_"Another project?"_

God I hate that word, I wonder if he realizes that that was the same word he used when he was seeing 'Ian' behind my back. Oh shit, what if it's another 'Ian'? I couldn't handle losing him like that again. Why can't I be enough for him. I know I'm not the easiest person to be with but I love him even if I don't say it. I would give him anything he needed and still it's not enough for him.

This is the reason I don't do shit like this because it always ends in pain unlike any you have felt before in your life.

_"Brian?"_

Ah, saved from my thought but my personal assistant. Oh shit, and she brings in the other big problem in my life, Stockwell our lustrous police chief and mayoral hopeful, oh and I can't forget world class, grade a homophobe.

_"Thanks Cynthia. Let's go to my office."_

Hell yeah, let's get you out of the same room with Justin before he says or does something to you. Not that I would really blame him but he seems to have a personal stake in his grudge against you that is more than the fact that you are, well you.

_"Have you seen the editorial page? They're calling me a Nazi. A Nazi and it's because of those God damn posters."_

Really hum, I wonder why could it be? Is it because you seem to want queers to disappear from the face of the Earth like Hitler wanted the Jews to? You act like the man, you get treated like him, and while most people will turn a blind eye, some just won't let you get away will things like that. Some people just do not take things like what you are doing lying down; it is in their nature to fight against wrongs. Hell, that's usually me and it would be me this time too if I wasn't representing you.

I see Stockwell zero in on Justin and I want to get Justin away from his man's eye sight so I will send him out of the room.

_"Umm, why don't you finish that later. Thanks."_

Yes please go, without saying all the things I'm sure you would be only too happy to say to him.

_"They're a prank, it's a joke."_

I really don't know what else to say to him about that and I really was just trying not to tell him I agree with the posters. Maybe if he were to act at least somewhat human I would care. But alas, he's a total ass, so fuck him and his feelings.

_"It's not a joke. They're everywhere you look. Driving over here I saw them on practically every street corner. There is even one in front of police headquarters."_

I feel his lethal glare as he says this and I know somewhere inside of him he is blaming these posters on me because I'm gay, which makes me 'one of them'. I don't really care because if he wasn't my client I probably would have done something similar to the posters anyway.

_"Well have it removed, you're the chief."_

I know I'm being snarky and by the look on his face he doesn't appreciate the humor of the situation; but I also know he will not say anything to me about it because, let's face it, I'm that good so I can have an attitude.

_"I need you to come up with some kind of a spot."_

_"What for?"_

Like I don't know, but if he really thinks I'm going to refute that then he has another thing coming because I will not give someone else that kind of power over my campaign. If we acknowledge them like that, then they have won and I might as well throw in the towel now. And I didn't piss off everyone I know to lose to some posters.

_"To refute this. People are laughing."_

No shit, you're a great target because you are an ass who thinks he's always right.

_"That's because it's funny. If you take those posters seriously they will roast you alive. The best way to deal with it is to laugh at yourself, harder than anyone. When is your next public appearance?"_

I sure as hell thought they were funny, not that I'd let anyone else know that, but I loved them. I think I will find one and take it home with me. Cause for some reason they make me proud.

_"Lunch with the businessmen's association in an hour, then Good Afternoon Pittsburg."_

_"That's perfect. Get in front of the cameras and joke about it. In fact, you bring it up. Have you seen these posters of me? Haha. Let the voters know that we welcome dissention and unlike Nazi Germany, we are blessed to live in a free society were all voices are heard. And that as mayor, you intend to keep it that way. Now let me see you smile…keep practicing."_

Wow he can not smile, I can't believe that look he got on his face when he was supposed to be smiling. It looked like the man was in pain. Maybe what he needs is a nice stiff dick up his ass, not mine of course. Next to Mel, he is a great cure for an erection but someone's dick, maybe it will relax him. Hell, he already walks like he has one up there anyway.

Justin's POV

That Night Vanguard Copy Room 

_"Taylor, what are you still doing here? Let me guess, the Mad Avenger was to cheap to do his copying at Kinko's, so you offered to do it for him."_

As Brian walks in and says these words, I feel my heart beating so fast it feels like it is trying to escape from my chest. I knew that Brian would find out eventually but I had hoped that I would be able to tell him. But I guess that wasn't in the cards and by the cold sarcastic tone in his voice, him finding out this way at this time is not a good thing.

I pause for an answer because truthfully, I don't know what to say. I am so nervous that I will say the wrong thing. Oh calm down Justin, I say over and over again in my head as the nervousness is making my stomach churn. I can't believe this is happening now. 

God, every time something is in the least stressful lately, my stomach starts to rebel. It's really starting to piss me off because lately all my life is full of stress(,) so I seem to always be throwing up. 

If I didn't know better, I would think that Daphne is right and I am pregnant.

_"I told you, it's just an art project for school."_

Well, let's see if I can lie my way out of this. It could work. Right?

_"Huh huh, well I'm sure you'll get an A+ even if it is a bit crude and heavy handed."_

Shit, I should have known he wouldn't let it go.

_"Look, I didn't know anyone was going to be here this late. So you found out my secret identity."_

Ok, when all else fails be seductive and playful, that usually works with Brian. I need it to work because I can't take Brian being mad at me for anything else. He is already upset about all the times I blow him off because of all the things that are going on.

_"Well, fun's over super boy."_

Shit this isn't working, what else can I do? I have to make him understand. I know that this man is important to his goals but I also know that Brian is getting to the end of his tolerance for Stockwell's small mindedness and attacks on our way of life.

_"What are you doing?"_

I can't believe Brian is trying to take my work. As much as I love Brian and would do almost anything for him, I will not allow him to stop me from doing what I believe.

Everything in me is making me fight against this man and what he wants to do and I couldn't live with myself it I just let it lie and did nothing to stop him. 'Please Brian, understand that I can't do what you want me to.'

_"You made your statement once, now it's time to cut it out."_

'Oh God Brian, I'm so sorry but I can't'

_"I'm not going to cut it out, I'm doing what I believe in."_

_"Fuck what you believe in, I'm telling you to stop."_

God Brian, you are such a hypocrite sometimes. If he wasn't your client you'd be doing exactly what I'm doing but I'm not suppose to because you have a monetary stake in it. But what you are not taking into account is that you have a lot more at stake here than money. He is trying to destroy everything that you fight so hard for. Things you even fight me so you can do and you're helping him take it away from you.'

_"You also once told me you wanted me to be the best homosexual I could possibly be. Which includes not giving a shit what anyone tells me, think for myself. Stockwell is a homophobe, he's a fascist, and he's a threat to everything and everyone we know. Just because you don't think so doesn't mean that I."_

I watch as Brian tries to accept this but he continues to have that hard look on his face which I know doesn't bode well for me…or us, but I also know that I can't back down about this. Brian has come so close to his end with Stockwell and I have faith in him that he will reach that place, where he is helping me or doing something on this own to stop Stockwell. So I just have to wait until that time even though our 'relationship' may be slightly strained until he comes to that point.

_"You don't know what I think. I don't give a shit about Stockwell but you're not just fucking with him, you're fucking with me. It's my business, now get the hell out of here."_

Urg, fuck Brian, you are so hard headed and let me tell you, once we get to a point in our relationship where it's all good, you are never to use the word business in my presence again. First, when we were supposed to go to Vermont and instead of really explaining the reason you couldn't go, you throw the word business in my face like I wouldn't understand if you had explained it to me, and no again, that word gets thrown in my face. So that's it, never again with that word, asshole.

 

Brian's POV

As I watch Justin walk out with his head held high and his back stiff, I wish I could undo what I just did but I couldn't. He is doing what he believes in and at any other time I would be all there and encouraging him, but now his beliefs are working against me and he needs to stop. I know that is hypocritical but I can't stop it, Stockwell can give me everything I have ever wanted and for that reason alone I need to stick with him, whether I like it or not.

I quickly go around the room making sure I pick up everything that I can find that might show what Justin was doing tonight and as I grab up the trash to throw everything I have collected away and go dump the trash bucket in the dumpster, I look down and see a bunch of pamphlets in there. Out of curiosity I pick one out to look at the title. 'Difficulties of Male Pregnancy'. After seeing this title I grab the rest and see that they are all about Male Pregnancy.

"What the fuck are these about?"


	8. NO???

  
Author's notes: Thanks to all that have reviewed my story and thanks to my beta LOIS.  


* * *

Brian's POV

Shit Brian, stop thinking about this, there is nothing you can do about this right now. You are at work so think about working and not whether or not Justin is…

God, I can't even think the word. What will I do if he is? I don't even know what to think; will I be like my father? I know I would never hit Gus but he goes home, would I lose it and hit my kid? I don't know what is going on and I don't know what to do.

Should I confront Justin with what I found? No, I should watch him to see if I can tell if this is true. Maybe it's someone else's and I'm going nuts about nothing. 

Ok, that's solved. I'm just going to watch, maybe now I can get back to work.

I have only been working about ten minutes when my day gets even worse with the entrance of an excited homophobe; in walks Stockwell.

_"You're a genius."_

Umm no shit, but what for this time? Or do I really want to know because if it helped you(,) I'm not sure I wanna acknowledge it.

_"You just figured that out."_

_"I spoke at the Pittsburg Press Association last night. Played it exactly like you_ _said, laughed it off. They ate it up."_

Duh, is that not my job, to make you look less like an ass? And although you make it a hard job, I can sell alcohol that taste like piss so I should be able to sell you.

_"Yeah, I bet after that rubber chicken they did."_

_"And guess who I heard from when I got back to the office."_

Oh god, I can just imagine but I have a feeling it's not going to be good.

_"The NRA."_

The only people I can imagine wanting to talk to you, gun toting straight guys.

"The Gay and Lesbian Center." 

What the fuck, I have always hated those people but now they have made it obvious why I think the world would be better off if those fucks were straight. I can't believe they would support this fucking asshole. Don't they realize that he wants all of us to die.

Shit…I'm fucking doing the same thing….

_"Huh."_

Ok, maybe I'm a little more shocked than I thought I was.

_"A woman named Tannis, they're endorsing me."_

Oh, what am I going to do now. These people have no reason to side with Stockwell and yet they are, just because they would like to control how all gays act and that is fucking insane. Do they really think that supporting this man will be the best thing, even for them?

_"I'm not surprised."_

Because they are dumb asses and they think that you have the same agenda as they do. Because they want to clean up the gay population too but they don't realize by that, you mean you want them all to disappear.

_"The Gay and Lesbian Center officially supports Chief James Stockwell in his mayoral campaign. And praises his efforts to close down sexual establishments that have been a blight on the image of our community. Guess they can't call me a homophobe now, can they."_

Well, the ones with brains can still call you it.

_"I guess not."_

_"Three other gay organizations have all come out for me. All pretty much saying the same thing. It's about time somebody cleaned up Liberty Avenue and I have you to thank. You helped me get that message out there. That I want a safe, clean, morally upstanding city for all our citizens. You and the fine folks at the Gay and Lesbian Center understand that."_

Oh my god, have I really turned into my worst nightmare. God, how the hell did I do that? And what the hell can I do to stop it?

That's all I can think about while Stockwell leaves my office with a smile on his face and a sense of purpose fills me as it hasn't for a while.

I know I need to do something to stop Stockwell and I'm not going to allow what the man can do for me even enter my mind. He has to be stopped and like I just said, I can be Dr. Evil. So no, I just have to figure out what it is that I'm going to do.

Maybe I'll just call my little super hero J.T. because I know he didn't stop his little anti Stockwell campaign, and while his actions were great, the two of us together would be unstoppable. With this artistic mind and my experience selling anything to anybody I bet, hell I know, we can stop Stockwell.

And if we do this together, I can watch him more to see if those pamphlets were his.

Now I just need to find the little shit.

 

A Couple of Hours Later

Justin's POV

I am once again running all over town putting up anti Stockwell posters, hoping to get the general public to realize what an ass this man is but my mind isn't on what I am doing. It is switching back and forth between Brian's reaction to finding out about me doing the posters and Daphne's seemingly never ending campaign to prove to me that I'm pregnant. 

I'm at the point where I just don't know what to do about either of these things and they fill my mind twenty-four hours a day. I know Brian will come around and I hope it's soon but it feels so shitty to be against him and it will until he does come around. This plagues my mind and makes me doubt myself even though I know I can't stop. God, I just wish it was easier to do the right thing but sometimes it just isn't.

And Daphne, oh god I spend so much time thinking about that, I'm beginning to have delusions that she's right and I find myself rubbing my stomach even though I know she's wrong…she has to be wrong. The stomach that I find myself rubbing is still flat, hell I've actually lost some weight so I know she has to be wrong. The thing is though, now I'm starting imagine it and it's driving me nuts. I have always wanted to have children and children with Brian is the best thing I can think of. Just these thoughts and knowing they're not true, has made me start to burst into tears a couple of times.

As I am thinking this, a hand grabs my arm and pulls it back and I think that I'm fucked, that one of Stockwell's cops just caught me and I'm screwed. Then I meet the face of the person who is holding my wrist and see it's Brian and still for a second, I think I'm screwed but then he pulls me into a passionate kiss and I know everything is ok. Hell it's better than ok, I know that something has finally been too much for Brian and he is going to be on the right side again.

As soon as Brian breaks off the kiss, he grabs a poster out of my bag and slaps it up on the wall in front of us. I'm so happy I want to cheer but I don't, and we spend the rest of the night covering Pittsburg with the new message, what a laughing stock Stockwell is.

The next Day

Brian's POV

Justin just left me to go back to Daphne's and I can't fucking believe it, and I will deny it until my dying day, but I'm stalking him. I just have to know if he's pregnant. I don't really know what I'll do if he is, but I have to know.

As Justin goes into the apartment, I park out of sight and hope they go somewhere soon because it's not like I can spy on him when he's inside. About a half an hour into my surveillance, Justin and Daphne come outside and start walking down the street. The street is fairly crowded so I jump out and follow them on foot.

About ten minutes later I realize two things, one they are headed to the movies and two, they seem to be in an argument. I try to get closer to them to hear what they are arguing about without them seeing me.

Finally I'm close enough and I can hear them.

"Daphne, I really don't know what the hell your problem is but I am not fucking pregnant and you need to fucking cut it out with all these books and shit. A guy at school already saw one so I'm sure it's going to go around school that I'm fucking knocked up. What will I do if Brian fucking sees one?"

"But Justin…"

"No Daphne, it's enough. No matter how much you might think it or want it or whatever, I AM NOT PREGNANT!!!"

Justin's words are clear and they ring through me but instead of making me glad(,) I find myself sad. I can't really explain this feeling but all I know is that I need to get out of here, I need to be alone right now.

That Night

Justin's POV

_"Where the fuck are we?"_

I can't believe I agreed to go somewhere, I have no idea where, in the middle of a cold ass Pittsburg night because there is no where left to fuck because of Stockwell's anti queer campaign. All backrooms or any other place we go to have sex have been closed down, so here we are searching for a new place.

_"My guess Altuna."_

Hahaha, very funny fucker, I would say that I wish that Brian was more serious but I'd being lying. I love his sarcastic wit and his sometimes childlike humor.

_"Where did you hear about this place again."_

_"I read about it in O."_

Ok, anyone else shocked that Brian reads the articles in O, much less even opens it?

_"And I thought it was all douche ads."_

_"Well, I'll have to get you a subscription for your birthday. Something tells me that we're here."_

We're here? Where the fuck is here? I can't believe we're actually going to have sex in the back of an eighteen wheeler in the dead of winter in Pittsburgh. God, I must really love you Brian.

Brian starts knocking and some ugly guy opens the back doors of the truck.

_"We're here for the Feldman Bar Mitzvah."_

What the fuck, I can't believe that's the code and more than that, I can't believe Brian actually said it.

_"Come on."_

The 'bouncer' gives us both a once over and ushers us into the back of the truck. We walk by men in various stages of fucking and it's almost like a backroom...except colder. We pass many men and finally find a spot that's empty and Brian leans up against the side of the truck.

We start kissing and making out and I run my right hand down his body searching for his cock.

_"Your cock is really hard."_

God, there are few things better in this world than feeling Brian rock hard with lust for me.

_"Yeah, try frozen solid."_

Fuck, it's probably true, it's cold as hell in here.

_"You don't suppose my tongue will stick to it, do you."_

I joke and Brian gives me a very serious shake of his head. I act very put upon as I sink to my knees, because although I want to blow him, hell I always want to blow him, it's fucking cold in here and it's not doing anything for me to be this cold.

I slowly unzip his pants and pull them down a little roughly, getting into it but I stop when Brian gasps like he's in pain.

_"Are you ok?"_

I ask, worried about him as always, but now he sounds like I hurt him.

_"This metal is fucking freezing."_

I can't fucking believe this , this is fucking ridiculous. We have to pay the price because our police chief is a fucking homophobe and I can't fucking stand it. But I can tell you what, there won't be any sex in the back of an eighteen wheeler for me tonight.

_"This sucks."_

_"And not in a positive life affirming way."_

No shit there has to be something else we can do and I am not fucking done with Stockwell, the fucking dick.

_"There has to be some place else we can go."_

Back At The Loft

Brian's POV

We head back to the loft and I'm pissed that this is the only place left where we can fuck. But I can't dwell on that because right now more than I'm pissed, I'm fucking horny and I need to get inside of Justin's tight little ass.

I practically throw him down on the bed and jump in behind him. I hear Justin giggle a little after I growl at him but I don't care because I need that ass.

"Get naked and on your hands and knees. Now!" I demand in a rough voice.

Justin quickly does as I demand without hesitation and I rip my clothes off as he's taking his off. As he gets into position, I grab the lube and a condom. I put on the condom and lube myself up.

"This is gonna be fast and hard." I growl as I quickly open him up.

"Oh yes. Fuck me Brian."

"Hell yeah." I say as I pull my fingers out of him and grab his shoulders and slam into him.

I wait a minute for him to adjust and when he pushes back against me, I know he is ready. I grab his hips and pull out slowly and then slam my way back in. As I continue my deep thrusts, driving my way home, noises of rapture start to flow out of Justin's mouth and fill the room.

I pull myself deeper inside of Justin and grab his hair for leverage. I am pounding my need to be free into him and he is taking everything I have and giving it back just as hard. My thrusts quickly getting deeper and I look down and watch sweat drip from my body onto his.

Soon I feel myself start to lose control and I'm no longer pulling out of him, I'm just jabbing deep inside of him, making sure to hit his prostate every single time I push inside. The tingling in my balls tells me that I'm going to cum soon and I reach around to stroke him off but he swats away my hand and seconds later he is cumming without any added stimulation. The feeling of him tightening around me is enough to push me over the edge and I start cumming, clenching my teeth to keep from screaming out his name.

_"Ah that was great."_

When Justin says this I just smile and reply.

_"Aaaaamazing."_

I then lean over and kiss the side of his mouth.

_"And climate controlled." We both laugh at this._

_"Stockwell's finally done it…forced us to stay at home and fuck in our beds."_

I can't help saying, the bitterness I feel is overwhelming and I know Justin can hear it in my voice.

_"You're the one who helped him turn us into straight law abiding citizens."_

I look at Justin after he says this and I'm sure his sees the hurt and betrayal in my eyes, although I'm not quite sure why I feel that way, because it's true and there's nothing I can do to change that.

_"Just call me Dr. Spin."_

_"You could be Dr. Evil."_

I smile at this thought as he kisses me and gets up from the bed. I know he got up to leave me alone with my thoughts because sometimes it's important for me to be able to think about things without anyone present, so I can come to conclusions on my own and Justin knows this. 

I like how Justin knows me that well and I like that he has the same thoughts as me about me going after Stockwell. Now the questions is, what will I do. As I am thinking this, I see Justin in the frig and I think about how he almost died because of an asshole like Stockwell. And then because of Stockwell's cops and another asshole like Stockwell, his attacker got off.

As this starts forming an idea in my head, Justin runs by me and slams into the bathroom and starts puking his brains out.


	9. Proof Positive

  
Author's notes:

Hey check out the beautiful new banner done by the great and powerful muffin_donat2007

Also Thanks to Lois for the Beta'ing   


 

* * *

Brian's POV

Ok, there is definitely something wrong with Justin. And bullshit that I'm gonna keep buying the flu story. He will tell me what's wrong with him or if he really doesn't know, he will be going to the doctors to find out.

God, I don't know what to do. I am just sitting behind him as he pukes almost constantly, as he has for almost an hour. A while ago he emptied the contents of his stomach and now he is just dry heaving, hard. Just looking at him I can see how much pain he is in, not to mention the pitiful sounds that he keeps making.

Every part of me is shaking and even though I try to make it so there are no outward signs of it, I know I am not being successful. I guess it doesn't matter though because it is just me and Justin here and Justin wouldn't notice if the loft caught on fire right now.

Finally Justin stops throwing up and he is now leaning back into my arms. I lay my back against the wall and pull Justin tightly into my arms. I am rubbing my hands up and down his arms which are as sweat soaked as the rest of him.

After a few minutes of me doing that he curls into me so tightly it's as if he is trying to disappear into my body.

Another five minutes goes by when out of the blue I hear him mumble something, but as low as he is speaking and as tightly as his is wrapped into me, I can't understand what he said.

"What, Jus? I can't understand you, say that again."

"I said, I give up."

This time I hear what he says perfectly but I still don't understand his words. What does he give up about?

"Huh?"

Justin's POV

I have had it, I just can't do this anymore. I have been puking my guts out for God only knows how long once again but this time Brian was here to witness it. God, it's so embarrassing plus it hurts so bad I don't ever think my stomach will be alright again.

I can feel Brian's concern and fear coming off his body in waves, not that I would ever acknowledge it even if I could because Brian hates to be vulnerable in anyway. But that doesn't even matter now because I don't have the energy to lift my head by myself any longer, much less say anything about how Brian is acting.

I have finally stopped praying to my only God as of late, the porcine one, and I am now just leaning here against whatever is closest to me, which at the moment happens to be Brian.

'Oh that feels good, Brian.'

Brian has just wrapped his strong arms around me and I'm now as comfortable as I can get. I have always loved being in Brian's arms, even from the first night they have felt like home to me. The only place I have ever felt completely safe, secure, and loved. Like I didn't have to do anything or be anything but myself.

But right now, even in his arms I'm scared, albeit a lot less scared than I'd be if I wasn't in his arms but I'm still scared because I hear Daphne's words ringing in my ears. I finally have accepted that she is probably right. I need to get it checked out; to see if I am pregnant.

Damn, I guess I'll buy a test tomorrow. Shit!!!

"I give up!"

Oh fuck, did I just say that out loud?

"What Jus? I can't understand you, say that again."

I guess I did say it out loud. Damn, how am I going to explain that. I don't want to tell him what I think, not until I know for sure. I know I can't not say anything, so I'll repeat what I said to give me a minute to come up with a reason for saying it.

"I said, I give up."

"Huh?"

Brian's face reflected curiosity and concern at my statement. I know that he has been worried about my health and that thought gave me the answer I needed.

"It's just that I have sick lately and I brushed it off but I can't fucking do that anymore so I give up. I'm going to the doctor's to see what's up no matter how much I don't want to."

"Do you have any idea what's wrong with you." Brian says, his fear laced heavily in his voice.

I know I have to come up with something so he doesn't insist on coming with me to the doctors and the only thing that comes to mind is my old fall back I use on him all the time when I'm crying. Even though he doesn't usually believe it then, I'm hoping he'll buy it now.

"Well, I have felt like this before so I'm thinking that I have developed a new allergy to something and I need to cut whatever it is out of my life."

I watch as Brian's body relaxes and I know that he is buying my lie and then I see a smirk come across his face and I know he is going to do his best to lighten up the situation; because now that he thinks that I'm alright, all this emotion is wearing on him.

"Maybe you're finally allergic to Mikey."

I laugh at his lame joke because I know he needs me to and then all other discussion is dropped as he gently gets me into the shower and washes me. After we are done in the shower, he dries me off just as gently and tenderly puts me into bed. We don't do anything all night except sleep in each other's arms.

The Next Morning

I hate lying to Brian but I know I have to do it until I know for sure because I can't get Brian all in an uproar if I'm wrong. I know Brian will freak out even at the idea of me being pregnant and I don't want to alarm him if there was nothing to worry about.

I know Brian has some sort of plan to bring down Stockwell and all the stress that he is under with the whole election; so I just promise to go to the doctors as he leaves even though I have no intention of it, at least not today.

I give Brian ten minutes after he leaves for work incase he has to come back for something and then I hurriedly throw some clothes on and rush to the bus. I am going to take the bus to a drug store I know of that's about a half an hour away because it wouldn't do for anyone who knows me to catch me buying a male pregnancy test. With the queer grapevine being what it is, Brian would know I bought it before I got the results back on the test.

About forty-five minutes later I arrive at the drug store and to my aggravation, I don't see a test on the shelves. Shit, I have to go ask, could this suck anymore?

"Excuse me?"

"Yes, how may I help you?"

"I need a pregnancy test, please."

"They're on isle four."

"No, I need male pregnancy test not a female one."

I say with an inward cringe hoping that this guy won't be an asshole about it but when a look of disgust comes across his face, I know I'm not going to be that lucky today. But to my surprise, the exchange goes better than I thought it would.

"Hold on, I have to go get one."

The man sneered when he spoke but went to go get one without another word. When the cashier returns, he won't to look me in the eye but I don't really care as long as he rings up my purchase and I can get out of here.

"That will be $39.95." 

He says after he runs it through the scanner and I can't believe how expensive they are but I don't say anything about it and I just hand over the money.

After retrieving the bag, I left the store and went to a gas station I saw down the street hoping that they had a bathroom. Minutes later, I slip into the bathroom like a spy, check all around me to make sure no one sees what I am bringing in with me.

I read the directions and then follow them with shaking hands. The box says to wait ten minutes so as I wait, without looking at the stick. I go through all the reasons in my mind why I want the test to be negative and refuse to acknowledge even in my own mind that I might want something different, because I'm just not pregnant. I'm not. 

Finally I look at my watch and the ten minutes have passed, the longest ten minutes of my life.

When I look down, I stare at the two lines that have appeared on the stick in disbelief. 'It can't be true. Hell, it's not true and I'll prove it.' I shake my head at what I easily recognize as denial and head back to the store. Denial or not, I'm getting another test.

An hour later I am heading to Daphne's house wondering what I'm going to do about this. Both tests have come up positive and I no longer have the luxury of denial, so I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to say to Brian.

How will I tell him this? Will he be happy or will he let the fears he has of turning into his father, cloud him and make him push me away. I don't know the answers to these questions and the seemly million others I have, so I know I will have to avoid Brian until I can figure them out.

At The Same Time; Vanguard Conference Room

Brian's POV

_"And since it's the last spot before the election. I wanna do something broad, sweeping and epic."_

I say this while hoping they buy my plan because this is critical in my 'bring down Stockwell' plan

_"Lord of the Rings in thirty seconds?"_

God, that guy's an idiot.

_"Something that will put you in the context of the entire city. A man for all the people."_

All the people, as if you give a shit about all the people.

_"I get it, show me with as many racially and culturally diverse groups as possible."_

Give the man a cookie, he got it.

_"Exactly."_

_"Actually it's not a bad idea."_

I glare at one of Stockwell's stupid aides when she says this.

_"I don't really have bad ideas. And I want the cameras on you at all times. We'll get you at the Asian cultural society, the Hispanic Institute, the Gay and Lesbian Center. "_

Oops, their eyes widened. I was kind of hoping I just slipped that one by, even though I knew it was extremely unlikely.

_"The Gay and Lesbian Center?"_

Is there an echo in here. I'm pretty sure that's what I just said.

_"I'm not too popular in that neck of the woods."_

Really, I hadn't noticed. I wonder why that is.

_"Perhaps we should scratch that one."_

Stop talking or I may have to hurt you. Oh, I don't have any patience today.

_"Let's not be too hasty, they did endorse you after all. And who knows, when it comes down to election day, it maybe those few extra votes that tip things in your favor."_

Please, please, please buy this, it's instrumental for my plans.

_"Wouldn't that be a laugh, if it were the gays that put you in office."_

Oh fucker! Shut the fuck up now, you little dick.

_"The polls do show that the race is getting tighter."_

_"Go kiss some hands, shake some babies."_

Twenty Minutes Later

Oh thank god they're gone, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue any longer. God, they are all so fucking retarded. Ok, I have to calm down, they bought it and they will show up. Now I just need to put the plan all together and do the research and get Justin in on it.

You know what I think, I'll call Justin right now.

Ring, ring, ring. I listen to the endless ringing until Justin's answering machine picks up and it frustrates me so I leave a rather abrupt message.

"Justin what the fuck, why aren't you answering your phone, you fucking twat. I need to fucking talk to you. Call me back."

As soon as I slam the phone down I remember last night and the fact that Justin was going to the doctors' today and I feel about an inch tall. I wish I could take the message back but I can't and I'll have to live with it and maybe apologize to Justin for being such a dick while he could be sick.

"Oh god, is he sick?"


	10. A Burn At The GLC

  
Author's notes:

Ok as everyone knows or I hope they do this story is for Rory/ForeverFolked. And it is my first try at Men-Preg. OK as my usual beta is on a cruise and some of my readers(Laina) couldn't wait for a new chapter I made Laina beta it, thanks Laina. My beautiful, wonder, great banner is by muffin_donat2007/Eka.

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Brian's POV

I watch the crowd and Stockwell, waiting for my plan to be put into motion. All I can think about is Justin. He has been avoiding me since the day of his doctor's appointment. I don't know if it's because of the message I left him, or because of something the doctor told him, although he had an excuse for being sick. He says the doctor says he has developed a new allergy to an air born allergen, but I don't know if I believe him.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I got the air filters in the loft strengthened, and I sent a portable air filter over to Daphne's for him. But I still think he's lying. But about what, what could be wrong with him? Is he really sick? Would he hide it from me if something was really wrong?

God. I just want to grab Justin and shake him, to get him to tell me what's wrong. But I've barely seen him since that day. I mean I know we've both been busy setting this up, but damn... I thought he was avoiding me before, but this is totally ignoring me.

Hell, we haven't even had sex since that night. It's like he's rationing it, or worse, weaning me off it.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts of Justin, because I can't keep along this train of thought or I'll lose my mind. And plus I should be paying attention, we're about to launch the first nail into Stockwell's coffin.

**_"I just want to say, Chief Stockwell, I totally support your efforts to make Liberty Avenue a decent and respectable place to live."_ ** **__**

What an idiot. Some random fuck who belongs at the GLC, stroking Stockwell's already over inflated ego. Just what we need, this fucker thinking more of himself. 

**_"Thank you very much."_ ** ****

Great, like I want the man to be thankful. Of course, in a few minutes he won't be. As I think this, I try to hold back a laugh.

**_"But I was wondering why it takes the police so long to respond. My townhouse was broken into a couple of months ago, and I called and the police didn't show up for two hours."_ ** ****

That's a good question. Unfortunately one he probably has a nice quick answer for, because he knew someone was going to bitch about that. Of course, the real answer is that he and his homophobic cops wish we were all dead. So responding to us is the least of their concern, unless they think they might see one of us die. Then they might get here quicker.

**_"Unfortunately the current mayor cut my departments budget. But when I'm elected, I can guarantee you a greater police presence on Liberty Avenue."_ ** ****

I just knew he would have an answer for that, and what an answer it is, 'let's blame it on someone else'. Fucking coward.

**_"Any other questions for the Chief?"_ ** ****

Oh look, one of the leaders of the dickless GLC fags. But that's the right question, and now the fun begins. I fucking love this plan.

Justin's POV

Fucking right, just the question I was waiting for. I love this plan of Brian's.

**_"Margareta Lopez?"_ ** ****

I shout out in a questioning voice.

**_"Excuse me?"_ ** ****

What's wrong, don't you have an answer for everything thing, Stockwell?

**_"Margareta Lopez was a transsexual. She was murdered five years ago. Her killers have never been found."_ ** **__**

You go Daphne! Let's see him talk his way out of this, the fucker. I have never been as proud of Brian, as I am at this moment. Well maybe with Gus, but that's it.

**_"The Pittsburgh PD does it's best to solve every crime however there is always the occasional…"_ ** **__**

I cut him off, because I don't want to hear his bullshit excuses. I don't want him to turn this around, and try to make himself look okay, or like he's the good guy. Which I know is his plan. All politicians try that, but he isn't going to pull that off with me.

**_"Jefferson Proctor."_ ** **__**

Another name of someone he should have heard about, because it's an unsolved homicide and he is the police chief. But again a blank, unknowing look on his face. What a fucking surprise. What will be a surprise is if he actually knows any of these names, because they are all gay people killed in the community that he is trying to erase.

We will not just lay down and let you make us disappear, and it's time you learned that, Jimmy-Boy.

**_"Jefferson Proctor, was a gay African American. He was shot to death a half a block from Woody's. Crime unsolved."_ ** ****

I just love how Lindsey can say this in that Wasp tone. She makes it sound like Stockwell is something that she scrapped off the bottom of her shoe.

**_"Natasha Ginsberg."_ ** ****

Oh, still with the blankness of not knowing who these people are. But now there's a decided edge of anger in Stockwell's face. I want to jump up and down cheering, but I restrain myself as I listen to Mel talk.

**_"Natasha Ginsberg, age 61. A lesbian out walking her dog. Stabbed to death, killer still at large."_ ** **__**

And now comes the hard part…me.

**_"Justin Taylor."_ ** ****

Shit. My mom's going to be the one talking about this one. She insisted, but I don't really want to hear it, and I know it's going to hurt her to say it.

**_"Justin Taylor, my beautiful gay son. Attacked at his prom. Left for dead. Police reported it as a simple assault instead of a hate crime, which it was. His attacker got off with community service."_ ** **__**

There is a slight hush after this, and I know people are connecting me with the name and the story. 

**_"Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank these concerned citizens for reminding me of the violence that threatens and sometimes claims the lives of members of this community. However, the vast majority of violent crimes are solved and the criminals apprehended."_ ** ****

Really? You fucker, you have no idea what happens down here. Unless you caused it because you don't care. You would just like to think of us as disgusting things, so that way your hatred of an entire community of people can seem justified in your eyes.

The worst thing about it, is I don't even think he realizes how fucked up it is to hate an entire community of people. Especially for something that they didn't chose and can't change.

**_"What about him? Did you do your best for him?"_ ** **__**

We couldn't give him to anyone but Deb. She would have killed us. She has made him her quest in life, and she's going to rip Stockwell to shreds for him. She's not doing it because of him, no she's doing it for him. To give him back a little of something that he should have always been able to have, dignity.

It's horrible when you don't have dignity in your life. But not to have it in your death, is beyond intolerable.

**_"I remember that boy. His murder was tragic, someone so young."_ ** **__**

Please keep pretending that you care. One of my biggest fears about having this kid is that someone like you will be in power, and he or she will learn hate, or have to deal with hate because of that.

God. I have to stop I can't think of the baby at a time like this. I swear since I found out a couple of days ago that I was in fact pregnant, I've been starting to feel better. My nausea has eased and my appetite has come back with a vengeance.

I still haven't told anyone but Daphne about it . But she takes every chance she can get, to rag me about it. Last night she told me that I would eat Donald Trump out of house and home before I gave birth.

Oh, got to start paying attention again.

**_"Then what was his name?"_ ** **__**

Humm. Do you have an answer for that Stockwell? Seeing as you cared so much about him and his death?

**_"I may not recall his name but I do know that…"_ ** **__**

I interrupt him again because I know he doesn't know it, and I don't want to hear his fucking lies.

**_"Jason Kemp."_ ** ****

God. How does someone get to be police chief without everyone realizing he is fucking useless? We could put a trained monkey in his place, and the only way you'd be ably to tell the difference, was because the monkey wouldn't spend half his time bitching and moaning about queers and family values.

Okay. It's again Deb's turn to tear into Stockwell, and I for one can't wait. Although I'm sure he wishes she would shut up. Ha-ha, fucker. We can't get her to shut up either.

**_"His name was Jason Kemp and the reason you don't remember it, is because no one in your department could find out what it was. But I did. The waitress who found his body in a dumpster behind the diner where I work. Jason Kemp, AKA Dumpster Boy! Murder unsolved."_ ** **__**

Where as when my story was told, there was an almost silence. Now the entire audience is in an uproar, mumbling, and talking amongst themselves. Some are shouting at Stockwell. I can tell you Stockwell is going to run out of here like a bat out of hell, but I also know that he just hurt himself, a lot.

**_"We'd like to thank our guest, police chief Jim Stockwell for coming tonight. And to invite everyone to stay for coffee. We should remember that Jim Stockwell is a very busy man, and we should be extremely grateful to him for finding the time to come and speak_ ** **** **_to us."_ ** ****

God. Brian has always hated that woman Tannis and I never really liked her myself. But now I hate her too. With everything just thrown in her face, she still tries to defend that asshole. I just don't understand I guess. I don't understand how someone who is gay could back that man.

As Stockwell leaves, he throws me a death glare. But I don't really care because we pulled it off. His true colors where shown tonight and in front of the whole world, thanks to the news media that he made sure was here.

As we leave the GLC I get pulled into an alley, and at first I panic, thinking of what I had just done. That once again my big mouth has gotten me into more trouble than I can handle. But then I realize the hands I feel are Brian's, and I relax until he speaks.

"Come to the loft. I want to see you."

Brian's POV

I wait until I know that Stockwell and all his henchmen(cops) are gone. Then when I see Justin pass me, I pull him into the alley where I am. I can't take anymore of his avoiding me, and so I tell him to met me at the loft. I admit to wanting to see him, because I'm hoping that will be enough to convince him to come. Even if he still wants to hide whatever he's hiding from me. I tense when he doesn't answer right away, afraid that he's going to turn me down, but then he speaks.

"Sure Brian."

I know that we have to go to Woody's first, but I'm happy to go, now that I know I'll be seeing him after.

  
Justin's POV

At Woody's

**_"Here's to nailing that mother fucker."_ ** **__**

I love Deb, and she doesn't really know how powerful she is.

**_"It'll be all over the news for sure."_ ** **__**

Umm is this my best friend, my secret holder? Let's state the obvious Daphne.

**_"The gay community bashes back."_ ** **__**

Oh, nice one Mel. Maybe I should use that on a poster.

**_"And we have none other to thank then my brilliant, talented son."_ ** **__**

**_"Hey Sunshine."_ ** ****

Oh please. Mom, Deb, don't embarrass me.

**_"It was a brilliant idea, researching all those unsolved crimes."_ ** **__**

Yeah, Brian's brilliant idea Lindsey, but I can't say that. He doesn't want anyone to know.

**_"How'd you do it Sunshine?"_ ** **__**

I'm not telling you either, Deb.

**_"I have my Deep Throat."_ ** **__**

**_"I bet you do. Excuse me."_ ** **__**

Oh shit, she knows.

Brian's POV

Oh shit. Here comes Deb, and look at the look on her face. She knows.

**_"You don't seem too upset."_ ** **__**

You aren't leading me into anything Deb, so don't try. 

**_"About what?"_ ** **__**

**_"Well, we just exposed your boy's considerable short comings in full view of the press."_ ** **__**

That you did, and so well too. I'm so proud of all of you, especially Justin.

**_"Well, every politician has to deal with the lunatic fringe."_ ** **__**

Well, I couldn't actually tell her I was proud, now could I?

**_"You know in the old days, before you sold your soul for a sack of gold, you'd have been the one who laid the trap for Stockwell. In fact, it had the hand of the master written all over it. But I guess those days are gone."_ ** **__**

I didn't sell my soul. I just leased it out, but Justin repossessed it and the master is back.

**_"Hi."_ ** **__**

Nice of you to walk in now, Mikey. It would have been even nicer if you were there with your family, to fight Stockwell. Shit. Did I just think that?

**_"Where the fuck were you? You never came to the center."_ ** **__**

Thanks for asking Deb, so I didn't have to.

**_"I was with Ben looking for Hunter."_ ** **__**

**_"Yeah? Well you missed quite a show. Your mom does a great Norma Rye."_ ** **__**

**_"Did you find him?"_ ** **__**

**_"Ben told him he was positive, he didn't even seem to care."_ ** **__**

**_"He's a fucking hustler, what do you expect?"_ ** **__**

Really. I mean, will Mikey ever learn? Just because he cares, doesn't mean anyone else does.

**_"At his age, he probably doesn't even realize the consequences."_ ** ****

Great excuse Deb. I don't know what we'd do without your wisdom. Can you hear the sarcasm?

**_"You think he'd at least show some gratitude for us trying to help."_ ** **__**

Oh Mikey, really. Did you try to help this kid to get something out of it? Shit, you're an ass sometimes.

**_"I'm sure he'll write you a thank you note, first chance he gets."_ ** **__**

**_"It's a very loving thing you did, sweetheart. Even if some people don't think so."_ ** ****

He wasn't being loving, he wanted recognition for his good deed. How loving his that?

**_"Well, if you're done doing your good deed, how about picking up a cue?"_ ** **__**

**_"You know we're lucky."_ ** **__**

How the fuck are we lucky, Mikey? Really. I want to understand what goes on in your head.

**_"That our hair line hasn't started to recede?"_ ** **__**

**_"That no matter how much you hated your parents, or how much my mom drives me crazy, they never tried to give us away."_ ** **__**

**_"Speak for yourself."_ ** ****

Shut up and let's just play pool, so I can leave and be with Justin.

An hour later at the loft

Justin and I walk into the loft together, and he's not even looking at me. I wonder if this is it, if he'll break up with me again. I don't know what's going on, but I do know that I can't just let him do this to us. I just can't. Because I don't think that the reason is that he has found someone else, or he doesn't love me anymore. I think it's something outside of 'us', and I can't let that be the end of us.

I don't know what to do. So I do the only thing I can't think of. I pull him in my arms, holding him tightly to my chest. I want him to feel the love I can't express. I want him to know how much I love him, and that I want him here, with me.

Justin's POV

Brian takes me into his arms, and I don't know what to do. Half of me is screaming to tell him that we are having a baby. But the rest of me knows that he can't handle more stress right now. 

He can't handle the stress and everything in all the books that Daphne and I have read, say that I need to be low stress all the time. The only thing is, there are problems with that. One, being the whole Stockwell thing. Another one being that I'm hiding the baby from Brian. Last but certainly not least, is the simple fact that my emotions have seemed to have gone nuts lately.

My mind is racing with everything that this means, and all the things that are going to happen. I pause for a moment, and then Brian speaks.

"Don't cry Justin. Please, just tell me what's wrong. You know I'll do anything to help you. Please Justin."

I'm so surprised, not only by the begging that I hear in Brian's voice, but also by the fact that I'm crying. But now that he said something about it, I can feel the tears slide down my face. I don't really know where they came from, and I know I should stop because Brian can't handle emotion too well. But I can't seem to get them to stop, so I try to pull out of his arms. I try to pull away from him, but he only tightens his hold on me and says one word that I've always wanted to hear:

"Stay."

 

 

  



	11. Fired...Again

Thanks to my beta's Lois, Laina, ans Lady_E and to Eka for the banner

 

Justin's POV continued

The fact that Brian asked me to stay, says a lot. It tells me that he's really worried. Because of everything with Stockwell going on, we haven't had as much time together, as we usually do. I know that he's worried about my health, and I wish that I could just tell him the truth. But with all the stress Brian's under, I know he would have a bad reaction to the news, and I couldn't take it if he rejected me and the baby.

'What if he told me to get an abortion?'

I would never be able to look at him again, and I couldn't handle losing him. I look up at him and he's staring at me. He's gnawing on his lower lip in that sexy way that he has, when he's unsure of something, and suddenly all other thoughts are gone. The only one left is: 'I need him inside of me, NOW.'

Shit. I've wanted Brian before, but this is crazy. I push him away from me and look deeply into his eyes, showing him my need. He looks as surprised as I felt a moment ago, and when he doesn't immediately move, I grab his hand and drag him up to the bedroom.

I know that I'm only getting away with this because he is surprised, and well hell, he's horny. We haven't had sex in what feels like forever to me.

When we get to the bedroom, I push him so that he falls back on the bed. I watch as he lands and his eyes dilate further with lust. Brian might always be the top, well we'll let everyone believe that, but he loves me to be the one in control every once in a while.

I get on the bed and climb slowly up his body, rubbing and caressing the entire way. When I reach his mouth, I launch an all out attack on his cherry lips. Brian soon starts moaning into my mouth, and the sound of his pleasure is making me harder than I ever knew was possible.

When air becomes a necessity, I pull away from him and look at his kiss swollen lips. Then I look at his eyes. They are completely glazed over now, and he tries to pull my face back to his, but I dodge his hands and move my assault to his neck. I'm sucking and biting hard, on the spot just below his ear, knowing I'll leave a hickey as my hands go to the buttons of his shirt.

"Justin."

I know that voice, and the fact that it's a warning not to leave a hickey. So I give him a quick, hard bite, and move on to the skin I'm exposing.

"Justin."

This time he hisses my name in pleasure, as I bite down on his nipple and then soothe the burn with my tongue. I lavish attention on that nipple for a few minutes. until Brian grabs my head and directs my mouth over to his other nipple. But he's not in charge here, and I pull my head out of his hands and concentrate on getting his shirt off. Brian lifts up to help me and then tries to take off my shirt as well, but I smack away his hand.

"No, no, no."

Brian give me an evil glare and reaches again, but I back away and slip a hand in his tight pants. His hands fall back as his hips lift, and once again he's under my control, and I reward him by rubbing slightly on his shaft. I feel the already wet spot on his pants get bigger.

I pull my hand out so I can take off his pants, and his groan of frustration turns into a growl of lust. Finally he's naked, and I'm rubbing against him with my fully clothed body and Brian seems to lose it. One second I hear a sound like a hungry animal, and the next, I'm on my back.

Brian's POV

The little fucker. Justin has been teasing and taunting me, and just plain ravishing my body for the last half hour while he's still clothed. He won't let me touch him. So I growl at him, and quickly flip him onto his back.

First order of business: cover that beautiful body, and then claim it as my own. I rip off his clothes, and don't even cringe when I hear the sound of fabric ripping. The little twat shouldn't have messed with me, if he cared about it.

As soon as I've got him naked, I'm devouring his lips like I'll die without them. Like they're food and I'm staving. Because they basically are and I pretty much am, but I'd never tell anyone that. No one can ever know what he means to me. 

When my lungs feel like they will explode, I release his mouth to go after his neck, much the way he did me. Of course I know he left a hickey, so I return the favor. I start sucking and biting on his neck just behind his ear, because I know his spot just as he knows mine.

"Yes Brian. Mark me."

I moan and suck harder at his words. Because as much as he loves me to mark him, I love to mark him even more. To show the world that he belongs to me. Again, not that anyone will ever know that. After pulling back and admiring my handiwork, I start kissing down his chest, as I reach under the pillow to grab the lube and a condom.

Using one hand, I pop the top of the lube open, but Justin stops me before I can squeeze any out.

"No lube."

I look into his face when he says this, because I'm... well _big_ , and he's tight, so no lube will cause him pain. But the only thing I see in his eyes, is lust. So I pull back and reach into the night stand drawer. I pull out a lubed condom. I'll let him have a rough entry, but not one completely dry, because I don't want to hurt my baby.

I slide on the condom and pull his legs to my shoulders. Then I move into place to ease into him. But once I'm in place, Justin grabs my arms and slams himself onto my cock, driving it deep inside of him.

"Oh God."

"Fuck."

The vice grip like hold around me clears my mind, and causes me to cry out until I hear his whimper of pain.

"God! Why did you do that Justin?! Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, just give me a sec."

"Why did you do it?"

"I wanted to feel you."

"Feel me?"

"Yes. I want to feel you like you're still inside of me, tomorrow. Please Brian, don't stop."

I look into his eyes, and I know something else is going on. But I'm Brian Kinney, and if he needs to fuck it away, who am I to stop him? I slowly start to move, making sure I'm not hurting him any more than he already is.

We quickly get into a rhythm and I'm plunging into him as far as I can, while he thrusts his hips up and tries to take me deeper still. We set a brutal pace and within minutes, I feel the tell tale tingling moving up my body and I know this will be over soon.

I reach around and to start tugging on his pulsating cock to bring him with me, but the minute I touch him, he cries out and his warm essence fills my hand. The rhythmic tightening around my cock sends me spiraling into orgasm with him.

As I cum, I fall onto him crushing him beneath me, but I don't think I could move if the loft caught fire. I pull out and tie the condom off. I throw it away, and then slip into sleep still on top of him. 

A Half an Hour Later

Justin's POV

I wake up and slowly push Brian off me, so I can head to the shower. As I move around, it becomes apparent that I got what I wanted. I can feel Brian with every move, and by the feel of it, I will for days to come. I climb in the shower, thinking about why it was so important to me for that to happen. Because I'll be avoiding him again starting tomorrow. The thought of ignoring him is killing me, but God I know he just can't handle any more stress now.

As this thought crosses my mind, I feel the cool breeze that tells me Brian has just joined me in the shower. He wraps his arms around me as if he knows I need comfort, and again I start to cry.

'Damn. I can't control my emotions for a minute, anymore.'

This thought makes the tears turn to sobs, and Brian's arms tighten around me for a second, before he turns me around to face him. We stand under the water, which now feels like a thousand needles stabbing into my overly sensitive skin. I flinch, cursing this pregnancy for making every thing so hard.

I don't know how I'm supposed to hide the baby. Especially when the symptoms of the pregnancy make me a bawling, horny, nut case. But for Brian's sake I'll do whatever it takes. I pull out of Brian's embrace and quickly start washing.

"Justin?"

"Please Brian, nothing's wrong. My emotions are just out of whack. Ok?"

"Are you going to have a hormonal change?"

'No. Not until after I give birth.' I think but of course I can't say that.

"Probably."

"You don't usually turn into a tear machine when that happens."

"Well, this time I am."

I jump out of the shower, feeling bad for lying to him and then snapping at him, but I'm so pissed right now. I'm pissed at him, at myself, at Stockwell. Hell, I'm pissed at the world. Because I'm pregnant and I can't even tell the father. I can't have him comfort me. I can't have him go to doctor appointments with me, nothing. All because, well, everything. It makes me want to murder someone.

I practically stomp to the bedroom and throw on my clothes, which are the ones I was wearing before, because I don't live here. I live with my best friend because I was stupid enough to leave the love of my life, the father of my child. Brian's too hard headed for us to be in a real relationship.

'God. Did I mention that I'm pissed?'

As soon as I finish dressing, I stomp out to the living room and go to work on my next Stockwell poster. If I can't kill the asshole, I can at least ruin him. As I'm pulling up my graphics program, I notice Brian has come out of the bathroom . He's looking at me with a concerned look on his face.

When Brian notices me looking at him, he quickly looks away.

'Of course. Wouldn't want to look like he cares.'

I turn back to the computer and hold in a sigh, knowing that I'm being unfair to Brian, but not being able to help it.

Two Hours Later

Brian's POV

"Done"

I'm sitting on the bed avoiding Justin and his emotions, while smoking a joint when I hear Justin's little self-satisfied statement and I know he is talking about the new Stockwell poster.

I go out to see what he did and he shows it to me and I have to say I'm impressed; not that it's a surprise, I am always impressed with his work. I'm always proud of him and I try to make sure he knows it.

Justin has made the poster a glaring reference to Jason Kemp, and the words on the poster say 'Dump Stockwell'.

_"It's a real beauty."_

I can't help but congratulate him, because I never want him to doubt how good he really is. And he is, he's one of the best, but he's one of those people who doesn't really do it for the praise. Justin draws because he's an artist, and if everyone in the world hated his art, he'd still be an artist.

_"Yeah, I'm kind of proud of it myself."_

Yeah, he's proud to be able to stick it to Stockwell, that's what he's proud of. Not this amazing piece of art. Not that I don't get where he's coming from. Because I loved sticking it, in the totally figural sense, to Stockwell. And hell, I love helping Justin do it too.

_"Where should we stick it?"_

Yuck. We've got to stop talking about sticking it to Stockwell, gross.

_"Hmm. City Hall, Police Headquarters, up his ass. Annihilate the fucker."_

Ok, enough with the ass references. I think I'm going to be sick.

_"Well, don't be so sure. It's only a poster."_

I don't want to be negative, but I also don't want Justin to get his hopes up, in case we fail. Oh God, what if we fail? Fuck! I have to stop talking to Justin like that. If I can depress myself, what the hell is it doing to Justin? It's bad enough that he seems to be having an emotional hormonal change this month.

_"Only? The last one nearly sent him around the bend. They even ran an editorial about it in the paper. Think of the stink when they see this one."_

He is so smug and sure of himself and I am so proud, not only of what he has accomplished, but also because he seems to becoming more sure of himself.

_"When did you get to be such a clever devil?"_

I say, my pride and 'caring' in my eyes, making sure he can see. I need him to know, just know, because I can't tell him. I can't say in words what I feel but that doesn't make my feelings any less strong. I need to see before he hides from me again, I just know he's planning to.

_"Learned from the master."_

His words are completely seductive and I notice his eyes are that azure shade instead of their normal sky blue and although no one else knows this, or ever will if I have anything to say about it. 

We immediately start kissing and caressing and tearing each other's clothes off. I can't believe how horny Justin is again but he is hurrying me along and moaning and begging. I slow him down because I know he must still hurt from earlier and I don't want to cause him more pain, but soon I am buried deep inside of him.

When I am all the way inside him, I pause for a minute and catch his eye.

"Whatever it is Justin, you can tell me."

Justin opens his mouth like he is going to tell me and then his eyes shift to my forehead and he lifts his hand to rub and I know he is rubbing at the stress lines that show there sometimes. Slowly he lowers his hand and pushes down, signaling me to continue without having told me anything.

I know he wanted to tell me, I saw it, but he didn't and it seemed to me like he didn't because of me. This worries me even more because I know it is eating at him to not tell me something but to know that I know that he wants to tell, it's worse. 

I know he won't tell me now so I try to push it from my mind and I slide out and then back into Justin with slow, hard, deep strokes. We are rocking together getting closer and closer to climax when there's a knock on the door. At first we attempt to ignore it but it doesn't go away. So I get up, covering my cock with just underwear, thinking it is one of the gang and I'll just yell at them for knocking forever and send them away. I yank open the door ready to start yelling but instead I feel like I'm going to stop breathing.

At my door standing in all his arrogance and noticing my naked body is Stockwell and behind him is Vance. I know the moment Stockwell notices the posters that are strewn over ever surface of the loft because he moves around me into the loft.

And then my breath freezes in my chest as he sets his sights on Justin with a glare. Justin just looks at him defiantly but I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill the police chief because he looks like he wants to harm Justin.

He doesn't, he just glares at both of us hatefully and then leaves. Vance stands in my doorway for another couple of seconds, looking at the incriminating evidence all around me and then he leaves as well, shaking his head slightly.

Justin's POV

'I knew I was right not to tell him.'

That's all I can think as I watch Brian stare at the door after Stockwell and Vance leave and when he finally looks away, he looks at me with a weird look on his face and finally he speaks.

_"Wanna finish?"_

I know that Brian is going nuts right now, not only about getting caught but also because of the invasion into his privacy, with Vance bringing Stockwell here so I just hold my hand out to him, telling him that I surrender to him. I know that this fuck will be hard but I also know Brian needs it, so I let him use my body to cure his frustration for the moment.

The Next Morning

Brian's POV

I'm sitting in Vance's office while he just kind of looks at me. I know he is pissed and that he has every right to be, so I will deal with the ass reaming I am about to receive with as little attitude as I can.

_"You've put me in a very difficult position; I hope you realize that."_

Shit, I know that, you don't think I know that? I'm sure Stockwell fucking lost it to you because he is not man enough to do it to me. 

_"Almost as difficult as the one I was in when you showed up."_

Shit Brian, stop being such a smart ass. The man is rightfully pissed, from his point of view, so just suck it up and deal with the tongue lashing you are about to receive.

_"Even though you are a partner in this agency, I am the CEO and major share holder and there are limits to what you can get away with."_

Yeah, you always have to throw in that little dig that you own the company and therefore have more power than me, but fuck you, I'm the one who brings in clients and the money asshole. If it wasn't for me, this agency would be nothing.

_"If Stockwell's got a problem, he can confront me directly."_

Instead of being the coward that we all know he is and tattling on me to my boss.

_"After what he saw last night? To say that you were caught with your pants down is an understatement."_

Hell yeah, it is. If you had come about three seconds later, I wouldn't have been able to come to the door because I would have just cum.

_"Ok, so you found me fucking the intern."_

As if Justin is just the intern, but maybe he'll buy it and I won't have to kill someone for what damage this could do to Justin's future.

_"Same intern who made those libelous infantile posters. That Stockwell recognized from the fiasco at the center. Where he thinks you sent him knowing full well what would happ…"_

I cut him off because I can't hear his bitching anymore.

_"Alright Gardner. What do you want from me?"_

_"I want to know why you would do such a thing? Sacrifice your future as well as this agency's, for what?"_

Oh God, how do I explain that to a straight man? How do I tell him that sometimes I've got to stand up for what's right because if not, assholes like Stockwell will make me and everyone like me disappear. How do I explain the chants and the marches, while I don't participate in them, I know why they happen and it's the same reason, standing up for yourself. 

_"You wouldn't understand."_

_"Why not?"_

God, are you really that dense? Do you really not know what Stockwell has been doing to gays, cause I know you know I am one.

_"Because you're straight."_

_"Whatever the reason, you just fucked yourself out of a job."_

'What the fuck did he just say? Did he really just fire me?' 

I sit there stunned, until a security guard arrives at my side and tries to touch me to lead me out the door.

"Don't fucking touch me, I can walk."

I'm only allowed in my office to get my personal effects and the security guard watches me the entire time. Cynthia comes to the door and tries to talk to me but the guard puts his hand up to block her entrance. As I am about to yell at him, Cynthia does it for me.

"If you would like to keep that hand and your job, I'd move if I were you."

I'm sure it's the cold voice and the flinty eyes not her words that do the trick but whatever it is, he immediately lowers his hand to let her pass.

"Brian, what's going on?"

"I was fired."

I say this in a flat voice not looking at her any longer, just gathering up what I'm being allowed to take.

"Fired? But you are the agency, all the good ideas are yours. You're the one that brings in all the business."

I know what she says is true and if Vance doesn't know it yet, he'll know it soon enough. I look at her and smile a real smile in her direction before it becomes my usual smirk.

"I know, but apparently when you undermine a multimillion dollar client, Vance forgets that."

I see the wheels turning in Cynthia's head and I know that she knows what client I'm talking about. She then gives me her killer shark smile and walks out of my, well the office, and I know that although I might not have my job any longer, I still have my personal assistant.

After I'm done packing up all of the stuff in the office that I'm allowed to take, the guard walks me to the door and holds it open for me. I walk through it with only one thought in my head.

'Fuck, I don't have a job.'

I know I need the comfort that only Justin can give but I wonder if he will even meet me. I pray that he will and dial my cell.

Justin's POV

I am sitting here thinking about Brian and the baby and I know I have to tell him. There is no way around it, he has to know.

There is just no way I can hide it from him, it's making me act too weird and besides, he deserves to know that we're having a baby.

God, I wonder what our baby will look like. Will it have his eyes, hair, or chin? Or will those things come from me? Hell, will we have a boy or a girl?

Ok that's it, I'm telling him as soon as he gets off work. I'm going to the loft and telling him we are going to have a baby. I know he might not react well at first but I know he will love the baby once he or she is here, cause that's just who he is. As I make my decision, my cell rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey I'm leaving work now, you want to meet me at the loft?"

"Sure Brian, I'll be right over."

"Do you want me to pick you up?"

"No, I'm good."

We hang up and I know that this is God's way of telling me that I need to tell him so I head over to the loft to face the music.

I arrive at the loft and let myself in. I look around for Brian and when I see him, I am shocked to say the least. He called me stone cold sober less than twenty minutes ago and he is now chugging down beam straight out of the bottle and not just sips either. He is gulping it down like he has a time limit to finish it and it runs out in five minutes.

I walk to stand in front of him and try to get his attention but he doesn't look at me or even stray from his concentration on the bottle, so I kneel down in front of him and start to talk.

"Brian, what's wrong?"

At my words he looks up into my eyes and I can see how scared he is.

"Please tell me what's going on Brian."

"Igtfred."

He mumbles an incoherent answer to my question and I know he isn't talking like that because he is drunk. I know whatever it is, he just doesn't want to say it out loud.

"What Brian? I couldn't understand you."

He surges to his feet and looks down at me and repeats what he said.

"I got fired."

"But how can you be fired? You're a partner."

"Well apparently, if you undermine a client it nullifies your contract and you can be fired."

I watch as Brian paces the length of the loft and gulps the beam and I realize him calling when I was thinking of telling him wasn't a sign that I should tell him(,) it was a sign that I shouldn't. That he can't handle the knowledge on top of everything else. So I swallow hard and make a silent promise to myself to keep it a secret as long as I can.

After my little internal pep talk, I get up and go to Brian. First I take the beam from him, he doesn't even put up a fight and then I lead him to the bedroom.

Once again I undress him and put him into bed. I pull the duvet over him and climb on top of it and curl my arms around his body, offering comfort. A couple seconds later, I feel him shaking and realize he is crying. 

I know why he is crying, his job is important to him not only because he enjoys it and is good at it, but also because it is what makes him better than his father. He never had to have a manual job like his father. 

And all the times that his father said he'd never amount to anything as a kid, his job was his way of proving him wrong. So this will throw Brian for a bit but I know he will get over it quickly and come out fighting, better and stronger because they messed with him.

I hold him until he stops crying but I know I have to leave if I'm going to get to work.

"You have to go now."

It wasn't a question, Brian knows my schedule and he knows I have to go.

"Yes."

"Why did you come here when I called?"

"Because I wanted to see you."

"Liar."

That's all he says before he rolls away and dismisses me and I know he knew I had come here to tell him my secret. And I also know that he realized I had no plans on telling him any longer. I just walk out wishing things were different and that I could tell him.

A Couple of Hours Later

Brian's POV

I wake up and immediately grab my stash and bring it down the stairs to the couch. I just want to be so high I forget right now. I want to forget that I don't have a job, so I can't pay for things for Gus or Justin's school. Or help with Deb's bills or Mikey's bills either. I can't send business Emmett's way because I won't have the same contacts and I won't need Ted to be my accountant. 

'I am letting everyone down.'

Someone just walked into my loft. Oh great, Debbie.

_"Hello?"_

Don't worry Deb, just walk right in.

_"Tuna and macaroni, it was you favorite when you were a kid."_

Yuck, that's gross.

_"No it wasn't."_

_"Don't argue with me, you fucking loved it."_

Great, I don't even get to say what I like to eat. That's real nice, is there anything I can actually do right? I manage to fuck up everything and hurt everybody.

_"Heard you lost your job."_

What a surprise, I'm sure the whole gay grape vine knows it by now. The great one has fallen, you can all laugh.

_"I was escorted out of my office and off the premises by a security guard without so much as a ball point pen."_

Fucking pricks. I still can't believe that. What is Vance going to do when he realizes that I'm the one who made all the money? 

Well I know what he'll do, he'll ask me to come back. The question is, will I go back and how long until that happens.

_"That I'd like to have seen."_

Why am I not surprised Deb. When you can't be the one kicking me down, you sure as hell love to see others do it. You're supposed to be my mother, why can't you just give me a break every once in awhile? Why does it always have to be evil Brian, it's all Brian's fault.

_"Why, so you could tell me I had it coming?"_

Please say no. Say that you would never have done a thing like that when I was already being kicked into the ground.

_"Damn right you did. What you and Sunshine were up to, was treacherous and deceitful and I've never been so fucking proud of you in my life."_

'What the fuck? Did she just say what I think she said?'

I look into her face and realize that's exactly how she looks, proud. She's proud of me because I went against Stockwell like I did. She might not approve of the methods that I did it with, but she is proud that I did it, none the less.

_"Thanks Mom."_

Really, what else is there to say" I mean I begged her, albeit silently, but I did beg her to act like my mother and she did. She is proud of her son.

I take another toke on my joint and see her staring at it hungrily. I know she wants some but she has this image that she likes to uphold and that stops her from smoking pot.

_"Can you still buy a lid?"_

A lid? What is this, nineteen-eighty?

_"No, unless you have a time machine."_

After finishing my sentence, I offer her the joint and she shakes her head.

_"No. I haven't smoke since James Taylor had hair."_

I hear the longing in her voice as I take another toke and I inwardly smile because I know I'm about to be smoking pot with Deb. I'm not sure why this is making me want to smile, all I know is that it is. And that I can't wait until we're both high as hell.

_"Recall the thrilling days of yesteryear."_

I once again attempt to pass her the joint but she once again passes it up. Strike two, but I know she will be smoking soon, I can tell how much she wants to.

_"I've got to go home and do the laundry. Oh god, one whiff of that and I'm back at Woodstock, getting laid by three guys named Julio. Tell anyone and you're a fucking dead man."_

As she says the last sentence, she snatches the joint from my hand and leaves me shuddering over the rest of her little tirade. That was some stuff that I definitely did not need to know but thankfully did not picture it when she said it.

_"Your secret's safe with me, Senorita."_

_"This shit's strong."_

No shit, only the best for Brian Kinney I thought you had figured that out by now Deb. Of course, I might not be able to afford the best much longer, but as for right now, nothing I have or own is nothing less than the best.

_"Well for eighty dollars an eighth of chronic. It had better be."_

_"I won't even pretend to understand what that meant."_

God, she is already high. Here comes the fun part, she will either giggle uncontrollably or get all philosophical on me. I hope she goes for funny because I'm not sure how much of Debbie's truth I can take right now.

Of course with the way my luck is going, she could start to cry about something. Shit, I'd be fucked then. I can't deal with that shit on a normal day. Today her tears would be like a dagger to my heart.

_"You know you really scared me Brian. I thought, well this time you've gone too far, sold your soul for money and power. I know how important those things are to you. And I understand where it comes from. But each time you'd reach the precipice and were about to step head long into oblivion, you always manage to pull back. Why is that?"_

Shit philosophical, well at least it isn't tears and I have to admit, only to myself of course, that I know where she is coming from. I see her point but I would never tell her that.

_"The winter sale at Prada?"_

_"I believe it's your innate goodness. Don't laugh when I'm being profound. It's like one of those , Socrates or Plato, whatever one of them wrote about each one of us is born with a sense of right and wrong and we all know and you're no different. Shit, this thing's gone out."_

Like she needs anymore. She's high as hell already.

_"It's just as well. Any more and you'd probably be taking off your bra and singing White Rabbit."_

_"Oh God, I love The Airplane. I live for Grace Slick. Oh now, we got Britney Spears, tell me the world isn't going to shit."_

Well you're right, it is and we are standing in the middle of the pile.

_"The world is going to shit."_

_"Yeah, I could have told you that. So lay off the bad boy routine cause your too old for it and it isn't true."_

God mom, you say what you want to when you want to. Don't you?

_"Anything else?"_

_"Yeah. You got a bag of chips?"_

Justin's POV

The Next Night

_"There's always unemployment. I suppose you could write your memoirs. There seems to end and endless fascination among the masses in reveling in the down fall of the once mighty."_

I know this is stupid advice but I have to say something to him, he seems so lost.

_"Thanks for the career tips but I think I'll just go to Babylon and fuck my brains out."_

Oh more bad news, baby.

_"Think again. The backroom's closed."_

_"The hell, if we're going to stand around bare assed in the back of an 18 wheeler when it's twelve degrees."_

I need to say something to him to start the fire under him again. The only way he is going to get over getting fired is if he concentrates on something else, something important.

_"I could always make my mother's meatloaf honey and we could look at photos from when we took the kids to Disney World."_

I know these words will bring anger to him, anger at anyone who tries to make him into what he sees as hetero.

_"I have a better idea."_

The next thing I know, we're in Babylon and standing in front of the locked door of the backroom and Brian's holding a sledgehammer. He passes it to me and I hold it while he takes off his leather jacket.

When he has the jacket off, we switch items and he takes a practice swing at the lock. As soon as he pulls back from the practice swing(,) he swings again, this time hitting and breaking the lock.

After the lock is broken he comes back to me and grabs me, pulling me toward the backroom while shouting.

_"The backroom is reopened boys."_  

AN: This story is a plot bunny and there is a certain point in that plot bunny where Brian finds out about Justin's pregnancy but I can't help or change when that time is so please be patient with me. I promise it is coming up.


	12. A Secret...Revealed

Thanks to my beta Lois and Eka/muffin_donat2007 for the banner

AN: This chapter is dedicated to the great Laina. This is for you girl so no more nagging. LOL. Also I promise after this I will try not to write such long chapters because…well I'm sick of writing them so I'm sure you're sick of reading them. Later

Brian's POV

I can't believe the fucking backroom is closed again, I just don't have the strength left in me to deal with it. I have tried to fight injustice but I think it may have kicked my ass.

_"So you're just gonna take it lying down?"_

Please Justin, just leave it alone. I can't do it anymore. I'm too tired.

_"That's generally how it's done."_

I know that was a dumb thing to say but give me a break here, I tried didn't I?

_"I thought you wanted to get even."_

God do I ever, I just don't have it in me right now. It's not like you're ever around to support me any more because of your secret.

_"I just want to get laid."_

Two Mornings Later

_"Must have been quite an elegant affair."_

Ok Justin, I know you're pissed; just please get off my back.

_"Long nights journey into day. You should have been there."_

Like you'd want to be here, it might mess up your little secret. God forbid I should know whatever this huge thing about you is.

_"Yeah, I was helping Daphne study for midterms."_

Fuck you. Don't fucking lie to me, just admit you were avoiding me. Shit, I think everyone has gotten that by now.

_"Twenty of Pittsburgh's hottest, horniest hunks, and Debbie…"_

God, she has so much balls and that was embarrassing as hell.

_"I know how much she wants to be a gay man, but is it wise to encourage her?"_

Smartass little fucker. I can't help but inwardly laugh and even though he is upset with me I know that was his intention, to lighten me up.

_"She couldn't wait to tell me the news. It seems the littlest hustler knew dumpster boy, saw him picking up a cop the night he was murdered."_

God, that was horrible to learn and I'm sure it means some bad shit. I should…No Kinney, you're no getting anymore involved, you have lost so much already.

_"Oh shit!"_

_"Yeah, for some reason, she thought I would be interested."_

And I just can't be. I can't be.

_"Aren't you?"_

God, just lay off. Ok?

_"I already told you.."_

_"Right, you want to have fun, fun, fun, till your daddy takes your freedom away. In case you haven't noticed, he already has. But, you're content with turning your place into the next backroom. Go ahead, only how are you going to keep the cleaning lady?"_

Shit, I just hate it when the little shit is right and he almost always fucking is and that is so irritating. I know I need to do something and I know it needs to be soon, but I really don't know what and I can't deal with all this shit.

But I will do something. I will stop this shit because I can't let it go on. Not in my community. Fuck, did I really just say that shit? I am so killing either Deb or Justin before the end of this shit.

Justin's POV

It's my first doctor's appointment today and as I sit in the small waiting room staring around at the other occupants, I am getting more and more scared at what I might learn here. I don't know why but just being here makes me afraid that there might be something wrong with the baby. I know that isn't the reason I am here but I still worry about it.

I am also worried about Brian and what he will learn at the police station today. I guess to explain that, I have to tell you what we found out. It seems the hustler that Michael and Ben took in actually knew Jason Kemp and knew that he went with a guy who happened to be a cop the night he was killed. 

This news sent our whole 'family' into an uproar and Brian is down there right now trying to see if the cops can do anything with this information.

"Justin Taylor?"

I am broken out of my thoughts by my name being called and I'm again terrified for the life growing inside me. I stand up and walk with the nurse and she shows me into this little room and leaves me to get undressed and tells me the doctor will be right in.

I do as I'm told and get into one of those embarrassing gowns that make your ass hang out. Who designed these should be shot, repeatedly. Then I sit on that hard bed thingy and watch the clock as it ticks by and that 'right in' becomes five, ten, and then fifteen minutes. Finally the doctor walks in and introduces herself.

"Hi, I'm Doctor Spaulding. Laina Spaulding. You're Justin Taylor?"

"Yes hi, call me Justin."

"Great, now why are here today?"

"I took a home test and it said I was pregnant."

"Oh, so you want to make sure it's right and if it is, see how everything is going?"

"Yes."

"Ok, I'm gonna take some blood and then we're gonna have you lay down so we can get a look inside."

"Ok"

A slight needle prick later, I was laying on my back while Dr. Spaulding spread a cold lube like substance on my still flat stomach. Then she is applying a tool to my stomach as well, rubbing it all around.

"Oh."

"Oh? Why'd you say oh? Is the something wrong? Please, oh God, tell me nothing's wrong."

"Calm down Justin. I said that because we will not be needing a pregnancy test with that blood we took."

"Why, am I not pregnant?"

"No Justin, just the opposite. You're far enough along where I can see the baby on the ultrasound."

"Really, can I see?"

"Sure Justin, look right there. Do you see it?"

"No, where is it? I can't see my baby. Where is it?"

"Justin calm down, getting this worked up isn't good for you or the baby. Now look, you see that solid white spot right there?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's your child."

"Oh wow. So how far along do you think I am doc?"

"I'd say you're exactly six weeks." 

I know that date and I feel tears start streaming down my face. I know that the doctor is getting concerned but the truth is that I can't stop them and I don't have the will to even if I tried. Six weeks, that's exactly how long Brian and I have been back together.

I remember the night we got back together and the wild frenzied sex because we needed to reacquaint ourselves with each other's body. I remember every second of that night; it was so special to me and now I think it was even more special, now I think we made a baby that night.

That Night

Brian's POV

I am staring out the window in the loft and worrying about what I can do next because my last two plans failed. First, when I went to Horvath and second, when we tried to track down the cop and although Justin is willing to try again, I'm not willing to let him. I just can't bring myself to let him get into a situation that could prove to be dangerous so I'll have to come up with something else.

So Justin is trying to seduce my worries away and we move to the sofa and to tell the truth, Justin's playing is getting me really hott in a completely strange way and I can't wait to get inside of him. I'm thinking about plowing his tight ass for the third time tonight, when I run my hands down his chest and onto his stomach. I pause, hands resting on his middle, because I feel something weird.

Right when I'm about to ask him about it, there is a banging on the door. 'Who the fuck is it at this time of night?' I look at Justin for a minute before I go to open the door hoping that whoever it is, it isn't as bad as last time I opened the door to someone when Justin and I were about to have sex.

What the fuck, it's Hunter.

_"What do you want? Besides that…"_

Fucking kid is always trying to get in my pants but to show up this late at my home…I'm gonna kill him.

_"I brought you this."_

Yuck! Is that what I think it is?

_"That's very thoughtful of you. Did you make it yourself?"_

_"It's the cop's!"_

Ok, I know that the kid isn't the brightest bulb but please someone, anyone(,) tell me he did not fuck that murdering cop.

_"You fucked the cop?"_

_"You said you needed DNA."_

Oh God, this kid is stupid and Mikey's going to kill me for this.

_"A cigarette butt would have sufficed."_

You dumbass kid. What if he had killed you too?

_"He doesn't smoke. I told you I'd do anything."_

Does he really think that by doing something this stupid he will get into my bed? God(,) he needs some help.

_"I gotta hand it to you kid. You got a lot of…spunk."_

And again, may I say gross.

_"Holy shit! It's like the movies!"_

I love the effect my loft has on people. Justin's was exceptionally funny.

_"Uh, I don't recall a scene like this in any film nominated for best picture."_

_"I also found out his name."_

Oh please have his name, that would be a God send.

_"Kenneth Rikert."_

I look at the TV Guide he hands me like it's the Holy Grail and I know that it can be. Between the two pieces of evidence he gave me tonight, there is no way they can ignore it now.

_"I lifted it from the garbage when he wasn't looking."_

God, how can a kid be so smart and so dumb at the same time.

_"What do you know, they canceled_ _Gay As Blazes_ _."_

I have to play this off so he doesn't see how impressed I am, because I don't want him to think what he did was right or even ok.

_"So how about expressing your appreciation…"_

Gross again.

_"Oh, he already has, 3 times with me."_

_"What do you bother with that for? How much is he charging?"_

Oh, I can't believe that he really thinks that Justin's a hustler. Although I do have to admit Justin makes a hott one.

_"A hundred?"_

This game would be a lot more fun if we could get rid of the punk and then our clothes. Ok, got to get rid of the littlest hustler fast. Although I'll have to take his ass home to Mikey and the professor.

_"Mm, but he refuses to pay though."_

Hah. Shut up Justin, I swear to God you're a twat sometimes. 

_"I don't blame him. I wouldn't pay you 10 bucks…"_

Ouch, but so untrue. Justin could make a killing at selling that perfect body. Ummm. The littlest hustler has to go so I can ravish Justin.

_  
"OKAY! I think it's time someone was tucked into bed."_

_"Mmhm."_

No, not what you're thinking you perv.

_"And not mine."_

Twenty Minutes Later - The Novotny-Bruckner Residence

_"You fucked a murderer?"_

Well that was what was just said, wasn't it? God Mikey, why don't you question the obvious?

_"What's the big deal? I used a condom."_

Great thing to focus on, smartass.

_"Well, your safe sex lecture paid off."_

_"Shut the fuck up!"_

Oh Mikey's mad and what a surprise, I can tell he somehow blames this on me.

_"Let's try to stay calm."_

Got to love the mediator. If there's a fence, Ben can find a way to straddle it. In some situations I have to admire that about him but sometimes I really just want to tell the man to grow some balls. 

'Just pick a side!'

_"Yes, the professor is right."_

Well, I can still use it to my advantage, right?

_"What do you know about it? You're the one who put him up to this!"_

Shit see, what did I tell you. Somehow this shit's my fault too.

_"He didn't put me up to shit, I was trying to help!"_

God, I'm getting defended by a kid I barely know, against who is supposed to be my best friend. 

_"You were trying to impress Brian."_

Umm? And this is something new?

_"Yeah, well, he wouldn't be the first one…"_

Would he, Mikey?

_"Well, he already has a boyfriend!"_

Oh, low blow Mikey. Are you trying to hurt me or the kid? Or both?

_"You do?"_

Shit, I owe him an answer. I don't know why I do but I do. And the truth, because I owe that to Justin.

_"In a non-defined, non-conventional way, yeah."_

_"Let's not to lose focus here, you need to understand that what you did was extremely dangerous!"_

Yay! Ben got the focus off of me. I really like that guy sometimes.

_"This guy could have killed you!"_

Yeah, cause that never crossed his mind before. What would he ever do without your guidance?

_"They all could!"_

_Good point. Score one for the young annoying one._

_"Well, if you know that, why do you do it?"_

Oh, what kind of dumbass question is that?

_"I have low self-esteem! I was sexualized at too early an age! It's exciting, fun, and a great way to make non-reportable income."_

Another nice score.

_"I would like an honest answer, smart-ass."_

Opps.

  
_"He just gave you one!"_

The Next Day

Justin's POV

Brian and I are walking down the street discussing a course of action for dealing with PIFA. I don't see how I could even consider apologizing and that's what I plan to tell them.

_"They want me to appear in front of the disciplinary committee and apologize, like I did something wrong."_

_"Well didn't you?"_

_"Are you saying you agree with them?"_

_"If someone had told me what you were up to, I would have fired your ass, if I didn't have my dick inside it."_

Fuck Brian. What must I do to get him to give a straight answer? So basically he believes in what I did but can see their point of view.

_"But I'm not sorry, for anything."_

_"I'm not saying you should be sorry, I'm just saying you should apologize."_

_"Just give in to them, roll over?"_

_"Well, do you want to finish your education and get a degree, get a good job and be rich?"_

_"I don't care about money"_

_"Okay. Do you want to have the freedom to create whatever you want without having to answer to anyone?"_

_"Who doesn't?"_

_"Well then, you care about the money so you should go apologize. Not for them, for you."_

_That Afternoon-PIFA_

I can't believe I'm taking Brian's advice but, fuck I hate it when he's right. Shit, he was all logical and shit and I didn't have an argument for that. He was right and I was wrong. PIFA did deserve an apology. Not me saying I'm sorry I did what I did. But that I'm sorry that it reflected poorly on them.

_"Having sexual relations with a partner in the firm. Using agencies resources to produce subversive materials in order to undermine a valued client. Mr. Vance was livid. Livid. And if this is true, I don't blame him. Well, is it?"_

Umm, how do I answer that, professor?

_"I suppose it depends on how one perceives the situation."_

_"And uh, how to you perceive it?"_

Umm. Are you sure you want to hear this?

_"Mr. Kinney and I had personal relations prior to my internship at Vanguard, so it's not as if I was fucking the boss. As for producing subversive materials, I made some posters based on my political beliefs."_

I knew you didn't want to know.

_"I'm not interested in your political beliefs or your sexual relations. I'm interested in the reputation of this school. Your behavior has jeopardized the entire internship program."_

_"If it's any consolation, I was doing a kick ass job."_

_"You will therefore, appear before the disciplinary committee to apologize for your actions."_

_"You want me to apologize?"_

_"If you care to remain a student at this institute."_

I walk out of his office and I find it hard to breathe. I know there was no other choice for me to take but to turn him down, but oh God, I won't be able to go to school anymore. Truthfully I would have had no problem apologizing to the school and Vance, because I could see their sides of it but I would rather be burned alive than apologize to Stockwell, that pig.

God, I don't know how I'm going to tell anyone this, much less Brian. He was so proud of everything I do in school, my art is one of the things he is most honest about and now I won't be going back there.

God, I'm not going to finish college and I'm going to have a kid. Shit, I have to figure out how to start making more money and quick. This kid has one unemployed father and one waiter. That's just great. Something has to be done and done soon, but what.

The Same Time Across Town

Brian's POV

I'm walking out of the diner in a daze. I am so surprised, although I'm not sure why I am. The cops have DNA and an ID and they still won't go after that murdering bastard. They are just protecting their own and who gives a shit about anyone else.

God, at every corner I run into another road block and each one seems to be bigger than the last but I will figure this out. I will take down these men and take back Liberty Avenue…I just don't know how yet.

As I am heading to the Jeep, I hear my cell ring and I'm so lost in thought I pick it up without looking at the caller ID and I get a big shock. On the other line is none other than Stockwell himself. He asks me to come to his office and I agree, curious as to what he wants and hoping he will inadvertently give me something to use against him.

_"Thanks for stopping by."_

_"Anytime Jim. So what can I do for you?"_

Besides fuck you over again, cause you really don't have to ask me to do that, cause I already plan to.

_"I was thinking more of what I could do for you."_

Oh, got you running scared, do I Jim?

_"Even better."_

_"I'm sure you've been following the campaign."_

Why the fuck do you think I would be doing that? Could it be because you getting elected is a bad thing for me and every single person that I know?

_"No, actually I've been so busy shopping and blow drying my hair."_

Come on Jim, isn't that what you think all queers do all day? God, it must really irk you that you were going to win on the talent of a queer and now you're going to lose on that same talent.

_"They're predicting this time next week I'll be the new mayor of Pittsburgh."_

Oh, that might be the public polls but we both know it really is a hell of a lot closer than that, because otherwise, I wouldn't be here now, would I?

_"Well what do you know; you did it."_

_"Thanks in no small part to you. Have a seat."_

God, don't remind me. I know that I fucked up but I don't need you, of all people, throwing it in my face.

_"I'll stand."_

_"I asked to see you because I wanted to say how much I regret what happened."_

Bullshit. Can we all say bullshit? That's such shit, you only called me here cause you know I can destroy you.

_"That's very classy of you."_

_"And that perhaps I acted in haste, misjudged the situation."_

No, you judged it right. I was fucking you over because you are a scumbag and you were attacking everything that I hold dear and just plainly my life.

_"No apologies. No regrets."_

As much as I have lost and could continue to lose, I don't regret taking you on. Although I'm not really all that happy with myself, that it took that long for me to do it.

_"We made a great team. You did me a great service."_

_"Are you offering me my job back?"_

_"I'm offering you a future. There's a lot I can do, even more than before."_

No, you can't you are about to lose everything even if you don't know it yet. I'll make sure of that.

_"How's that?"_

_"You always wanted my backers for your client list. I can still deliver them. And now you can keep them all to yourself."_

I'm walking out of Stockwell's office after turning his offer down flat. He may have offered me what I always thought I wanted but nothing I needed, and I would lose so much more. I'm so proud of myself for not taking it even though it would make everything easier, monetarily.

That Night-Woody's

I call Justin to meet me at Woody's because I have some bad news and I figure it would be easier to tell him there, because then once I have told him, we can drown our sorrows. I can't believe just this afternoon I turned down Stockwell's offer, sure I was going to be able to crush him, but now I have no idea how and I'm starting to doubt my decision.

Oh I feel him. Justin just walked in and when I turn my head to look at him, my doubts disappear even though I might not be able to stop Stockwell now. Justin sits down next to me wearily with a 'What?' expression on his face and I know he realizes that whatever I have to tell him isn't good. Not that I'm surprised; he could almost always read me like no one else ever could.

So I do just that, I tell him that Carl had called and told me Rikert was dead. He killed himself and Carl had found him when he went to question him. No murderer, no case against anyone.

_"So the guy's dead. That only proves that he did it. I mean, that's why he killed himself. To avoid disgrace and to protect Stockwell, who I suspect he secretly loved."_

Oh, you are missing the point and why does everything come down to love with you?

_"Leave it to a queen to turn anything into a drama."_

_"What else could it be?"_

Fuck, that's a great question. One I would love the answer to myself.

_"We'll never know, he'll never tell."_

_"So it's over?"_

Yes baby, we did the best we could but it was to little too late thanks to me.

_"Yeah, it's over!"_

_"No, it's not…"_

_"This time next week Stockwell will be mayor, and I'll be collecting unemployment."_

Which won't pay the bills for the loft, much less anything or anyone else. God, I have failed on a massive scale.

_"Well, I will be on the street. Pedaling my ass, or my art. Whichever makes more money."_

Drama queen.

_"Well, don't spend too much on framing."_

_"They suspended me. Oh, don't look so disappointed. You won't have to pay for my education anymore."_

What the fuck? How'd that shit go wrong too.

_"I thought you were going to apologize."_

Shit, I thought I told you specifically to apologize.

_"I did apologize. But then they wanted me to apologize to him, and I couldn't, I couldn't say 'I'm sorry' to someone who would rather see me dead...all of us dead! Than be part of his family friendly world."_

God, how did I ever get a guy this great? I don't know what he sees in me but I hope to God I never lose him.

_"So you sacrificed everything?"_

_"Sometimes you have to for what you believe in."_

He's right and we both know it. How did he get to be so smart at his age? I know that no matter what, I need to do something to clean up this mess, the question is what? 

We stay here like this, both of us staring into our glasses when suddenly Justin leaves to go to the bathroom and as I watch him go, I try to take a sip of my beer only to find it empty. I look up towards the bartender to get a refill and I notice that he is running around trying to fill a bunch of other orders.

Rather than wait, I grab Justin's glass and take a slug off that and I immediately spit it back out. 'Gross, why the fuck is Justin drinking ginger beer?' I'm still staring at the glass which I have in front of me when I notice Justin come out of the bathroom and is looking at me with a shaded expression on his face.

"Justin, what is going on?"

"Nothing. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Why the fuck are you drinking this crap?"

"Cause I want to that's why. Why the fuck do you care what I'm drinking anyway."

I stare at him incredulously because I just don't get what's going on anymore. It's like everything about him is this big fucking secret and I don't rate enough to know what it's about. I can't deal with this shit too. So I get up and walk away from him, not even bothering to say another word.

The Next Morning

Justin's POV

Brian and I are walking down Liberty Avenue and every couple seconds I sneak a look at him and think back to last night. When he walked out of Woody's without even a later, I knew I had gone too far, been too harsh in trying to keep the baby from him. With this knowledge I quickly raced after him and apologized.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to snap."

"Sorry's bullshit."

He gets in the Jeep after saying this and I think that maybe I have lost but he waits for me and I climb in next to him. We're on the road for a few minutes before he speaks again.

"You didn't answer my question."

"What?"

"Why are you drinking ginger beer?"

"I'm drinking it cause I want to Brian. That's it."

As I say this I put my hand on his leg, hating that I continually have to lie to him. For a few minutes he is silent and then he looks down at my hand which is still on his leg and he whispers to me.

"You're still lying to me."

Hearing his soft words, my eyes fill with tears and my heart clenches in pain. I don't know what to do because I can't tell him and I can't lie to him about this because he knows me better than that. So I lean closer and put my head in the crook of his neck and answer his statement.

"I'm sorry."

"So am I."

I break out of the memory that is making my soul cry deeply when I feel Brian tense and I look up and we are finally at the heart of Liberty Avenue but you wouldn't know that. No one is touching, goofing off, or any of the normal things you can always see happening on this street. And then I see the reason; the entire street is lined with cops, not doing anything, just glaring at people.

_"This used to be such a magical kingdom, full of sprits and fairies."_

_"Now it's like watching the Wizard of Oz in reverse."_

We stop practically in front of a couple cops and I know we are going to be doing our best to piss them off.

_"Cops in the streets, cops in the bars, cops in the clubs. It's fucking depressing!"_

_"Unless you're into cops."_

_"What are you two doing?"_

Oops. Mommy caught us. We're going to be bitched at now.

_"What does it look like we're doing? We're COPulating."_

Ok Justin, no laughing no matter how funny that was.

_"This is no laughing matter, come on!"_

You're right Deb but if we don't laugh, we might cry at what has become of our world.

_"The street's a shadow of its former self. Stop Stockwell!"_

I listen to Vic shouting out as he hands out flyers and I know that I'll be helping do that the rest of the day. Just as I decide this, I hear the response to Vic's shouting.

_"I think he's hot"_

_"I'd do him any day."_

_"Jesus, what do you have to do to get through these guys? Shove a piece of dynamite up their collective ass? Holler bloody murder!"_

That sounds like a great idea.

_"That's what we've been trying to do. Stop Stockwell!"_

I say as I grab flyers and start handing them out as well.

_"Want to lend a hand?"_

I hear Deb ask Brian and he takes some flyers before answering.

_"It's going to take more than that."_

I watch him walk away knowing he has a plan but also knowing that he won't share it with me.

The Next Afternoon-The Loft

Brian's POV

I watch as Justin comes in and looks around. My commercials have gone over extremely well but when I couldn't get Deekins to back me, I had to put up all the money myself and although I 'm proud of what I have accomplished, I didn't share that it was me with anyone, but now I know Justin is going to know. It's so hard to hide anything from him and I really need his comfort right now anyway.

_"Brian? Why are…Why are you getting rid of your naked guy painting, and your Italian leather sofa and your Mies Van Der Rohe table?"_

_"I thought I'd redecorate, something minimal. Something to match my current net worth."_

_"Well, I told you now isn't the best time…oh, the TV too?"_

_"Mm, good thing it was liquid."_

_"Brian, if you're in trouble, I'm sure I could loan you.."_

God I love this kid because not only does he thinks he can actually help but also because I know he would give me his last dime any day or night.

_"A hundred thousand dollars?"_

_"How much?"_

Wow, that look of surprise was priceless.

_"The cost of twenty 30-second prime time spots at five thou a pop."_

_"You said that was paid for by the.."_

_"Meet the_ _Concerned Citizens for the Truth_."

_"You?"_

Well, don't act so incredulous. I can be magnanimous too. Even though I might hide it well. You know that.

_"Well who the hell else was going to pay for it? I maxed out five gold cards."_

_"These Concerned Citizens really are lunatics…"_

_"I think I'm experiencing possession withdrawal, I need to lie down."_

What I really need is for him to hold me but we all know I'm not going to say that. Don't we?

_"Good thing you didn't sell your bed."_

My bed? Sell my bed? Hell no, that was the first place we ever fucked, the first place you ever fell asleep in my arms, hell the first place we made love.

_"I'd rather sell a kidney!"_

_"I can't believe you did this, it's so…"_

_"Noble?"_

_"Out of character. What made you do it?"_

_"Some asshole told me that if you believe in something strongly enough, you have to be willing to sacrifice everything."_

I know by my words it sounds like I blame him but we both know that's not true. I praise him for it because no matter what it might have cost me, it has given me so much more.

The Next Night-Woody's-Election Day

Justin's POV

We are standing in Woody's waiting for the results for the election to come in and everybody in this place is vibrating they're so nervous. We all know that one outcome could put our lives back to the way they were and the other could destroy us all.

Brian went to get beer a while ago and when he came back, it was with ginger beer for me. There was no discussion about it, he just did it. He seems to have accepted that is what I'm going to drink but my secret is wearing on us so much. We hardly talk anymore and I had asked him why last night while he was laying in my arms and he said it was because he was sick of hearing me lie. 

Those words, while true, were like a dagger to my heart. I know I will have to tell him soon or leave him altogether and both options scared the shit out of me. I turn back to the TV when they have the final count in and I'm praying with everything in me, as I'm sure everyone else in here is doing, that Stockwell loses.

Just then, before the announcer even finishes his statement, Woody's erupts in screaming and cheers. Stockwell has lost and we are once again free to be ourselves. Deb sends up a cry and the entire contents of Woody's flows into the streets to do as she said and dance in the streets.

Brian and I stand on the steps together watching the merriment and thanking every deity known to man for the reprieve. Then I know Brian is happy because he is playing, pretending to use his rage mind control powers to get me to fuck him, as if he needs to. 

We are standing there kissing deeply when Michael runs up to us and spills out the latest in the 'littlest hustler' drama. And I stand there in shock when Brian gives Michael the keys to this vet. 

"Jesus Christ Brian. Now you don't even have a car."

"Ah. Now I guess I've lost everything."

"Not everything…and you've gained something too."

As I say that, I put Brian's left hand over my stomach and it only takes a second and his eyes change in some undeniable way and I know he gets it. I know he knows I'm pregnant.

AN: In the words of the mother of all queers "Mourn the losses because they're many but celebrate the victories because they're few."


	13. Brian's Reaction

Thanks to Princess for Beta'ing Extra Wrning this chapter is angsty

 

Justin's POV

After I tell Brian I can't read his face at all. He tugs me to him and then weaves our way through the crowd. I don't know what's going on with him, but the feel of his hand on me is giving me a bad vibe. Not that I'm physically afraid of Brian, but I still do not have a good feeling about this.

We finally reach the Jeep and he pushes me lightly towards my door, while running around to get in his side. I hope this is a good thing, but the distance I feel coming from him tells me it's not a good thing, it's a very bad thing. By this time I have closed my door, Brian already has the Jeep running, and as soon as it closes he takes of with a squeal of rubber.

"Careful!. Fuck are you trying to kill us?"

I say when he whips around a corner, but all I get is a death glare in response. I decide to shut up then and just hang on and wonder if he really is trying to kill us. In less then half the time it usually takes to get us to the loft. We arrive and I practically fall out of the Jeep just to get out, thankful I'm alive. I feel like kissing the ground but somehow I refrain.

Brian comes around the Jeep and grabs my arm almost dragging me inside. He is not hurting me, but he is scaring me, I know Brian would never hurt me but I can't read this mood because I've never seen it before, ever. When we get into the elevator he drops my hand like touching my skin burns him and although I don't know what's going on yet, I feel tears come to my eyes that he can't bare to touch me.

What have I done, that the love of my life acts like I'm defied? Is he really acting this way because I'm pregnant with his child? Is this the fear of him becoming his father coming back? So many questions, but no answers.

I move away from him and lay my head on the side of the elevator and try to compose myself so I can meet this thing, whatever it is head on. As soon as the elevator stops, Brian throws up the door and grabs me again pulling me with him. He then unlocks and yanks the door open before pulling me in and slamming the door behind me.

He still hasn't said anything and I'm afraid to, so I just watch him from my spot beside the door where he left me. He is stomping all around the loft and snatching up things and putting them on the dinning room table. I have no idea what he is doing until I realize that everything that he has put on the table is mine.

I don't know what he is doing, but I have a pretty good idea and I feel my heart breaking. I'm going to lose Brian because of this baby, and for the first time I sincerely wish I wasn't pregnant. If I wasn't, I know I wouldn't have to worry about this reaction from Brian, and I wouldn't be so out of control like I feel right now.

"What are you doing?"

I know my voice is quivering when I ask this, but my whole world is collapsing and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what to say to save it. 

"Packing your shit. You could help you know."

I don't know what to say to that. My stuff is once again leaving the loft, well what little I have here, cause I still live over at Daphne's and I don't know how to process me leaving Brian again. I know that this time it's not my doing, but that is even scarier because before when I left I could apologize and say I was wrong, but Brian never apologizes so how will we fix this?

"Why?"

I know I sound incredibly stupid right now, but I can't help it. It's like I feel if I can make him explain himself, he will see what he is doing is so wrong. How can he kick me out of his life when I just told him I was having his baby? God, please, someone help, I can't deal with this, I just can't do this right now.

"Because it's your shit."

Oh my god, did he really just act that stupid? Fuck he sounded like Mikey. Of course I would never say that to him cause I'd like to keep my head thank you very much. And if I even uttered those words, he would chew it off and spit it back out.

"Don't be purposely obtuse. Why are you packing my things?"

Great, now he's looking at me like I'm the one being crazy, the fucking ass. I don't know what his problem is, but if he thinks he's going to deal with quiet little 'yes Brian' Justin, or crying Justin, he has another think coming. One good thing about this pregnancy is that, it is making me get angry easier, so I speak my mind more.

"Well, what exactly did you expect me to fucking do when you told me?"

Brian gets right up in my face to say this and his breath is hot on my face. (and) I can't do anything but look at him. I feel tears fighting to come out, but they're fighting with an emotion just as strong, anger. I am so mad at him for the way he is acting, that I can literally feel my skin grow hot.

 

"What did I expect? I expected you to act like a fucking human being, but I for-fucking-got who you were for a moment." 

I scream this in his face and I know that it's about to get ugly. I notice his body stiffen up even more than it has been since I told him, and I know the verbal blows have just started. I know that every sin we have ever committed against each other is about to come up, and a bunch of shit that's probably not even true, but it's going to go down and for the first time in out relationship, I don't plan on holding back. I'm going to let him have it with both barrels.

"Human? What the fuck do you know about acting human? At least I'm not a little cheating whore."

Oh I can't believe he called me a whore. Him? Isn't he like the definition of a whore? Actually I'm pretty sure there's a dictionary that under the word "whore," is his picture. Or maybe whore's too nice of a word, maybe the word that describes him better is slut.

"Whore? Oh that's rich. Did the biggest slut in Pittsburgh just call me a whore? Is there anyone in this city you haven't fucked?"

God I can't help saying that because I have thought about him running out of new people before. I mean, it's not like there's an endless supple of hot fags here. I wonder if he'll have to move at some point.

"Oh, so we're going back to my tricking?"

What the fuck? When were we at tricking? Fuck he's bringing old shit up. Fuck, well I am too, but oh I so hate him right now. I just don't know how to deal with this queen out he's having, while I'm already all emotionally unstable.

"Going back to your tricking? Do you even know why you still trick? Even though we're together?"

God I can't believe I said that because I know he will rip it apart, but I can't help it. I have cried myself to sleep many times asking the very same thing. I would love to never be with anyone but him. I would love it, but I think I will die before it happens.

"We're not together, but if we were, I have to say, you must not be that good in bed."

Oh hell no he didn't. I know I'm the best he's ever had, he's told me. Well maybe screamed it at the top of his lungs while orgasming, but it doesn't make it any less the truth because I've also seen him with hundreds of other men, and he doesn't react to them, even close to how he is with me.

"Oh you want to use that because we could say, and hell a lot of people did say, that the reason I left you for Ethan was because he was better in bed."

As soon as these words are out, I know I have a direct hit when his face gets red, and the veins on his forehead pop out. He wanted to hurt me, so I gave it back. I know Brian's sexual prowess is a big thing for him, so it hurt a lot, well his ego at least.

"Fuck you. You know that's not true."

"And you know that I'm the best fuck you've ever had. Tell me I'm lying. Go on."

"What the fuck ever."

"Fuck, you're too much of a coward to even say that."

"I'm not a fucking coward. Where the fuck do you get off calling me a coward? You little shit."

"Because it's fucking true. You love me, but you're not man enough to admit it. That makes you a fucking coward in my eyes. And don't make me even go into your precious little reputation."

"First of all, I don't know what fucking drugs you're on, but they must be good if I have to tell you again that I...DO...NOT…FUCKING…LOVE YOU! Love doesn't exist, I thought you would have learned that with the fucking chin ratted fiddler."

"No. You know what I learned with him?"

"No, fucking enlighten me!"

"I learned that you act like a nineteen year old, if that, and your maturity level rivals that of your son."

"Fuck you! That shit was all about you wanting a fucking hallmark, that doesn't exist outside of shitty movies."

"No, that was about you having to keep a reputation that means nothing to anyone but you."

"I'm the best fuck in Pittsburgh, and let me assure you, that means something to a lot of men every night."

"Right. Aren't you running out of guys you haven't fucked yet?"

"I haven't fucked your baby's daddy."

"Only cause you can't figure out how to do it."

I have no idea why the fuck he said that, but I came up with the best I could do under the circumstances. He is fucking off his rocker if he thinks I'm going to let him talk to me that way.

"Oh you think he wouldn't fuck me? Please, I could have him begging for it in a second, but I wouldn't put my dick anywhere near him."

I'm even more confused now, but then it dawns on me, he thinks the baby isn't his. I try to calm down to correct him rationally, but before I can he speaks again.

"Oh, nothing to say to that huh? Well that's because you know I'm right don't you? That's why you broke up, because you found out he was a great big whore just like you."

"What are you trying to say Brian?" I cross my arms over my chest. "Me and Ethan's break up has NOTHING to do with this. Why do you keep bringing it up? Are you trying to say that the baby is Ethan's and not yours?"

"Fuck you. Don't you dare try to fucking lie to me and tell me this is my baby. You let Ethan inside of you bare because oh what? Did he tell you he loved you and that it would prove your love for him? I never did that and I never would, with you."

His words are like daggers to my heart, and I feel dizzy from the pain he just inflicted. I turn around to grip the island to keep from falling over, and I see his favorite crystal decanter set, surprisingly devoid of its normal drink, Jim Beam, sitting in font of me. Not quite sure what I'm doing, I pick up a glass from the set, and sort of stare at it.

"Oh that's good for your baby Justin. Why don't you fucking drink up, after you leave."

I don't even know if I'm going to do it, until I see the glass sailing across the room aimed directly at Brian's head, but I knew I'm the one who threw it. Brian ducks out of the way, right before the glass would have hit him and I can see he is angrier.

"What the fu…"

I don't want to hear his voice again, so I send the heavy crystal decanter sailing right behind the glass as my good bye, and I give my parting shot.

"You don't have to worry about the health of 'my' baby Brian, cause you won't ever see it, or me again."

With these words I rip the loft door open, almost fall when it slams open, but I hold myself up. As I'm about to slam the door shut, I hear his voice again, snarling at me.

"You had better fucking take your shit or it's trash."

"Fucking trash it then."

I scream back as I slam the door and start running down the stairs because I can't make myself wait for the elevator. About half way down the stairs I feel all the blood rush to my head and I feel dizzy. I try to grab onto the banister but it's too late. I feel myself tumbling down the last half of the stairs, and I cry out loudly as I land on the floor at the bottom, stomach first.

There seems to be pain radiating from every part of my body, but the pain coming from my stomach is crippling. I try to move my body and scream out once again in pain. I lay back, realizing I can't move and then I hear pounding footsteps.

I feel hands touch me and immediately I know that it's Brian. All thoughts of the fight are gone from his eyes when I look. He just looks scared as hell.

"Are you alright?"

No, but I think this may just clear up my problems. Cause I have to tell you, I have never felt pain even remotely like this, and I got hit in the head with a fucking baseball bat. Ok, maybe my migraines do compare, but God this is so bad. 

"Umm, no I hurt so bad."

I curl into a ball in Brian's arms, as he holds me gently. I can hear him talking to 911 for a few seconds, minutes; I don't know, it feels like months because of the pain, before he talks to me again.

"The baby?"

The baby, I know he doesn't care, he is just asking because of the information he has to give to the paramedics. If it were up to him, he'd never ask, and I wish now that there was nothing to ask about.

"Maybe it will die, and I won't have to worry about it anymore."


	14. What's Wrong

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Princess for Beta'ing  


* * *

Brian’s POV

I am cradling Justin's head in my lap as I talk to 911, begging they send help. I feel like I am going to hyperventilate at Justin’s words, and I’m so fucking afraid that he really means them. I am so surprised, that I almost drop his head on the floor but I catch myself just in time. I stare into his face, wondering how the boy/man, I have known for two years could say something like this.

It’s unfathomable to me, that he can even think something of this nature about anyone, especially an unborn child, and even more inconceivably, his own unborn child. I know I should stay silent after the fight we just had, but I can’t.

“What the fuck do you mean by that?”

I asked the question a little louder than I intended, but I can’t help the fact that fear and anger at this whole situation, is running through my entire body. I wait for an answer, but none is forthcoming. Justin just turns his head away from me and stares at the wall, while clutching his stomach.

My baby’s in so much pain, and he doesn’t want to look at me, not that I blame him because I said some horrible things to him, but I just can’t believe he would let that fucker inside of him raw. Hell, I have never liked the idea of someone inside of him at all, that was mine, only I was allowed to go there. I know we were broken up and that was partly my fault, ok mainly my fault, but fuck, did he have to take him raw? 

I shake my head to clear these thoughts, when I hear sirens getting closer, and I pray that they are going to be able to help my baby, and the one growing inside of him, because I’m afraid that if he loses this baby, he will never be able to get over it.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the paramedics arrive and I know that once again, I will have to ride beside Justin in an ambulance and wonder if he will be alright. The paramedics grab Justin, and gently push me away, but unlike the last time, I don’t fight them. This time my rational brain is working and I know they are trying to help Justin. I don’t know why my brain is so much more functional this time, whether it’s because I’ve been through this with him before, or because for some reason, I know he’s going to live, I’m only really worried about the baby.

I watch them load Justin into the ambulance, and then insist on going with them.

“What’s your relationship to him?”

“He’s my partner.”

I can see the guy wanted to object, but I jumped in before he could say anything. When I get to the seat they have in there, I sit right beside Justin, and notice him looking at me strangely. I lift an eyebrow in silent question and, as always, Justin reads what I’m thinking. He knows I want to know what the look on his face is about.

“Partner?” He scoffs.

I feel the blow of his scorn, like its physical, and I close my eyes, against the on slot. I know I have basically done everything I could to deserve this reaction, but it still kills. I can’t comprehend how someone I know so well, can just change so much.

Finally, we come to a halt, and the paramedics rush Justin into the hospital. I beg to go with him, but they refuse to let me go any further than the waiting room. At first, I just sit there and wait, watching the clock and nervously pacing, but after a few minutes it dawns on me, that I should call the family and let them know.

At first, I can’t think of who I should call, because I just can’t deal with many people right now, and I sure as hell don’t want to call either of the mothers, Jennifer or Deb. Then the answer hits me, and I go outside to use my cell phone.

I listen to the phone ring on the other end, and I wait impatiently for it to be picked up, finally.

“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Brian what’s wrong?”

“It’s Justin, Alleghany General, please hurry.”

“I’ll be right there.”

I hang up, and head back in to check with the nurse to see how Justin is doing, but I just get a head shake, and a you’ll have to wait, which drives me even more insane than I already am, but I know I can’t do anything other than what she said, so I go back to the waiting room, to once again, pace and watch the time tick by.

Not quite ten minutes later, I hear running steps coming towards me, and I turn around to catch the bundle of energy, that I know is about to launch itself into my arms.

“Is he alright? What happen? Where is he?”

“Calm down Daph, one question at a time. I have no idea how he’s doing because they haven’t told me anything yet.”

“Well, what happened to him?”

“He fell down the stairs to the loft.”

“Oh my God!”

Daphne throws her arms around me, seeking comfort, which is why I called her, me comforting her, is also giving me comfort, which is what I so desperately needed. Just then, I see a doctor come in the room, and looks around.

“Who is here for Justin Taylor?”

“That’s us. I’m Brian Kinney his partner, and this is his best friend Daphne Chanders.”

“Ok mister Kinney, you may go in, but I’m sorry Miss Chanders, but you can’t come back, it’s for family only.”

“But…”

“Don’t worry about it Brian, just go check on him and come out and tell me what’s going on.”

“Ok Daphne, why don’t you put the call out to everyone else.”

“You didn’t call them?”

“I just…couldn’t.”

“Ok no problem. Now go.”

I walk down the corridor with the doctor almost feeling like I am walking down death row because the end of this trip means life or death. I don’t really know how I would be able to survive without Justin and I don’t think he will be able to deal with it if the baby dies. I just know if this baby dies that all three of us are basically fucked.

Finally, after passing, what seems like the millionth room, the doctor slows down and opens one. What I see, does nothing to help my fears any. I see Justin hooked up to a lot of machines, that I have no idea what they do, and he seems to be sleeping. All I can think is that somehow, someway he has slipped back into a coma, and the doctor’s prediction from last time would come true.

I remember every second of the last time he was in this hospital, no matter how much I would like to forget the whole thing, and pretend it never happened, pretend that Chris had never taken that bat to Justin’s head. But even with all that, I still remember it all, and the doctor’s words ring in my ears, first when he said he didn’t think Justin would make it, and then when he cautioned us that another blow to the head, or anything that causes a coma, that Justin would not be waking up next time.

I think I’m about to cry, when I see Justin open his eyes, and now I want to cry with relief, well, that is until Justin speaks.

“What the fuck is he doing here?”

I want to say something, but I can’t bring myself to do anything more than opening my mouth, and then closing it again, without omitting any sound.

“Justin, you said you wanted Brian. Is there another Brian?”

“No there isn’t, I just forgot that I fucking don’t want to look at his face ever again. So fuck off Brian.”

I don’t know what to do, because part of me wants to do what he wants, so he won’t be upset, and because I don’t really like the way he’s treating me, but another part of me wants to stay here, and offer the comfort that I know he needs right now, but before I can say anything, the doctor takes the decision out of my hands.

“Justin you wanted him here for a reason right? You wanted him to be here when we talk, because he is your moral support.”

I see warring emotions fly across Justin’s face, and I wonder why this is such a hard decision. I have never known him to even really have to think about anything, that had to do with me. All of the time I have known Justin, he just seemed to leap into everything with both feet, and without looking where he was going, although I knew by the time I had known him for a few months, that he was incredibly smart, and always considered the consequence of any, and all of his actions.

“Fine, whatever.”

There is resentment in Justin’s voice, but he said yes, so I know he really wants me here because Justin never does anything he truly doesn’t want to. So I go closer to him, and stand at his side, although I would love to sit on the side of his bed. I know that is impossible because I can feel the anger and pain radiating off of him, and I know at least most of it, if not all of it, is because of me.

“Ok Justin, we have a lot to go over. First do you both know how men get pregnant?”

“Umm, not really. I know they think it’s because of pollution, or evolution, and that every man now has to worry about it.”

“Ok that’s manly true, they have recently figured out that it is an evolutionary response to threats such as pollution, causing breast cancer on the female sex.”

“Ok, does that mean they think that all woman are going to die?”

“No, but there will be a great percentage of woman that will not be able to conceive.” 

I stand there, and listen to Justin and the doctor, who I noticed by his name tag is named Colin Prescott MD. They talk, and although I am not joining in the conversation, I am certainly learning a great deal.

“Ok, so I guess my question is, whether Justin and his baby are alright. If the fall hurt either of them in any way?”

“Well, the fall didn’t affect the baby at all, and as for Justin, he is in a lot of pain because he pulled a muscle below his womb, but after sometime in pain the muscle will be fine.”

“Ok.”

I hate Justin’s monotone answer, and I can’t fucking figure out what is wrong with him, because although we had a knock down drag out, I still can’t believe that’s the only thing wrong with him. He acts like he really doesn’t care about whether or not the baby growing inside him lives or dies, and I know that’s not Justin. It’s almost like I am looking at a replica of my baby, and although who ever had made this replica, had pulled off making him look like Justin, but they had failed to make his attitude anything like that of Justin.

I shake my head to get myself out of the weird thoughts I am having, about a factory line of people making Justin replicas, and it suddenly hits me, exactly what the doctor said.

“So, what is wrong with Justin and the baby?”

“Brian, fuck, are you deaf? He just said there was nothing wrong with the baby, and the only thing wrong with me is a fucking pulled muscle, so how about you fucking listen next time, so that it answers a question, that you yourself asked.”

“Justin.” I growl.

“Ok guys, no fighting.”

I shut up immediately; because I don’t want Justin to get excited and possibly harm himself more.

“Right, Justin, what I think Brian was alluding to was, I had remarked that the fall didn’t hurt you or the baby, more significantly, than your pulled muscle, and he’s right that there is something wrong, that has nothing to do with the fall.”

“What’s wrong?”

I hear both Justin and I say those words at the same time, both with fear in our voices, and I found myself closing my eyes, trying not to think about all the things that the doctor could say is wrong. Before the doctor could say anything, I try to reach out, and hold Justin’s hand, to offer moral support and take some from him, but as soon as Justin feels my hand touch his, he pulls his away from me, and I close my eyes a second time in less than that many minutes. The only difference is that this time, I can’t see myself opening them anytime soon. Before I can let the painful feeling about Justin’s words and actions today get to me, the doctor starts talking.

“Umm, right guys, I would like to make sure you know all there is to know, about male pregnancy, before we go into anything else.”

“What the fuck? Just tell us.”

“Fuck Brian, shut up and let the man talk.”

“Ok, I talked to doctor Spaulding your OBGYN, and we compared findings, and we’d set your due date as November second.”

I see Justin grin evilly at this knowledge, and I don’t know what he is about to do, or even what set him off, but I do know that when Justin smiles that smile, he is plotting something.

“Umm, Dr. Prescott?”

“Oh please Justin, call me Colin.”

“Sure, but can you tell what the conception date is by all the tests you have run?”

“Oh yes, of course.” The doctor flips open his chart before finishing, “Your conceptions date is February 10th , though it could be the 11th or 12th, but it’s pretty certain that the date is the 10th.”

I feel the words slam into me, as the knowledge of what he is saying, Justin and I got back together on the 9th, so for that to be the day he got pregnant, it had to be during our marathon fuck session we had the whole next day. So he’s saying the baby is mine, no doubt because we didn’t even leave the loft that day, so there is no way possible that it could be anyone’s, but mine.

Shit, even the other days he mentioned we were together almost all day those days too, and because they were after that day, it’s still a positive that the baby’s mine. Hmmm, I wonder why he didn’t include the day’s right before that. Isn’t that what they usually do?

“Umm Dr. Colin?”

“Yes Brian?”

“What about the days right before that? Couldn’t he have gotten pregnant the two days before that too?”

I refuse to look at Justin, but I can still feel his anger, hateful glaze burning into me, and I know that he is angry, that even after the doctor just basically said that the baby had to be mine, I was still questioning it, but I just have to know. I just need there to be no doubt in my mind, and I hope Justin will understand that.

“No, there is no chance that it was anything but those three days, and as for the two days before the 10th, Justin wasn’t ovulating on those days, so there is no way it could be those.”

“Ok, thanks.”

“No Problem. Now I want to go over some of the symptoms you could experience at this point in your pregnancy. There not all common, but they are possible, and I want you to be aware of them. There may be cramps, increased urge to urinate, constipation and heartburn, nosebleeds, mood swings, headaches, and fatigue. Now, the camps may be escalated by the pulled muscle, and we will give you some pain medicine for that.”

“Wait, won’t the pain meds hurt that baby?”

I don’t really know what’s up, but since I heard that the baby’s mine, I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m scared and overjoyed at the same time, almost in the same breath.

“No, we went through all our options and found something Justin isn’t allergic too, and that won’t hurt the baby.” 

“Ok, I think we have learned all we need to know about babies, so now could you please tell us what the hell is wrong.”

“Well, by the test we have run, it seems you are very stressed out.”

“Well falling down stairs will do that.”

“No Justin, not just from today, but for a while, maybe the entire pregnancy”

“Well keeping a couple of huge secrets will do that.”

I can’t even believe I said that, and Justin looks equally incredulous, until his face turns to stone.

“Ok, well, whatever the reason, it has to stop now, you can’t be under any more stress, it’s harming you, and the baby, also because of all the stress you have pre-partum depression.”


	15. Just Done

Thanks to my beta Lois

 

**AN: Ok this is just a reminder that Justin is not going to be much like himself because he is depressed**

 

Justin’s POV

“Pre-partum depression? Well, what will that mean for Justin and the baby?”

“The symptoms of the depression vary from person to person and can include, but are not limited to, feelings of sadness or emptiness. He may also lose interest in things that were once important to him. His appetite my change and he may lose or gain a lot of weight. You may notice him suffering from Insomnia or oversleeping, unable to sit still, anxious, restless or sluggish, slow speech and body movements, lack of responsiveness. Fatigue and loss of energy are also common as well as concentration problems. He may experience unexplainable aches and pains. And we also have to watch out for irritability and extreme self-loathing.”

I watch as Brian gulps deeply, trying to ingest everything that the doctor has said but I guess the doctor is right about at least some of the symptoms because although I can see that his words have effected Brian deeply, I feel nothing about them. I’m just pissed that Brian’s even here. Some part of me may have wanted him here before but now I just want him gone, out of my life.

I hold my tongue as Brian and the doctor talk back and forth, both of them trying to get me to join in every so often but when it doesn’t work, they go back to talking amongst themselves. They talk about things that I can do to help myself and Brian asks about how he can help and they just continue to talk about me and my baby.

I have no idea when I decided it but I have, I have decided since Brian wanted to call this my baby then it will be my baby. The question is what do I do now that I no longer have to worry about how Brian feels about my actions. I had never before considered abortion because I had always wanted a child and I knew Brian would never want that to happen but will I consider it now, I don’t know. But I do need to find out if it’s even an option.

“Is abortion an option open to me?”

I hear Brian gasp and make a choked sound but I don’t even look at him because he no longer matters in my plans. I just stare at the doctor, who seems surprised and slightly upset himself, but I see the resignation in his eyes and I know that he will answer my question.

“Yes Justin, it is a viable option for about another four weeks. I hope before you decide this, you will think long and hard about this though. I don’t want this to be a snap decision on your part because you will regret it forever if it’s not the right one.”

The doctor leaves the room after looking at Brian and I one last time and I can see worry in his eyes but that doesn’t concern me. I don’t want to be left alone with Brian cause I can feel anger radiating off of him. As soon as the doctor leaves the room I expect Brian to turn around and start screaming at me but he doesn’t and at first I can’t figure out why, until it dawns on me that he is being careful with poor little pregnant depressed Justin and the knowledge pisses me off.

“What? You know you want to say something Brian, so fucking say it.” I yell at his back.

I see Brian’s shoulders slowly straighten and watch as he turns just as slowly towards me. He has done what he can to hide his anger and pain but just behind the walls in his eyes I can see them both burning.

“Justin, why would you even ask that? You have always wanted children.” he says, his voice calm but pain deadened.

“I just wanted to have all my options, Brian.” I state in a clear voice, as if talking to a stranger.

“Bullshit! You asked that question to hurt me.” Brian booms out, already losing control of his temper.

“You know what, Brian? Not everything in this world revolves around you. In fact, this has nothing to do with you.” I sneer at him.

“What do you mean this has nothing to do with me? You are talking about killing my child.” he asks with confusion in his voice.

“Your child? Since when did this become your child? Oh, must have been when the scientific proof showed that it had to be, because it definitely wasn’t when I told you it was. No, when I told you it was, you were to busy calling me a whore to wonder if I planned to abort it.”

“I…Justin…we both said a lot of things but I’m so sorry I didn’t believe you. I just thought…” I don’t want to hear him speak anymore so I cut him off.

“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care. I don’t know if I’m planning on having this baby but it’s my choice not yours.”

“Justin, please!”

“But either way, your little plans with the doctor don’t mean shit.” I spit out.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that even if I decide to have this baby, there is no way you can help me with the pregnancy because I don’t live with you.”

“Well yeah, but when we get out of here we’ll go get your stuff at Daphne’s and move you back into the loft.”

“Maybe I didn’t make myself clear. I have no intention of ever living with you again. This afternoon made everything crystal clear to me. We’re not together, never were, and never will be.”

“What do you mean? We were together. This afternoon we had a fight, a huge fight but a fight none the less, and we can get over it. And we were together before the Ethan thing too. I mean I might not be good at this thing but we have been pulling it off ok.”

“God, you really think that, don’t you? We have never been together because you don’t love and what’s worse is, you don’t even respect me.”

“What do you mean I don’t respect you? Of course I respect you. You are one of the greatest people I have even known.”

“Well, I love how you just ignored the fact that you don’t love me but you don’t respect me, so don’t even bother even saying you do. If you respect someone, you don’t go out of your way to hurt them. If you respect someone you’re ‘with’, you don’t sleep with other people.”

“God, Justin. We’re at the tricks again? How many times do I have to say they don’t mean anything?”

“But they mean something and especially to me and you know and you’ve always known it. So to keep doing it means you don’t respect me or my feelings, but we’re not going to get into it because there’s just nothing to talk about anymore.”

“Justin?” Brian says in a pleading voice.

“I’m sorry.”

“Please.”

I turn away from Brian’s pleading, which is so unlike him and so unbecoming and I lay on the bed waiting to get out. I expect to hear Brian leave and my whole being is waiting for it to happen but after a few minutes of just listening to him breath harshly, I hear him sit down in one of the chairs in the room.

I am surprised and disappointed and somewhere deep in the place that I’m still the person I used to be, happy when Brian stays. But I know that I’m not that person anymore and that Brian can no longer be a part of my life. When the baby is born I’ll let him play whatever role in the child’s life as he chooses but he can no longer be a part of mine. He can no longer be anything but my child’s father or someone I used to know.

Four Hours Later

I watch the doctor leave once again with a sense of relief, I can go home as soon as I have someone to go home to who knows everything that I need and is willing to help me, so I pick up the phone and dial Daphne. I tell her that I’m ok but I need her to come down to the hospital and then I wait with Brian, still sitting in the chair across the room.

As soon as Daphne arrives, she is like a whirl wind asking a million questions about how I am and how the baby is. When I tell her what happened and what the doctor said, she has more questions which I answer as well as I can, all the while wishing she would just shut up so we can go. Finally we come to the part about me going home with her and although she throws a weird glance at Brian, she says nothing about him and immediately agrees to me coming back to her place.

Daphne’s POV

I rush to the hospital after Justin’s call, even though he said he was ok because if he was ok he wouldn’t be calling from the hospital now, would be. On the way there I not only worry about Justin but also about the baby, because for some reason I have been so scared about the baby. 

I have thought from the first moment that he should have told Brian but I know why he didn’t and even though I didn’t agree with it, I helped him keep it from Brian. Now I know that Brian knows and I wonder how he took it. Was he shocked but happy or was he upset that he was going to have another child. Because not only is Brian’s opinion important as the other father but also because Brian means so much to Justin and I know Justin needs him to be happy about it, especially after the stressful start of this pregnancy.

After I get into Justin’s room and listen to what happened, what’s wrong, and what Justin plans to do about it, I look to Brian before answering and although I do answer the affirmative about Justin living with me for the remainder of his pregnancy, I wish I didn’t have to. The distance between Justin and Brian is vast and instead of the remoteness coming from Brian, it is coming off Justin in waves.

I don’t know what is going on but the kick puppy dog look on Brian’s face is killing me and it doesn’t seem to be affecting Justin one bit. I don’t know what this means but I know it’s not good. I think about what Justin had told me about his depression thing and I wonder if that is the only thing that’s going on, but somehow I doubt it. I don’t know what it is but something else is going on, and I’m going to find out what it is. Something needs to get them back together.

Two Hours Later - Daphne’s Apartment

It took us forever to get out of the hospital and then Brian gave us a ride home and although I could tell he wanted to talk to Justin, he didn’t get the chance. As soon as the Jeep stopped, Justin jumped out to avoid talking to Brian, even though we could both tell that had hurt himself doing it. 

Before I step out of the Jeep to go after Justin, I meet Brian’s eyes for a moment and with his eyes he tells me a million different things. The most prominent being I’m sorry, I love him, take care of him. Just as silently I return a message of my own, fix it. I see the answer in his eyes and I know that whatever this is, it’s Brian’s fault or at least he is taking the blame for it, and Justin is giving him the blame for once.

I turn away from Brian and head up the stairs, determined to make my best friend as comfortable as I can living with me and then fix his relationship and move his ass in with Brian, where he belongs.


	16. Words

Daphne’s POV Continued

Justin is finally settled in and he is sitting on his bed staring into the distance so I sit down beside him. I know I have to be careful not to stress him out so I offer him what comfort I can. But I also know that I need to be able to get through to him, I need to understand what really happened and not just the facts he gave me at the hospital.

It’s not that I think he’s lying and Brian had anything to do physically with him falling down the stairs because that’s the last thought in my mind. No, I just know that there is a huge story behind the way he’s acting to Brian and I know I need to get it out of him so I can help start the healing.

“Tell me Justin.”

I spend another couple of minutes getting him to actually talk about it and then about a half an hour getting the real story out of him. I listen to every word his says in a slightly disinterested voice and I realize that although Justin’s depression is playing a role in this, it’s also about the things that have happened in their relationship and I know that this won’t have an easy fix.

“Justin, I’m sure everything will work out between you and Brian.”

“Daphne, I don’t think I want things to work out between Brian and I. I just have had enough. I guess Brian’s wrong; there is a such thing as enough.”

“Justin, you don’t mean that.”

“Yes I do.”

I stare at him shocked, not because I believe he means it but because I can see that he believes he means it. I know that Justin still loves Brian but I think that he is just…I don’t even know what it is that he is feeling but I know we have to do something about it; because Justin doesn’t make sense without Brian just as Brian doesn’t make sense without Justin. I saw both of them when Justin was with the grease ball and they were both so miserable; I just can’t see them go through that again.

Brian’s POV

I watch Daphne walk away after Justin and I don’t say anything but put the Jeep into drive and leave. I drive through the streets on the way back to the loft and wonder what is going to happen. Is Justin mad enough at me that he would make it hard for me to see my child? No, Justin isn’t like that.

But that is not the only worry I have because truthfully I don’t want to not be with Justin and he just doesn’t seem to love me anymore.

When I finally reach the loft I feel like the weight of the world has settled right on my shoulders and although I give no outward signs as I’m making it to the loft, once I get inside my whole façade crumbles at my feet and I slide down the door I just closed.

I bang my head against it a couple of times making a deep echoing sound and think about everything I have lost. I have always been scared to love someone and so I kept Justin at arms length even though I do love him and I’m about to lose him once again, but this time forever and I can’t do anything to stop it.

I feel the depression sink deeper into me and I struggle to my feet in search of Beam to make the pain disappear. As I walk over to the counter to grab the Beam, my eye catches on the dining room table. There sitting on top of it is all the stuff of Justin’s that I threw there when I wanted him out of my life. I grab the bottle of Beam and plop myself down in a chair at the table and stare at the things Justin has at the loft, although he doesn’t live here.

There’s a pair of his sneakers that I hate. God, I hate most of his clothes, well not on him but just in general, although they look great on him. He is so beautiful and I would love to see him in better clothes but he insists on dressing like a twink. Not that by some people’s definitions he isn’t a twink, but he really isn’t. He maybe nineteen but God, inside he is so old sometimes. He has this timeless wisdom that astounds me sometimes.

I think it’s exactly that wisdom and timelessness that has enabled him to put up with me for this long but I guess it doesn’t last forever. Nothing lasts forever I guess, well maybe nothing lasts forever for me. The shitty thing is I was beginning to think that Justin had a chance. I thought that he loved me enough to deal with my baggage but I guess after our fight, it is just over.

I start to run through all the things that were said in that fight and about two minutes into dwelling on it, I decide that I’m not going to anymore. Dwelling won’t get me anywhere but depressed and I refuse to do that. So I go back to looking at the items on the table. There are another couple of items of clothing, so I go to push them away so I can see other things but as I do, I see my favorite shirt of his. It’s a black and red long sleeved tee and without any thought about it I pick it up and smell it.

As I had hoped, when I smell it I catch a whiff of his smell, a smell that is uniquely his and that I could pick out blind folded. It smells of his body, my body wash, which he never admits to stealing but he always does, and I’m not sure what they other scent there is, even though I have spent way more time then I would even admit trying to figure it out. The smell almost reminds me of a summer day when I was a kid but I can’t place what it actually is and there’s no way I can ask, cause that would be admitting weakness to Justin and I can’t do that. It’s bad enough that I know he knows that I smell him and that I love the smell of him. Of course I have never told him that but he just knows things; I don’t know how. Hell, I think he even knows that I wonder about that smell and he just won’t say anything. It’s weird that he doesn’t say anything either, cause usually when he does that creepy reading my mind thing, he tells me the answer to the question I won’t ask but for some reason not about that.

All of a sudden I realize that I’m sniffing Justin’s shirt like a fucking lesbian and I throw it down in disgust. I move to jump out of the chair, saying fucking this in my head, when I see his sketch books. I had collected about six of them as well as a bunch of different kinds of pencils when I was going through picking up his stuff. I gaze at them like they are holy because to me, and I know to Justin, they are.

I have never looked in Justin’s sketchbooks without permission before because they are so important to him but I feel the need to do so right now. The need is so overwhelming because I know that this maybe the last time I have his sketchbooks in the loft. With that thought a billion images race through my mind of Justin sketching and I know I will miss the sound of pencil scratching against paper. I will miss waking up to that sound and his eyes on me as he sketched me as I slept for the millionth time.

So even though there are parts of me telling me how wrong this is, I flip open the first book. The first picture I see is of Gus and I have to smile at the mischievousness that Justin portrayed in the picture. Not a lot of people know just how mischievous Gus actually is because he’s so young but Justin knows that my son is just like me, hell on wheels. I continue to flip through the pages seeing the whole gang and basically everyone Justin knows adorning the pages but mostly the pictures are of me.

Book after book is the same, Justin drawing what ever strikes his interest at that moment which meant a fair share of the pictures were of me. Finally I’m about to open the last book and before I do, I look at the cover. The cover is tattered and faded and I realize what book this is. This is the sketchbook Justin has had, at least since I have known him. He only pulls it out at weird moments and he never lets me look inside it although I have asked a couple of times. I have always been curious about this one simply because he wouldn’t show me and although I feel worse about opening this one than I did the others, I still swing the cover around back.

The first page in the book is a picture of me standing in front of him while he was under the lamppost on the night we met, but unlike the other books or any of his sketchbooks I have even seen, this one has words under the picture.

‘I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.’

I laugh out loud reading this but I also feel my insides shatter just a little bit more because I realize he had written this after seeing me the first night. I know he knew even then that he felt something for me and I’m afraid now that it is over.

I shake my head and flip to the next page and again it’s a picture of me with words underneath it. The picture is of me outside the loft in my bare feet and I remember this scene too, it was the first night that Justin tried to come back and I was waiting on a trick that showed up while Justin was there. Justin ran down to the car and the trick convinced me to go after him which gave me the perfect excuse to do just that because I had wanted to anyway. Beneath this picture it read.

‘For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are those "it might have beens”’

Wow, after writing that I am surprised that he had continued to come after me again and again and now I can’t help myself. I am flipping through the book and looking at all the pictures and reading all the lines at the bottom. The whole book is filled in much the same way and I feel the words and the emotions slam into me as our relationship plays out in this book.

‘If love is the answer, can you please repeat the question?’

I don’t really get those words but I think about them for a long time, trying to figure out what he was saying with them and all I get out of it is a headache and the need to ask him what they mean; although I would never do that because, God forbid I should show I care. God, now I’m getting disgusted with myself. How can Justin stand to look at me? I shrug off that thought and turn the page once again, curious to know more of what he was thinking because although Justin would love to share his feelings with me, I’ve never been willing to hear them even though I have always wanted to.

‘Love makes life so confusing, but without love would you really want to live?’

‘Age does not protect you from love but love to some extent protects you from age.’

‘We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.’

I stop at these words and stare at them for a long time, especially the ones that he put in bold. You can tell he runs his pencil over those words time and time again and I know these words mean a lot to him. And just seeing means a lot to me because I have always thought Justin deserved better than me but what if he doesn’t want better? What if what he really wants is me? Why didn’t I ever listen to him? I need him and maybe he needs me just as much.

I think about our situation and his words which I’m tracing with my finger for about an hour. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do this right. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be monogamous. I don’t know a lot of things but I do know that I want to find them out with Justin.

I jump up before I can stop myself and grab my cell phone. When I have Justin’s cell information in front of me, I start hitting buttons and about five minutes later I’m done. I stare at the screen for a second and then press send before I can change my mind. After another second my cell beeps and I look down and the screen says message sent and it displays what I wrote to Justin.

“No, I can’t erase the wrong I’ve done but I hope you can give me another chance. Because if you were me, you would want the same and I’d give that chance to you.”


	17. Opening the Line

Justin’s POV

The sound of my phone ringing wakes me out of the light slumber that I was able to finally fall into. I was going to ignore it but I realize that it’s not someone calling, it’s my text message alert and for some reason I can’t ignore it. I glance at the screen and almost drop my phone in surprise at what Brian wrote me.

I don’t know how to deal with what he has written, I mean this is Brian we’re talking about here and this isn’t like him, being vocal about his feelings. This is so out of character for him that I’m not sure what to do. I sigh and close my phone not having the energy to deal with this tonight, even though everything in me is just thinking about what he wrote.

The Next Morning

I hear a noise but I ignore it, not wanting to get up and face a new day but after me not answering her a couple times, Daph comes into my room and starts shaking me.

“What the fuck do you fucking want Daphne?” I roar at her although I’m not even mad at her; I just want it all to go away.

I just wanted her to let me ignore the world but she wasn’t prepared to do that and although I can feel her flinch at my angry words, she doesn’t stop.

“Justin, the doctor’s on the phone for you. You need to talk to her.”

“Tell her to go away.”

I feel Daphne still for a second and then I feel my covers being violently ripped from my body. Then Daphne jumps up on my bed and starts bouncing right next to me.

“Justin, get out of bed. Justin, get out of bed.” Daphne starts sing-songing as she jumps.

I try but can’t ignore her jumping so finally I jump out of bed and slam my way to the living room so I can get the phone, all the while shooting evil glares at Daphne for not letting me wallow in my self pity although I have no idea why I expected her to. She is just not like that and I know it. It’s not like I’m even surprised at her actions because I have known her, like half of my life, and she would never allow someone she loved to be so down in the dumps if she could help it. I snatch up the phone and growl into the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this Justin?”

“Yes.”

“Hi Justin this is Doctor Spaulding’s office and I’m calling because the doctor wants to see you on Thursday.”

“Thursday? That’s only two days away.”

“Yes, we know that it’s short notice but with your accident the doctor thinks you should have another exam soon.”

“Fine.” I agree in an irritated voice and we discuss the time and what will happen before we hang up.

As soon as I’m off the phone Daphne comes up behind me sort of cautiously and I know she wants to know what the doctor said; but I attempt to walk by her back into the bedroom without saying anything. I knew it would happen but when I hear her voice I’m even more irritated.

“What did you doctor want?”

“She set an appointment for me to go in for an exam.” I say in a mono tone voice as I walk back into the bedroom.

I hear Daphne follow me and even though I would love nothing more than to crawl back into bed, I know that she has no intention actually letting me go. So I just grab some clothes to go get dressed, although I have no plans on doing anything today or anytime in the near future.

As I pick up my clothes, my cell phone falls out and when I pick up it up, I remember the message I got last night. Even though I know exactly what it says, I still find myself opening the phone to see the message again. As I look at the words my whole world shakes and shifts a little and I don’t know what’s going on and why Brian is doing this, but again, I go to blow it off for now, when Daphne speaks again.

“So do you want me to go to the doctor’s with you?”

“No.”

“What? Justin, you shouldn’t go alone.”

“I’m going to ask Brian to go with me.”

“Oh great!” Daphne exclaimed.

I cringe at the excitement in her voice because I know that I’m going to be disappointing her but I can’t help it and I’m not sure I care all that much either.

“It’s his kid. I don’t care but at least this way I won’t have to hear him bitch about it.” I say in a dull voice.

Because even if me and Brian aren’t together, I’m not going to cut him out of his kid’s life. I really don’t know when I decided not to have an abortion or if I was even thinking about it in the first place but I know that I’m not going to be doing that. I still don’t know if I will keep the baby but I will allow Brian whatever he wants until I decide. I will just make it clear to him before I ask him to go that I don’t know whether I’m going to keep it.

“So could you give me a minute so I can call him?”

“You want me to leave the room?” Daphne asks incredulously.

“Yeah. What’s the big deal about me having a private conversation with my ex whatever the fuck?” I roar.

Daphne flinches once again at my anger but again, she doesn’t back down of course.

“Because I know you are not feeling good about you and Brian right now and I just am afraid you’ll say something you’ll regret.” She said softly, obviously hoping not to anger me more.

The problem is that is the exact reaction I have to the words and I know that I shouldn’t say anything but I can’t help it.

“Well you know what, that’s my problem and it has nothing to do with you so why don’t you butt the fuck out of it!” I yell and I watch as she changes from understanding to more like the Daphne that I know, the one who would never allow someone to talk to her like that.

“Listen, I know that you’re going through some stuff right now and that you’re not really feeling like yourself but you need to stop talking out on me, or anyone else.” Daphne started her statement off basically growling, but the last part was pretty much a whisper and I know exactly what she is referring to.

“Oh, so you think that I should just let him get away with all the things he does to me? That I should just let him treat me like that?”

“No I’m not saying that but I can’t believe you won’t even give him a chance. I can’t believe as much as you love him, you guys are just over.”

“Daphne I just don’t think I have it in me anymore. I don’t think I can fight for every little thing anymore.”

I slump down on the bed after saying this because just thinking about it is draining me of every fiber of energy I have and Daphne sits down next to me and draws me into her arms. As soon as her arms encircle me, I turn my face into her chest and cry huge gasping sobs for what I’m losing. I don’t know what I’m feeling; one minute I’m so angry I could rip someone’s head off and the next minute I just want to cry myself to sleep and ignore the world.

“It’s ok, Justin.” Daphne soothes.

Brian’s POV

I sit at my desk in the loft after another pitch and I know that I have got the client but I don’t feel good about it, even though it‘s what is going to help me get my own agency. I have decided that with the baby on the way, that’s what I’m going to do. I have to support my child and no one is going to stop me from doing that, not even some homophobe with a lot of power.

All that I have been thinking about since last night, since I send Justin that text message, was just whether he would answer me or not. I sat and stared at the phone for a long time after sending it and then when I went to bed I made sure that my cell phone was on the night stand so I would hear it no matter when it rang, but the call never came.

And I now know he doesn’t plan on actually answering my message. I know that he’s alright because I know Daphne would have called me if something was wrong, no matter what, so I know he just has chosen not to answer me.

I don’t know what to do about this, a part of me is very hurt that he wouldn’t answer me when I had got as close as I have gotten to put my feelings into words. But another part understands that it won’t be that easy to get him to forgive me, for not only the things that I said when I found out he was pregnant, but also for the things I’ve done and said since we have met.

I try to get my mind off it and onto the work I have in front of me but I can’t see the papers on my desk. I can just see Justin laying at the bottom of the stairs at the loft and hear him saying how his problems would be over if the baby died. I also remember his words at the hospital when he asked about abortion.

These words remind me once again that I might not just lose Justin, but our baby as well. I know that even if I can’t have Justin back, I need to convince him to have the baby; I can’t deal with it if he kills our baby. Although I’m not sure how well I will really deal with it if I can’t have him to.

The irony of the situation is not lost on me. The irony of me being the one who is having visions of home and family, children and lovers.

“Oh God, I’m going to turn into a fucking hetro or a lesbian!”

“What boss?”

I hadn’t realized that I had said anything out loud until Cynthia asked me what I said and I’m about to snap at her and send her on her way but then another thought hits me and just like that, I have decided that I’m going to continue to fight for Justin. I’m so glad Cyn called me this morning and I don’t know how I’m going to do all these things at the same time but I know if it’s possible, Cyn will figure out a way to do it.

“Yeah Cyn, I want to buy a house for me and Justin and…our child and I need you to help me pull that off as well.”

I hesitate before I tell Cynthia about the baby but she is the only person besides Justin I could always tell anything to, even though I don’t do it a lot with either one of them. But I understand now that have to be more honest and I might as well start with Cynthia.

I love Cyn so much because she just takes in the news and nods, holding back the obvious excitement behind her eyes and sits down at the kitchen table and going through her trusty black book and start to work her magic. As I watch her, I decide to text message Justin once again.

“Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then in silence, I can only hope, my eyes will speak my heart.”

I once again stare at the sent message, hoping that it will somehow get through to Justin and as I’m about to set it down, I get a text message alert. When I look down at the panel and see it’s from Justin I get all excited and push the button quickly.

“I have a doctor’s appointment with my OBGYN on Thursday. Do you want to go with me?”

At first I’m sad that this is all he has sent me but then when I think about it, I realize that this is an open line of communication to Justin and he has agreed for me to be part of the baby experience without me asking. So I again get excited and instantly starts pushing the buttons to message him back.


	18. I Want To Try

Justin’s POV

I sit on the couch in Daphne’s apartment and it’s a little over an hour before my doctor’s appointment and only minutes before Brian should be here. I asked him to be here an hour early because we need to talk. I know Daph is just down the street in case Brian doesn’t want to take me after this talk and I’m not sure he will.

I don’t know how I’m going to say these things to him without breaking apart but I know that I have to. I have done a lot of thinking over the last few days and I know that I’ve been harsh to Brian but I don’t know what I can do to change what’s happening. It seems like we are on different sides of the Berlin Wall and neither of us know how to cross the space.

I hear a knock on the door and I don’t want to get it but I get up and do it anyway. I open the door and Brian’s there looking like some weird mix between happy and scared shitless. I invite him and ask if he wants a drink and I can tell he wants something hard but he asks for a water. I go and get it for him and a juice for me, because it has vitamins for the baby and we go silently over to the couch and sit down sort of facing each other, neither of us saying anything.

“Brian.” I say softly as I blink my eyes rapidly trying to keep in the tears that are stinging my eyes.

“Justin, I…” He says softly as he puts his hand on my face. As soon as I feel his touch, my battle against the tears is lost and they start flowing down my face. I find myself getting lost in his eyes, which are so soft and gentle right now but I refuse to let this go this way. 

I can’t just forgive Brian because it’s not only me that I have to worry about now. There is another person that will be affected by whatever happens between us now and I can’t just wish and hope Brian will change like I have always done before. 

I know after all this time that he won’t and the pathetic part is I don’t really want him to change. I love him, I just wish he would respect me but it’s obvious that I’m not the one for Brian. So it’s stupid to keep going through this, to keep forcing Brian into something that isn’t really what he wants. Now all I have to be able to do is say that to Brian.

“Okay I have to say this even though I don’t really want to.” I say, looking away from Brian.”

“Justin, please look at me. There is nothing so bad we can’t work through it.” Brian says, pulling my face back to look at him and I want to believe him but I know it’s not true.

“Brian, I’m not going to have the abortion. I don’t even know why I asked that.”

“That’s great. I was praying that you wouldn’t do that.” Brian answers with a big grin on his face and I see the relief he feels in his entire body. I know that I’m going to be crushing him again in a minute and I almost wish I didn’t have to say what is coming next; but I know that it’s unfair not to let him know, let him prepare incase it happens that way.

“The thing is Brian, although I know I would never kill my child, I still don’t know if I’m going to keep her.” I say with trepidation in my voice because I don’t think he is going to take this well. Hell, if it were me, I wouldn’t take it well either.

“What? What do you mean; you don’t think you’re going to keep our child?” Brian demands in a loud voice, standing up to get away from me at the same time.

“Brian, we have the most fucked up relationship in history…” 

“That’s not true. It’s strange but it’s us and it’s…”

“No Brian, it’s fucked up. Fuck, we are famous for how fucked our relationship is. And this relationship isn’t us, it’s you. It’s about what Brian wants, what Brian feels, and what Brian won’t do.”

My outburst stuns us both to silence and I watch as Brian absorbs what I have said. I didn’t mean to bark at him like that but I can’t stand to even think about our time together, it’s just not something that should be called a relationship.

“I…I’m sorry Justin, I didn’t mean to hurt you so much. I’m just so sorry.”

“Don’t be. No apologies right? But that isn’t what we have to talk about here.”

“But isn’t that what we’re really talking about? That I hurt you so much, that not only can you not see yourself with me; but you don’t think you can keep my child, although you have always wanted a child.” Brian says in a cripplingly sad voice.

I look at Brian, stunned by what he said and wondering if there is any truth in it. And I look in his face and for some reason I think of Gus, Brian’s mirror image and the tears start pouring when I realize that Brian hit the nail on the head. I don’t want to have his child because I don’t want to look in the face of my child everyday and see Brian.

“I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can do it Brian.” I cry out through sobs. “I don’t know what I would do if our child looked like you and I had to look in your face everyday and couldn’t have you.” Brian’s arms encircle me as I sob out my distress and after a few minutes I feel my hair getting wet and I realize that Brian is crying silently in my hair.

We stand in each other’s arms for quite some time, neither of us willing to let go as our tears dry and before either of us can say another word, my cell phone rings. I reluctantly pull away from Brian to answer it and I see on the ID that it’s Daphne and before I open it I know what it’s about.

“Hey,”

“You have to leave now if you’re going to make it on time. Do you need me to drive you?”

“I don’t know.”

I put the phone down a little and ask Brian if he is still going to take me to the doctor’s and he looks shocked that I even asked. When he agrees and I hang up from Daphne’s we head out, both of us at a loss for what to say.

Finally we get to the doctor’s with little or no talk between us the whole way and when they call my name to come back, Brian looks at me apprehensively and I know he isn’t sure if I will let him come back with me. So I smile at him and gesture for him to come. As soon as he sees that, he smiles real big and gets up and starts hurrying me along.

“Brian, we’ll get there, jeez.” I say as he practically pushes me down the hall.

“Ahh right.” He says kind of sheepishly when he realizes what he was doing.

Once we are in the exam room, the nurse tells me to get out of my clothes and hands me a grown to put on and then she leaves. I pause for a second before I get undressed, because I felt weird for a minute getting naked in front of Brian. Then I looked at him and he quirked an eyebrow at me and I knew I was being stupid. I get undressed and as I pick up the grown to put it on, I’m stilled by Brian’s arms coming around my waist.

Brian slides his arms around until they are resting on my stomach and all I can do is lean into his embrace. He starts rubbing my little bump and sets his chin on my shoulder, looking down at where his hands are. I feel at home and protected in his arms as I always do and I know I will never find this feeling anywhere else, hell I would never want to find it anywhere else.

“Justin,” Brian whispers in my ear. “I want us to give it a try.” I immediately try to interrupt but he gently shushes me. “I know we have tried before but I think we should give it another go.” And again he goes on not giving me time to voice my objections but he does it so softly that I don’t even get angry. “We have enough time to work on us before the baby is born so if it doesn’t work, then we can always deal with everything before the baby.” 

Brian pauses for a while and even though this is the perfect time for me to input my thoughts, I don’t because I know that he’s not done yet so I just wait.

“But I want this to work out Justin, not just for the baby but us, and I promise I will try my best to not hurt you. Even though we both know I can’t promise that it will turn out the way we want it to, I can promise that I will do everything I can so we both get what we want.”

“What do you want, Brian?”

“Us. I want us.” Brian says, turning my face a little so we are looking into each others eyes. “So what do you say?”

I open my mouth to answer him even though I have no idea what my answer will be but before I can answer, the doctor comes in the room.

“Hey Justin, how are you doing today? And who is this?”

“Hi doctor Spaulding, I’m doing fine and this is Brian.”

Brian reaches out and shakes the doctor’s hand and she responds to my words. “Brian, so are you the other father?” She questions with a slight smile.

“Yeah, that would be me.” Brian says proudly with a big goofy grin on his face, not that I’d ever tell him that he looks goofy.

“Ok Justin, I have gotten all the files from your ER doctor and after we check out everything, we are going to go over that too.” There is a stern note in her voice and I know she means business. “First, climb up on the scale and let’s see how much you weigh.”

I do as instructed, knowing that this part won’t go well. I watch as the doctor clicks the scale over to where my weight should be and then draws it back and back and back some more until it finally rests on my current weight. I can feel the slight disapproval coming from her but I can feel the heat of Brian’s concern coming off him in waves.

“Justin, you have lost another five pounds; you can’t keep going on like this.” Dr. Spaulding lectures as I step off the scale but I’m am waiting for Brian to explode.

“What do you mean five pounds? He is fifteen under his normal weight.” Brian growled 

The doctor talks to Brian and I about my eating and I tried to reassure them both that it would get better because I promised myself it would. The nausea is all gone basically now, and the only reason I still haven’t been eating is that I just haven’t been hungry. But I know that isn’t good for the baby, so I will make myself eat.

All three of us continue to talk as the doctor does other stuff including drawing my blood, which as soon as the blood starts flowing out of me and into the vial, I see Brian’s eyes lock on it and his face grows pale. It takes me a minute to realize what is wrong but as soon as I do, I grab Brian’s hand and slightly squeeze it to reassure him that I’m alright. Brian doesn’t like to ever see my blood and I know it brings back memories of the prom, so I do all I can to bring him out of his memories and back into the present.

Finally the doctor finished telling us all about Pre Partum depression and male pregnancy in general and while I did listen, I spent a lot of time watching Brian as he sat absorbing everything. I could tell by his posture and the look on his face that he was taking in everything that was said and committing it to memory and dissecting it all in his mind.

After all this is said and done, the doctor tells me that there is just one more thing and then she has me lay on the table and pull up my gown. I know what’s coming but it doesn’t prepare me in anyway for it at all. After the doctor applied what felt like lube to my stomach, and it was as cold as lube too, she pressed the wand of the ultrasound machine and after a few seconds, my whole life changed once again.

It changed when I saw the form of my child appear on the screen in front of me. I don’t know what I was expecting but it definitely wasn’t what I got. I could see my child with no difficulties at all. I could see the little person growing inside me and I fell in love with my baby in that instant. 

I heard a little gasp of air and I looked at Brian, only to find his eyes glued to the monitor and moist with unshed tears. I grab his hand at that second and waited until I had his attention before speaking the words we both needed to hear.

“I want to try too.”


	19. Overcome with Emotion

A Couple of Days Later

Brian’s POV

I’m shifting through the paper work on my desk trying to find the file I swear I had in my hand a moment ago. I have never been this disorganized in my life. I have all of these accounts that I have a chance of keeping if I can just pull off campaigns for them. I have no where to make them and I have no art department to create them.

A hand reaches over my shoulder and the file I need is in that hand and once again, for the millionth time, I am glad Cynthia is in my life and loyal to me. I know I need to address the art problem and I have a great idea as to how. But I don’t know if I should ask it, so I figure I will run it by Cynthia first. I value her opinion and I know she will give it to me straight.

“Cyn?”

“Yeah boss?”

“I think we need our own art department for this little venture and I want to ask Justin to do it. Do you think with the pregnancy he will be able to do it? I know he will say yes but do you think it’s a good idea with his pregnancy?”

“I think he would love to be your art department. He has always enjoyed helping you with campaigns and I don’t think it will be too much on him. I guess you could ask his doctor but I don’t see how that will be a problem.”

“Ok great, next on the agenda; what have you found for office space and houses? And with the accounts we have been able to keep, what can we actually afford for both?”

“Well, I have found some places for the office that you can afford but at this point with starting up cost and stuff, all you will be able to afford is starting up the business. You won’t be able to do the house too.”

“Fuck, I wanted to get Justin and the baby settled as soon as possible.”

“Well, if we can get all the contracts we are going for, it will not be a problem. Until then, whatever house you get and the business will be mortgaged up to your eye balls.”

“Well then, I guess we better get them.”

“Ok boss, I am going to run out and look at all these places while you get our art director on board.”

I watch as she leaves and I know that I am very lucky to have her and I promise myself that somehow I will make sure she knows that I can’t do this without her. But I can’t do this without an art director either and there is only one that I really want. So what I need to do is call him and get him over here so we can talk about it.

Justin and I have been avoiding all the big stuff but I know now is the time to deal with it so we can get on with our relationship. Humm, that’s getting easier for me to think about, the word at least. The fact of the matter is, that by both of us avoiding the issues, it doesn’t seem like we are even in one anymore and I refuse to let that continue, especially after he agreed that we could try.

I call Justin and ask him to come over and he must have understood the urgency in my voice because there was no arguing from him. He agreed to come over but he refused to allow me to come and get him, saying he would take the bus. That annoyed me but there was nothing I could do about it without starting a fight on the phone and I was afraid if I did that, he wouldn’t come over at all.

I hear the bell ring and I know it’s Justin and the fact that he rang the bell makes me seethe with anger for some reason. I go buzz him up, angry that he doesn’t use his key anymore even though I know he still has it. I yank the door open and wait for the sound of the elevator carrying him up here but it never comes. And a few minutes later I hear footsteps on the stairs and I realize that he has climbed the fucking stairs.

When I see him I am struck with the need to kiss him until we’re both breathless or scream at him until I am red in the face. I silently move aside and try to figure out what I’m going to do as he passes me. When he does pass me, I see a sheen of sweat coving his face and I automatically start worrying.

“Go sit down.” I tell him as I lead him to the couch, ignoring the weird look he has on his face.

I rush over to the refrigerator and grab him a bottle of water. I almost move to go back but I grab another one just in case. Then I rush back to Justin and thrust the first one in his hand.

“Drink,” I order.

Justin takes the cover off and takes a sip while looking at me funny and he goes to put the cover back on but I stay him with my hand.

“More.” I order once again but he slaps my hand away.

“What the fuck, Brian? I don’t want anymore.” He snaps while getting up.

I watch as he paces around the room and I go over to him and guide him down, not wanting him to get emotional or overexert himself. I don’t know how I’m going to get him to stay seated but I know I have to try.

“Ok, how about I order dinner and we have a talk?” I implore.

“Ok, sure.”

“What would you like?”

“Pizza.” He say predictably and I inwardly groan. ‘That can’t be good for the baby.’ But I know I can’t say that because it would cause another fight and just then, an idea pops into my head and I grin as I answer.

“No problem.”

I go over and shift through the massive amounts of take out menus that I have until I find the one I’m looking for and then I dial them from the kitchen so Justin can’t hear. 

After placing my order I go over to the couch and sit next to him, getting ready to launch into my spiel about him being the art director of my agency. I know I have to convince him because he is really the best to work with me. He’s like Cynthia, if I looked really really hard, I might be able to find some one who’s technically better. Although it would be a huge chore, but I would never finds someone who gets and me like them or can deal with me as well either.

“Ok, so here’s the thing. You know how I lost my job after the whole Stockwell thing?” I know I’m fumbling this when he gets a duh expression on his face.

“Of course.” He says anyway and lays his hand gently on my arm.

“Well, apparently the thing is that some of my clients only want to work with me…” I start before he cuts me off.

“So you are going to start Kinnetik?” The perceptive little shit asks excitedly.

“Yeah, that was the plan and Cynthia is going to join me.”

“Great.” Justin exclaims, just as excited.

“So I just need one more thing.”

“What? Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong. I just need an art director who can read my mind and is an incredibly talented artist. Do you think you know anyone who could fit that bill?” 

I watch as Justin studies my face and I know he is trying to see if I’m really making this offer or I’m just doing it because he was kicked out of school and I feel guilty. Finally he seems to find what he is looking for because his face lights up and he jumps up into my arms.

“Yes, I would so love that.”

“Don’t get so excited.” I tell him and push him back down.

Justin once again is looking at me weird and after a minute I see the realization of why I said that cross his face, along with a little annoyance. I know he is going to say something but I’m saved by the buzzer and I go to buzz in our food.

The delivery guy comes up and I pay him and send him on his way and then I go into the kitchen and get the food onto plates and then bring it into the living room to Justin. When I set the food in front of Justin, he just looks at his pizza for a minute and then he looks at me, the annoyance that was in his eyes is now full fledged anger.

“What the hell is this? It smells like ass.” Justin bitched.

“It’s pizza but it’s actually good for you and the baby.” 

“You knew I wouldn’t want to eat this so why the hell did you get it?” Justin demands.

“Just eat it, it’s nutritious.”

“I’m not eating that; the smell alone makes me wanna barf.” Justin screams in my face as he gets up before I can stop him and throws it in the trash.

Justin’s POV

I look back from the kitchen and I see Brian standing up and I know he wanted to stop me before I could dump the food in the trash but he had been too stunned to move fast enough. The anger that we feel is tangible in the room and I know that something inside of us needs to be healed right now. There is an incredible tension between us and I don’t know what it is. 

Then I look at Brian again and I realize I do know what it is. Both Brian and I are very tactile people and we have barely touched in a long time, much less had sex and it is driving our weird fight that much harder because it is keeping us disconnected. 

I walk over to Brian and I push him back into the sofa and he look up at me with lust and a little bit of fear in his eyes. I know that he wants me but he doesn’t want this to be all there is to us. I take a seat across from him and tell him to jerk off for me. I have a lot of plans for him but I want to see it first.

I sit across from Brian waiting for his move. I know that this will be good. He smirks at me and lean back while keeping eye contact the whole time. He slowly slides the zipper down on his pants and I lick my lips in anticipation.

Brian slowly pulls out his cock and I can see that it’s rock hard and leaking precum already and I lick my lips again, wanting so bad to taste him.

He slowly start to run his hand up and down his shaft and although I know he’s putting on a show to tease me, I know it feels good when he bites his lips to hold in a moan.

I watch as Brian starts really get into it and the precum weeps from his slit. Once the pleasure becomes too much for him, he closes his eyes and as soon as he does, I smile a little evil smirk and move towards him silently. Without making any noise and alerting him to my position, I move onto the floor in between his legs.

As another gush of precum rushes from his slit, I bend over and lap it up eliciting a gasp of shock and a moan of pleasure from Brian.

I growl “mine“ and push his hand away from his cock and then suck Brian’s cock into my mouth.

As I take him all the way into my mouth, I hear Brian moan when his dick hits the back of my throat.

Brian grabs a hold of the back of my head as I swallow around his cock and with a hiss of pleasure, he pushes my head down.

I know what he wants and I open my throat as he starts to thrust up into my mouth, fucking my face with his long, hard shaft.

As the minutes pass he start to fuck my face faster and faster, nearly choking me with his cock.

I love the way Brian’s using me for his pleasure and I moan around him as he grabs my hair and pulls it hard, pulling my mouth off his cock.

He immediately stands up and feeds me his cock again, without letting go of the vice grip he has on my hair and starts fucking my face harder.

I am swallowing as quickly as I can, trying to get as much of his precum down my throat as he quickly and deeply fucks my face.

I feel Brian’s balls tighten as he goes into his orgasm and I can’t wait to drink it but he doesn’t cum, he pulls out of my mouth and grips my hair, pulling me to my feet.

I look at Brian questioningly but he doesn’t answer my unspoken question, he just drags me over to the arm of the couch, push me over it, drag my pants down, and plunges into me without warning.

I cry out at the burn of the stretch and the intense pleasure but Brian doesn’t give me time to adjust, he just start pounding into my unresisting body over and over again.

“Oh God, yes” I hiss as he takes me hard.

“Fuck, you’re tight.” Brian cries into my ear while pulling my head back by my hair.

Brian pounds in unrelentingly and I can hear our skin slap together and I want so much more.

“Please, oh God, please.” I beg.

“Fuck yeah, say it.” Brian demands in a harsh voice because he knows exactly what I want.

“God, just please.”

“No, say it.” He demands again, yanking my hair again.

“Please God, just fuck me harder.” 

“Yes.” I sob out as Brian continues to thrust inside me.

He continues on for another few minutes at the same punishing pace until I feel him start to hit my prostate on every push and I feel my toes start to curl as my orgasm approaches.

I feel my balls draw up and release spurt after spurt of my hot seed. I feel my anus contract around Brian’s hard cock and before I have even got half way through my orgasm, I feel a booming heat inside me and it carries my orgasm higher to know that Brian just came inside me. And as he hits the peak of his orgasm, he once again cries in my ear.

“God, I love you so much.”

I relax into the love he feels for me and as I’m about to say the words back Brian jumps up, the look on his face clearly says he’s freaking out.

“Oh God, what did I do? I’m a fucking monster.” Brian cries as he throws on his clothes and before I can intercept him, he is out the door and I know I need to find him fast.

 

 

AN: Sorry about the wait, my muse is still giving me trouble. Truthfully I hate this chapter and I’m sorry if it’s as bad as I think it is. I rewrote it like ten times literally but I still can’t make myself happy with it. I hope you guys don’t hate it too. But I do actually like the sex scene, I hope you liked it too. It’s the first time I wrote a sex scene like that and I had help. So I hope you like.

Thanks to Lois for the wonderful beta'ing and the props for the chapter title goes to Lois as well.


	20. Working It Out

Thanks to Lois for beta'ing for me and Gale for leaving my muse alone so I could write. lol 

Justin’s POV

As Brian leaves I scramble to get my clothes on so I can follow him. I know what’s wrong and I’m even pretty sure where he is going. The only thing is getting there before he decides he is the worst person in the world. As soon as I’m dressed, I call a cab as I’m trudging down the steps and as I wait for it to show up, I go over in my mind what I’m going to say to Brian.

Brian has spent most of his life afraid that he would end up being just like his father and with me being pregnant and him doing something, that for some reason he sees as violence, I will need to reassure him in a way that I have never really had to before. 

It’s not like we have never had rough sex before because we have, but Brian has always been wary of it because he loves me and the worst thought in his mind would be hurting me, but I know that we needed that. We needed to touch each so much plus we needed to work out our anger, not only at each other, but at the situation that we find ourselves in.

The sex was great and I’ll feel him inside me for days to come but that’s just what I wanted. The only problem, is that I didn’t think about how Brian would react to taking me that way and as the cab pulls up and I jump in, I’m cringing inside at what he must be thinking of himself right now.

The cab ride there seems to take no time at all and when we get onto the road, I see Brian’s Jeep parked right where I thought it would be and I silently steel myself for this talk. I know I have to do it right or Brian will always think that he is like Jack. 

I get out of the cab and pay the driver while Brian’s words ring through my head. ‘I’m a monster.’ When the truth is that anyone who knows him would know is that he is anything but. He is the kindest, most gentle man I have ever met; you just have to get through the hard shell to realize it.

I walk up to him and plop down on the ground beside him, not saying anything for the moment, just staring out at the water with him. I know I can’t be the first one to talk, I have to wait for him to let me in or anything I say will be ignored.

After a few minutes with the silence growing and growing around us, I slowly slip my hand into his, hoping that he won’t push me away. I nearly cry with relief when he just lets me hold his hand.

“I’m sorry and I know that I said sorry’s bullshit, but I am.” Brian says softly, finally breaking the silence.

“What for?” I ask even though I know just why he’s apologizing.

“You know what for, don’t do that Justin.” Brian snarks.

“You’re apologizing for doing something that we both wanted, hell that I started, and you expect me just to take it. You did nothing wrong Brian. I’m not hurt, the baby’s fine and you are not a fucking monster.” I say, my voice rising on every word so that by the end of my statement, I’m almost yelling the words at him.

“But you’re pregnant and I shouldn’t have…” Brian starts but I cut him off.

“I’m pregnant Brian, not broken. Have had sex, a little roughly yeah, but shit, if a header down a flight of stairs didn’t move this kid then your dick isn’t going to do it.” I bitch knowing that using the fall down the stairs is a low blow but I have to get through to him before he disappears behind his walls completely. This is one more instance where I want nothing more than to beat the shit out of his parents for the damage they have done to him. I thank God once again that Jack is dead because I’m not sure I could help myself if he wasn’t.

Brian looks at me and I can tell he is weighing the truth in my words and after a few minutes I’m afraid that I haven’t said enough, when he shifts ever so slightly and brings my back flush with his chest and right then I know he is alright, we are alright.

“What the hell are we going to do, Brian?” I ask in all seriousness after a few minutes of us just holding onto each other.

“We’re going to have a baby, start an ad agency, and buy a house to have that baby in.” He answers right away and I know he has thought about this a lot.

“A house?” I ask, knowing that he has thought this through and wondering what kind of house he sees us in.

“Yeah, your country manor, somewhere in the suburbs.” 

“And a white picket fence and a dog?” I ask sarcastically. “That’s not you.”

“I’ve always wanted a dog.” He says in this quiet voice and I immediately shut up and concentrate on what he is saying because I know he is letting me in and if I don’t do and say the right thing, this moment will be once again lost behind his walls. So I just stay silent, giving him my love and attention with a squeeze to his thigh.

“My parents would never let me have one. My mother always said they were too messy and Jack always said I was already a useless mouth to feed; why would he want another.” Brian continues in that same tone, looking out at the lake with sadness in his eyes. I know now is my time to talk and I know I have to say it right, so with a deep breath in, here I go.

“Cool, all little boys should have a dog. I wasn’t allowed one when I was a kid either, so we should get one. Fuck ‘em.” I wait and pray that this was the right approach for this and after a minute I start to doubt it and then he starts talking.

“Ok but I’m not having a little runt dog.” Brian states. 

The discussion is over and we’ll get a dog and the country manor but somehow I’ll have to make that more Brian because I know he is getting it for me and also that it will drive him crazy. But I will fight that battle when we come to it, right now we have to talk our problems out without fighting.

We sit there on the shore of the lake for almost two hours talking about everything, getting everything out. We bring up all the stuff that we have ever said or did that hurt the other, whether consciously or unconsciously, and even though some of it hurt just to say, somehow we get through it. 

Finally after tears and lots of pain, we are in each other’s arms and we are better then we have ever been and I feel like nothing can stop us. Also we talked about our wants and plans for the future, and although I’m still not sure about Brian in a country manor, I love that he wants to do it for me and the baby; his words about the changes keep running through my head, even though they weren’t really a surprise to me.

“I might not see that for myself, but even if I didn’t have you to do it for, I want something specific for my child’s life. I want him or her to know that they are number one in our lives and I want them to never have to doubt that they are loved.”

That was not all of his explanation but it’s the part that stuck with me the most because I know that Brian never felt loved as a child and what’s more, is that he knew it because his piece of shit parents didn’t miss an opportunity to point it out. This also affected his ability to believe that he was lovable because if the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, basically hate you; who would love you is his thoughts and I don’t blame him for thinking that way, but a lot of people do love Brian.

The only problem is, that because of Brian’s hard shell, the people who love him don’t tell him enough because we are never sure of his reaction but I’ve decided that I have had enough. So from now on, no matter what, I’m always going to tell Brian I love him whenever I feel like it.

“I love you.” I tell him and I don’t expect it back, so the silence that falls after I say it isn’t uncomfortable to me.

“I love you too.” he whispers in my ear after a minute and although I want to jump for joy, I just snuggle into him deeper.

 


	21. Telling

Thanks to  Lois for the beta'ing, and to my readers for trying to be patient with the long delays because I'm finding this story hard to write this chapter is a little long so I hope it makes up for it a little.

 

The Next Night

Brian’s POV

Justin and I went to the clinic today and had all our testing done because of our little raw escapade yesterday and through countless talks in the last twenty-four hours. I no longer feel like cutting my dick off for what I did but I still feel like shit, you know. I should never have put him at risk like that, not to mention taking him without lube and so roughly. God, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. Justin has gotten me to stop identifying myself with Jack but it still doesn’t excuse my behavior.

“Brian, enough.” Justin says for what seems like the hundredth time.

“I just shou…” I start.

“No Brian, enough. Okay, it was rough but I wanted it as much as you. We just needed to do it that way. I don’t know why we did it, really anymore then you do but I guess we just had to get it all out. Plus we hadn’t been together in a long long long time.”

“It wasn’t that long.” I chuckle.

“For us it was.” Justin says grabbing my hand and tugging me towards the bed.

“You want to have sex now?” I ask in wonder. “Aren’t you still sore?” 

“Yes, but you aren’t.” Justin says with a little smirk on his face and I follow him into the bedroom knowing that we might not be all better yet but we’re working on it.

We both crawl into bed and I know that he’ll be topping tonight and although I would never admit this to anyone, well except maybe him, I love it when he’s inside me. He learned from the best and he took to his studies well.

Once I have had enough of his incessant teasing, I roll over and lift my ass in the air so quickly he almost is thrown off the bed and ends up with his face only inches from my ass.

“Umm nice.” he hisses, making his exhaled breath flow over my already hungry hole.

“Enough Justin, don’t tease me.” I demand through clenched teeth.

Justin doesn’t answer; instead he shoves his face right between my ass cheeks and starts eating me out with abandonment. We both love to taste the other one and we equally love to be rimmed and I’m trying to keep up the Kinney façade but when Justin starts tongue fucking me, I start moaning and begging him to fuck me. I pride myself on remain stoic while having sex and making little noise but with Justin I just can’t ever seem to keep quiet.

I pass Justin back the condom and lube so he’ll hurry up and then he stops altogether. At first I think he’s putting on the condom and so I wait for a second. Well, maybe he’s teasing me so I wiggle my ass at him which always either makes him growl with lust or giggle, cause it’s more of a him type of thing but when I hear neither I get worried so I turn around.

“Justin?” I call to him but he doesn’t answer.

And then I notice where Justin’s eyes are, he is looking at the condom in his hand and I know that we just fell into a situation that I hoped to never be in with Justin again but I only have myself to blame for being here.

“Justin?” I call again, putting my hand on top of the one of his that’s holding the condom.

Justin looks up at me with so many questions in his eyes and not a little bit of pain. I know I can’t address the pain right now because the pain is what my infidelities, funny that I would think of tricking that way, from when we first met on have caused but I know I need to answer the questions.

“Justin, it was a huge mistake that could have gotten you sick.” I say in a grave voice, hoping to break through what I know he must be thinking.

“I know it was a mistake Brian, I really do but…” Justin trails off.

“But what, Justin? There really isn’t a but when it comes to your safety. I was serious when we talked about this before, I don’t want you to do anything that could make you sick.” I try to explain gently.

“But what if we wanted to have another child down the road Brian?” Justin questions, looking up at me pleadingly.

I look at him surprise because I haven’t thought of another child, not surprisingly, but I wouldn’t have thought that he had either. I mean shit, we haven’t even had the one and seen if we could do that well and he’s thinking about another one. I mean I want this child we’re having but I’m not even remotely ready to think about having another one. The question is how to tell Justin this without hurting him.

“Justin, do you want to have another baby right away because…”

“No, Brian I wasn’t thinking about right away, but I mean you said before never and I just don’t want it to be never.” Justin says cutting me off.

“What, we never talked about having…oh you mean about going raw.” I say as it dawns on me what he is saying. “Justin, it’s just so not safe and I guess with the thought of another child, if and when that comes up, we could always use a clinic like the girls did.” I say trying to get through to Justin.

“What about after a whole year?” Justin says with hope in his eyes.

“What?”

“If we were both not tricking for a year then we can do it?” Justin says, his hope still evident.

“Justin, you know I can’t promise monogamy, no one can.”

“I know Brian; I know that you’ll only be faithful unless you find someone you want to do.” Justin says this without malice in his voice but as he says it like that, I realize how callous it is. “But I’m just saying if it were to happen then could we?” I can’t think about how horrible that sounded to me now, even though it’s all that’s running through my mind, so I concentrate on the rest of it.

“Five, if we both make it five years then we will discus it again. And I said discus it, not that it would happen.”

“Two.”

“Justin, this isn’t a negotiation.”

“Three.” He returns with his blue eyes as big and pleading as they’ll go.

“Fine three, now are you going to ever fuck me.” I bitch, trying to push away all thoughts for the moment and Justin seems to agree because he immediately begins to devour my body again, this time with a grin on his lips as well.

A Few Weeks Later

Once again we are sitting at the doctor’s office and making sure my babies are all right. Justin has put on a little more weight, of course that could be because I have been pushing food into his face at every opportunity but the doctor seems pleased.

There have still been moments over the last couple weeks where I was so worried about him because he seemed so sad and I couldn’t pull him out of it. He was so depressed that I almost felt that I should hide the knives but I think that we had both worked at it hard enough and he seemed to always beat the thing inside him that was making him feel that way.

And not to say that we haven’t fought for all this time because, well come on it’s us, but we seem to have learned how to stop it before it becomes something that is going to be painful for one, if not both of us.

We leave the doctor’s about a half an hour later and I know I still have the dumb grin on my face from once again seeing my baby nestled inside of my baby. I never went through all this stuff with Lindsay and Gus but now I’m so sorry I didn’t. These things make you feel so much closer to the baby before he or she arrives and I would have known way before I did that I didn’t want to give up my parental rights to Gus and maybe we could have figured something out.

But it’s too late to worry about that and I have more to worry about with what’s happening tonight. Tonight we are letting the entire family in on our secret and both of us are terrified. We are worried about what everyone is going to think because the truth is we’re going to need them. 

We’ve talked about it and we have considered all the possible outcomes and we figure that Emmett will definitely be with us as well as Daphne and Vic. One the other side of the coin we are also pretty sure that Jennifer, Michael, and Lindsay will have a shit fit about it. The ones that neither us are very sure about are Deb. Mel, and Ted; not that Ted matters all that much anyway.

A few hours later Justin and I are putting the finishing touches on the loft and volleying back and forth what we think people are going to be thinking; the reasons that we are throwing this party. The reasons started out serious but quickly grew insane from there.

“You’re having surgery so you can finally, literally be the biggest asshole there is.”

“Not, I’m the top remember.”

“Whatever you say Brian, whatever you say.”

“You’ve decided to give up art and become a professional nag.”

“Oh really.”

And it went down hill from there, or uphill whatever way you look at it because I ended up fucking him against the wall behind the kitchen before the guests showed up, so it was all good to me.

The doorbell rings as we put the finishing touches on the table. I don’t know why we went through so much trouble for the ‘family’ or why if we were going to, we couldn’t just hire a caterer but for some reason it was important to Justin and it wasn’t something I was going to allow to stress him out. Meaning he started freaking and I gave in, God I can’t wait until he has the baby so I don’t have to worry about his mental state.

Once everyone from the gang was in the loft, they were all talking and trying to get what this was about out of us and we once again blew them off. Just then the buzzer rang again and the entire gang looked around trying o figure out who wasn’t there. I go and push the release button and two minutes later Jennifer and Molly were at the door. 

"What is going on Justin? Brian?" Jennifer asked as soon as she was inside. 

"Yeah that’s what we’ve been asking. Maybe now that you’re here we can get down to it." Deb said loudly as she shoved an appetizer in her mouth. 

"Nope, we’re still waiting." Justin answers, coming to my side. 

"Who isn’t here?" Mikey whines as Justin rolls his eyes because to Michael the whole world begins and ends with the gang. 

"That would be me." A little whirlwind rushes in the door. 

"Hey Daph, how the hell did you get in?" Justin says, hugging the nearly squealing girl. 

"I snuck in with a neighbor." Daph answers as she looks around the room. 

"So we’re all here now, right? So you can tell us what all this intrigue is about right?" 

"Okay, fine. God, you people are impatient. Alright everyone, sit down. Justin and I have some news." Justin and I watch as they all grab a seat even as they grumble about us being drama queens. 

"This better be good after all this, Kinney." Mel bitches as only she can. 

"Well," I say and look at Justin and I know he’s going to finish this statement. "I’m pregnant." 

I look around and can’t believe what I’m seeing, besides Daphne who already knew, the entire group is stunned to silence. Half the faces show horrified surprise and the other half just look dumbfounded. The horrified we could have done without but I for one am crowning at the shock. I love making a splash and this one is fucking spectacular. 

"What the hell? How did this happen?" 

"You better do the right fucking thing." 

"God, couldn’t you guys have been more careful." 

"What is he going to do now?" 

"Are you going to get rid of it?" 

Those and seemingly a thousand more questions are fired at us rapid fire to the point where I don’t know about Justin but I don’t have any idea where they are coming from. But that last one caught me and I couldn’t listen to this shit anymore. 

"Shut the fuck up!" I scream over the wave of voices. 

And it actually works; everyone within ear shot stops talking and stares at me somewhat apprehensively.

“We, of course, are going to keep our baby.” Justin says with hurt in his voice and I want to kill whoever said that so I put an arm around him lending my support silently. 

“We have been through all this and we are keeping the baby and we’re going to raise him or her together as a real couple.” I say and Justin beams at me.

“A real couple? Since when can you two even be considered a real couple?” Lindsay says snidely, looking down her waspish nose at us.

“Fuck you Lindsay.” I growl and before I can continue, I feel Justin’s hand on the small of my back, now he’s giving me the strength to deal.

“I just meant that Justin is only nineteen and you have about the emotional maturity of a nineteen year old so how do you think you can raise a child, Brian? You barely even take Gus for more then a night and when you have him for a weekend, which is rare, you can’t wait for us to take him back. You won’t be able to do this with this child Brian, it be twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. No more going to Babylon four or five night a week. Brian, this is everything you never wanted.” Lindsay finishes to a silent room as we have all be listening to every word she said.

And I have to admit, not out loud of course but through some of her speech, I was terrified that she was right and I wouldn’t be able to pull this off. I was afraid that, like my father, I would be a shitty father just in a different way because I know I would never hit my child. But once again it was the last sentence that got me.

“No, Lindsay,” I started leaning an imperceptibility into Justin’s hand. “It’s everything I’ve never allowed myself to dream I could have. I thought I was worthless and unlovable so I didn’t love anyone. And I thought I might turn out like Jack so I was never going to have children.” I say all this not believing that I’m sharing this much with these people and I look around the room and see all the stunned faces and then my gaze lands on Daphne and Jennifer and they both look…proud…of me. This gives me a boost of confidence, not only that they believe what I’m saying but also that Jennifer will be behind us when I would have bet she would be on the opposite side. I go to continue but I feel Justin’s hand move off my back and onto my arm and I know he wants to speak now.

“Okay. I’m so done with this; we didn’t ask you here so you could argue about it. We invited you here so you could share in our good news.” “Good news?” Lindsay cuts him off to snort. 

“Listen, I have no idea what your problem is Lindsay, but you need to get over it. We are going to have a baby and you need to deal because nothing you say is going to change that.” Justin says with a hardness in his voice that I don’t think the others have ever really seen before.

“Don’t talk to me like…” Lindsay starts, only to be cut off by Melanie.

“Enough Lindsay.” Melanie says with a combination of anger and pleading in her voice. I know that this is a deeper subject than what is being touched on here but I don’t think right here right now is the best time to go into this.

For a few moments after Lindsay is finally quiet and everyone in the room sort of just looks at her as if waiting for her to say something, some of them looking with curiosity and some were shooting daggers at her, well at least Daphne and Jennifer were. Finally the silence has gone on too long and I have to fix it.

“Okay everyone, I know you’re waiting to get at the food so let actually start this celebration.”

After a couple seconds indecision, everyone started moving about the room, talking and eating and eventually it was almost like the outbursts had never happened. Justin and I stood slightly to the side and watched everyone settle down and the tension in the room melt away for the most part. Within ten minutes people started to come up to us individually.

“I was so right.” Daphne, who comes up first, laughs in Justin’s face.

“Yeah, yeah one time in a million, I mean you had to be right about something eventually.” Justin answers back in the teasing way that only best friends can really pull off.

The two of then continue to bicker back and forth and I know that Justin is going to be fine with her so I leave them alone to get him something to eat. I’m not worried about leaving him with her because I know she won’t let anyone say anything to him that will upset him; she is like a pit bull.

As I’m walking back to join them with a plate piled high with all sorts of healthy food for Justin even though I know he will bitch about there being nothing good on the plate, I’m intercepted by Mikey, oh joy.

“Brian!?” Mikey whines and even though I have a feeling, okay I know that this isn’t going to be something that I want to hear, I acknowledge him.

“What Michael?” I ask and I know when I hear my voice I wasn’t able to hide all the irritation that I’m feeling.

“You know he just got pregnant to trap you with him. He knew you were going to get tired of him always hanging around and you would tell him you didn’t want him anymore so he got pregnant so you can’t do that. He just wants to change you.” Mikey babbles on but I’m not really paying any attention to what he is saying because I know his opinion and I don’t really want to hear it. 

“Brian, are you listening to me? It’s probably not even yours, he probably let that Ethan fuck him raw, the slut, and now…” “You need to shut the fuck up right now Michael because you are treading on very thin ice.” I cut him off by growling loudly and I know that I have caught the attention of a couple of the others but Michael seems oblivious to this fact.

“You don’t get how much of a whore he is, Brian. I mean he basically prostituted himself out to get Kip to go away.” Michael continues, even though he is getting closer to getting hurt and people are hanging on his every word.

“I swear to fucking God Michael, you need to shut the fuck up right now or I won’t be responsible for my actions.” I hiss at him in anger.

“What, are you going to hit me again over that twink, Brian?” Michael sneers and I notice that now we have everyone’s attention and Daphne is holding Justin back from interfering. 

“Keep talking and I will,” I start and I see many people step up at that, in front is Ben, bent on protecting his partner, “but this time Mikey everyone will know what you said because I’m through taking the blame for you. It’s over, you have Ben now and he’s a good guy so it’s time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your own actions.” Now those who stepped up when I started talking are still there at Michael’s side but I can tell they’re confused by what is being said.

“This has nothing to do with me or Ben; it has to do with you letting that little slut take advantage of you again, and fuck it Brian, you know I was right.” 

Justin’s POV

Brian leaves me and Daphne talking and picking at each other in the way we always do and I watch him leave and go over to the food table. I laugh at something Daph says and then groan inwardly because I realize that Brian is getting me food, he’s passing up all the things I would pick to eat and getting me the healthiest foods there. God, why does healthy have to mean nasty too. I know he is going to bring me that plate and expect me to eat that food.

We have been talking but I still can’t get him to stop treating me like I’m sick instead of pregnant. I’m listening to Daphne but watching Brian. I can never take my eyes off him, I don’t know how I got so lucky to have him love me but I thank my lucky stars everyday because he does.

I almost groan out loud when Michael intercepts Brian but I keep it to myself and continue to watch. After a few minutes I have given up the pretense of talking to Daphne as I watch Brian get more and more pissed at whatever Michael is saying to him. I try to go over there to interrupt but Daphne, who by this time is watching as well, puts a restraining hand on my arm.

“Let it be.” She says simply.

“But…” I start.

“No Justin, this has been a long time coming and Brian can handle it himself, you just be there to pick up the pieces.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of, he doesn’t do that well when him and Michael fight.” I try to explain.

“Justin you know this needs to happen just let it be.” She says again and I know she’s right but I don’t like it when Brian hurts and this will hurt him no matter what the outcome.

We are too far away to hear what’s going on but I can tell neither Brian or Michael are happy and then Brian’s voice comes across loud and clear.

“You need to shut the fuck up right now Michael, because you are treading on very thin ice.” 

Oh, this is going to be very bad and now almost everyone in the room have caught onto the conversation going on and I know soon everyone will. God, this is going to be so fucking bad and Daphne still won’t let go of my arm.

“You don’t get how much of a whore he is, Brian. I mean he basically prostituted himself out to get Kip to go away.” 

Fuck, I see the look flirt across Brian’s face and I regret that he had to find out about Kip this way and I know we are going to have a talk about that later. Well, it won’t be much of a talk, more like me explaining what I did and him screaming at me for being so stupid. But how did Michael find out and how the fuck can he even say I prostituted myself, urg I so want to hurt him. And everyone is listening now and at that, they all shoot a look at me and I face all of them head on, not allowing their thoughts to get to me.

“I swear to fucking God Michael, you need to shut the fuck up right now or I won’t be responsible for my actions.” “What, are you going to hit me again over that twink, Brian?” “Keep talking and I will.”

Shit, I can’t do anything as Ben rushes towards them to ‘save’ Michael and I’m afraid that Brian is going to hit him again because Michael just never knows when to stop. And their words make me wonder for what has to be the millionth time why Brian hit him in the first place. I want to be able to go to Brian, to protect him but Daphne keeps holding me back. I’ve had enough though and struggle and break her hold; I’m going to Brian.

“You are pregnant Justin, even if something were to happen, which I don’t think it really will, you’re pregnant so you have to stay out of it for the baby’s sake.” Fuck, I hate it when she’s right, God, please don’t make me stand here when Brian gets hurt, I’ll die if I see him get hurt. I know I’m being overly dramatic but they don’t call me drama princess for nothing. I tone Daphne out as much as I can as Brian continues.

“But this time Mikey everyone will know what you said because I’m through taking the blame for you. It’s over, you have Ben now and he’s a good guy, so it’s time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your own actions.” I’m trying to control tears at what is happening, although I’m not sure why; fucking pregnancy, but I also know that there is no way this is going to end up well.

“This has nothing to do with me or Ben, it has to do with you letting that little slut take advantage of you again and fuck it Brian, you know I was right.” 

I hear a little cry of horror and I don’t even really think about who made the noise when Brian once again punches Michael in the face and Ben grabs his arms and pulls him away from Michael. The only thing is this time Brian’s not silent, he’s screaming at Michael and everyone is getting an education on what can make Brian punch his best friend, not once but twice.

“Fuck you. How can you say that? You said last time that you didn’t mean it but obviously you were lying. How can you even think to wish him dead, you fucking asshole.” Brian screams and Ben in surprise loosens his hold on Brian. As soon as the grip on his arms is loosened, Brian breaks free and tries to go towards Michael again but at the last second Ben grabs him again, fearing Brian will hit him again, although I don’t think he would.

“We are done and I refuse to take the blame for you ever again so I’m going to tell everyone what you said and see how many people are still mad at me for punching you.” Brian says and then he gestures to me and I know that he wants me at his side while he says this. I know I won’t want to hear whatever it is that Michael said twice now. I know that it has something to do with me dying and the scary part is, that obviously it isn’t the worst part.

I stand in Brian’s arms while he tells everyone what happened at the party at Lindsay and Melanie’s when he originally hit Michael and we had all just heard him say that he was right in what he said and as soon as they heard, the entire family erupted in chaos.

“What the fuck were you thinking?”

“How the hell could you say something like that?”

“What the hell has he ever done to do?”

“You weren’t taught hate, why would you even think that?” Debbie’s voice saying this was tearful.

“How dare you say something like that,” My mother punctuated her statement with a slap in the face and silence reigned for a moment, shocked at her loss of her waspy control. “He is a million times better man than you and you prove it by just saying it and to Brian especially when, if you’re his best friend, you should know how much that would hurt him.” 

I can tell she wants to continue to rip him apart but I can’t deal with anymore of this, so I softly put my hand on her arm and as soon as she feels it, she calms down.

“I want to thank everyone here who is supporting Brian and I. I just want to say that it’s good to know who your real friends are and as for the rest of the drama, fuck it, I just couldn’t care less at this point. The only thing really important is the baby, Brian and I and where as I would love the rest of my friends at my side, I can’t make myself care that much. So if you’re with us, be with us and if not, you can go fuck yourselves. Now I’m tired and I’m going to bed.”


	22. Dinner at Deb's

AN: I have to apoligiz for the long long wait but here's another chapter and thanks to my patient readers and to my beta's Lois and Helen 

 

Almost Five Months Later

Brian’s POV

I watch with a slight grin on my face as Justin waddles to the door, but I know better than to let him see the grin or to call it waddling out loud, I like my head, thank you very much. But the truth is that I couldn’t imagine a more beautiful sight than Justin with his rounded body that now is at the perfect weight for how far along he is.

We have gone through a lot of stuff in the last few months with his depression and his declaration to the ‘family’ but we are stronger now than I ever thought possible. I know I’m still too ‘overprotective’, at least that’s what he says but I love him so much and I don’t want anything to happen to him.

I mean I don’t think that I’m overprotective because I won’t let him do some things, like man he bitches because I won’t let him go to Babylon but he doesn’t need to be exposed to all that smoke, it’s bad for him and the baby. And driving, he bitches because I never let him drive, shit, I hardly let him drive before he was pregnant, I sure as hell am not going to let him do it now.

Lost in my thoughts I almost miss when Justin goes to open the heavy loft door by himself but at the last minute I notice and rush over to pull it back myself, earning a glare and a hissed ‘I can do it’. I’ve been on the receiving end of this treatment enough that I just shrug and walk out the door behind him.

We get to the Jeep and I can tell that Justin’s reluctant to go even though he’ll basically agree to go anywhere now just to get out of the house. But just the thought of where we are going is making him think of staying home, which tells me how serious it is for him because I think he would go to a strip joint to get out of the house, a female strip joint.

Noting Justin’s legs moving erratically, I don’t even have to look down to see what he is doing. The moment he gets anywhere that’s not outside be it the Jeep, the diner, or anywhere else, he immediately slips whatever is on his feet off because his feet have been swollen basically the entire time since he was about four months along.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I ask once again because anyone could see he’s reluctant, it’s written in every line of his body.

“Yes, just drive.” he says in a weary voice.

I lean over and give him a kiss on the neck before I do as he asks and pull the Jeep onto the road.

“Brian, you’re not even going to speed limit, speed the fuck up!” Justin snaps in an irritated voice.

I look down at the speedometer and fight rolling my eyes at myself when I realize I’m going ten miles under the speed limit but I say nothing and speed up to the speed limit. As I take the first turn that will lead me to our destination, I think about why we’re going here in the first place.

After Justin made his declaration to the ‘family’, I stood beside his decision and told them all to leave before going to the bedroom and comforting my distraught lover. The ‘family’ was at first surprised by Justin’s actions and my support of it and then they seemed to think that it was just hormones and he would get over it. But when it became apparent that this was how it was going to be, the ‘family’ stood on two sides, as if battle lines had been drawn.

The sides were both as fiercely for what they believed was right and there was no budging. Standing beside us was Deb, Jen, Molly, Em, Ben, Vic, Daph and…MEL. Yes, I’m not kidding, Mel. And of course on the other side of the coin is Michael, Lindsay and Ted, but fuck Ted, he’s just jealous.

Interaction between the whole family has been strained because of this and Justin and I haven’t been to a family dinner since. But that is all about to change, it seems that lately the people on our side, especially Ben and Mel, have been talking to Michael, Lindsay and I don’t know what they said to Justin but he agreed to go to this family dinner.

We pull up to Deb’s house and I don’t move as I watch Justin trying to shove his feet back in his shoes so I jump out and go over to help him. I get the customary glare and protest that I get whenever I try to do anything for him but he lets me do it because it is really hard on him although he refuses to admit it.

We make our way to the house and before we walk in, both us take a deep breath, hoping that all will go well. I open the door and walk in first but wait for Justin behind me and the entire room stops. I’ve always been one for big entrances so we’re about twenty minutes late but there is also the added fact that we haven’t been to one for so long.

We don’t get past the entrance way before I’m basically pushed out of the way so everyone can take Justin in their arms and tell him how glad they are to see him, how healthy he looks, bla bla bla. Everyone I notice, except for Michael and Lindsay who don’t even get out of their seats.

I look at the both of them sternly to let them know that no matter what, they better behave, although once I found out that Justin was insisting on this dinner I had called them both and told them how things better go. The last thing Justin needs right now is drama, he is doing pretty good with this pregnancy despite everything and I won’t let them ruin it.

After I finally pry Justin from the hands of our ‘family’, or at least most of it, hell even Ted came over and said he missed us, of course it was followed by a snarky comment at me but it wouldn’t be us if it was any other way. Once we are all seated around the table, Deb has dished out the food, and we are all eating and as always, we start to talk about anything and everything. This is one of the things that I love about family dinners although I would never admit it to anyone but maybe Justin, but when we all start talking like this, it reminds me of a real family, as if Deb and Vic were really all of our parents and this was just a normal family occurrence instead of people who happen to have met each other and formed their own version of a family.

When dinner was over we all broke off into different groups to talk, some of us going into the living room and some staying in the kitchen. Justin and I went into the living room and instead of sitting in the arm chair because of Justin’s added girth and how uncomfortable he has been lately; we sat side by side on the couch.

Soon I was actually engrossed in Emmett’s story of his latest love gone wrong and even though I was making cutting comments about it as usual, I was listening. After only a few minutes I see Justin struggling to get up and I lend a hand in an unobvious way and he heads to the bathroom for the second time since we got here. I watch until he makes it up the stairs and then turn back to what Em is saying.

Justin’s POV

I’m going to the bathroom for what seems like the millionth time today and I have to say although I’m happy to be having Brian’s baby, I can’t wait until I’m done being pregnant. I hate all the side effects but I just have to keep reminding myself what is going to come out of this. When I finish in the bathroom I walk out into the hall, only to be cornered by Michael, oh joy.

“I don’t know what the fuck you think you are going to pull off but let me tell you I won’t let you do whatever it is you think you are going to do to Brian.” Michael sneered in my face, forcing me to back into the wall to get away from his anger.

“Michael, I don’t know what you are talking about and I really don’t need your shit. Brian and I are in a relationship and it has nothing to do with you. You need to get the fuck over it.” I hiss, fed up with Michael.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about you little prick, you just got pregnant to trap Brian, hell it’s probably not even his baby is it? That’s what you did, you got knocked up by someone else to trap Brian and I for one won’t let you get away with it.” Michael almost yells in my face, only barely keeping his voice low enough not to be heard down stairs.

“Fuck you Michael; you have no idea what you’re talking about so butt the fuck out.” I demand.

As soon as the words are out of my mouth I whirl away from him and head back down, needing to put as much space between me and him as I can. When I near about half way down the stairs, a slight pain hits me and I grab the railing in surprise. I look down at my stomach where the pain originated from and lay a comforting hand on it, figuring that because I was stressed it made the baby kick me in a weird way because I have never felt this pain before but it wasn’t bad so I shrug it off.

Back down stairs I settle in beside Brian once again and even though he is in a conversation with Vic and Em, he immediately looks to me and I can tell by the look on his face that he knows something isn’t right.

“What’s wrong?” Brian leans over and whispers in my ear.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” I try to reassure him but he just sends me that this isn’t over look and slips his arm around me before turning back to the conversation. I know he would like nothing more than to address it now but that he won’t embarrass me like that, thank God.

A while later I’m finally able to drag myself away from Brian again and I head out to find something to munch on, like I’m not fat enough. I’m rummaging around in the refrigerator when I feel a presence behind me, before I stand up all I can think is, ‘let it be someone other then Michael’.

As I stand up all I can think now is ‘shit’ because my wish had come true and it wasn’t Michael but just as bad if the look on her face was anything to go by; it was Lindsay.

“So whose baby is it really Justin, because you and I both know it’s not Brian’s?” she asks in a waspy voice.

“Lindsay, I have no idea what your problem is but I won’t say this more than once, the baby is Brian’s and we are together and there is nothing you can do about it. So stop this before you damage your relationship with not only me, but with Brian as well, so bad it can’t be repaired.” I answer her back just as waspy.

We continue to argue in hushed tones for another few minutes until the pain hits me again but this time it’s much harder and it almost takes my feet out from under me. I don’t know what’s going on but I know something’s wrong as another pain hits me and I do fall to the floor calling out to Brian.

“Brian!!!???”


	23. Causes of Stress

_Finally here is another chapter of APS, wanna thank you all for being patient with me and my struggle to keep real life from taking over 100% of my time. And as aways I have to give thanks to my reads and reviewers, my beta's (Lois and Helen), my banner maker(Eka), and all my friends who let me use them as sounding boards for my writing(Rena and Kourt)._  

 

 

Brian’s POV

I’m staring straight ahead and all I can see is the plain white of these hospital walls. I will never understand why they make hospitals so cold when people who are here really need some warmth and hope and the white clinical look is so depressing; it literally sucks the hope out of you. It’s as if the longer you are here, the more you think that there is no way that things can end up well.

And once again, I’m sitting here waiting to hear about Justin. God, I never want to see a hospital again; it feels like every time I’m in one it has to do with Justin and I don’t know how many more traumas his body can take. When he collapsed at Deb’s I felt as if everything was gone, as if I was in this dark place with no light because he was the light. I was moving and I was doing what I was supposed to do to get him to the hospital but there was nothing going on beneath the surface.

I don’t know what is going on because no one has come back to talk to me. The family is all here waiting for an answer as well, but after glaring and growling at them all, they have finally left me alone. Alone, that’s a weird thought, most of my life I have tried so hard to be alone and to perpetrate the image of not needing anyone, but the truth is I have always needed someone. However, I never knew real need until a little twink made his way into my life. Now there is Justin, Gus, and a life that can’t even sustain itself outside of Justin’s body yet and I’m completely wrapped around all of their fingers.

I just don’t know what to do if Justin and/or the baby don’t make it. I don’t understand what went wrong; we were doing all the things that the doctor told us. He has been eating well, keeping the stress out of his life as much as possible, and not doing anything strenuous.

“Justin Taylor? Who’s here for Justin Taylor?” A nurse I don’t know calls and I immediately leap to my feet along with the rest of the family.

“I’m his partner.” I state at the same time as Jennifer says, “I’m his mother.”

“Okay, the doctor will see you both now.” the nurse says with a gentle smile before leading us further into the hospital.

As we are walking, I see Jen turn her head and I know she is assuring the rest that they will get news as soon as she knows what it is. However, I don’t pay attention to it because all I can think about is the doctor and the fact that a few words from him could bring my life crashing and burning to my feet.

We walk into the smaller waiting room where the doctor stands waiting for us and I can tell Jennifer is holding her breath, much like I’m doing, as we wait to hear what he has to say.

“First off, I’d like to say that both Justin and the baby are alright.” he then pauses as both of us let out a large puff of air. Even though his words have relaxed me a little, I know that it isn’t all good because something happened to Justin today and he still hasn’t told us what it was.

“Okay, so what happened to him? Why was he in so much pain? Was he in labor?” I rush out, afraid of the answers but needing them more than my next breath.

“Why don’t we sit down?” the doctor suggests and just as I’m about to tell him to just spit it out, Jennifer lays her hand on my arm and leads me over to the couch. I look at her about to tell her off too, when I notice the stress on her face and I know she needs to sit, to have a moment to deal with everything. So I follow her to the couch and as soon as we are settled, I look back to the doctor, silently demanding answers.

“Alright, what happened to Justin today was called Braxton Hicks contractions. Braxton Hicks are sporadic contractions that actually start at about 6 weeks, although most people don’t feel them that early, if at all. Now in woman, these help the cervix ripen but as I’m sure you already know, because men have to have a C-section to have a child, for men Braxton Hicks only cause stress to the parent and the fetus. They are dangerous but not overly so, if we can get them to stop.”

“Well, you got them to stop, right?” Jen asks quietly, this new information scaring us both.

“For now, yes, but we have to worry about reoccurrences.” The doctor informs us seriously.

“Well, what caused them? Is there something we can do to make sure it never happens again?” I ask determined that I will do whatever I can to make sure Justin will be alright.

“Well, they are caused by great stress. A lot of times, they are caused by things like accidents or the death of a loved one or something else that is extremely stressful. So if you guys could tell me what was happening when Justin collapsed, we can do what we can to make sure this doesn’t happen again.” the doctor explains in a grave manner.

“He wasn’t doing anything, we we’re at a family dinner, nothing happened.” I say.

“Well, something happened to stress him out that much and we need to figure out what it was.” he replies.

“I will talk to Justin, I will find out what is going on.” I say with a hint of steel in my voice, that I know by the looks on both Jennifer and the doctor, they heard.

“Okay, but remember to not make a big deal out of it. We need to find out what happened but he can’t deal with anymore stress.” the doctor cautions.

We all talk a little more as the doctor makes sure that we understand that Justin’s stress level should be non-existent and we go over ways for that to happen. Then the doctor’s pager goes off and he apologizes and excuses himself, leaving Jen and me alone.

Once the doctor is gone, we go over a couple things we can do to lower his stress level before going to see him. One of the major concerns for Justin is still being in the loft at this point in his pregnancy, but with the money problems, we haven’t been able to find a suitable place that I can afford. Kinnetik is doing well but it’s still starting up and I had to sink a lot of money into a place for the offices.

Jennifer found me a great place, the old Bathhouse. It took a bit more remodeling than most places would, but it fit me and the image I want for Kinnetik. The other problem is because of this, I haven’t been able to afford a down payment on a house that would suit Justin and I.

“We need to do something about a house. I know that is really stressing Justin out because the loft isn’t big enough for the baby, so something needs to be done about it, like right now. Maybe I can get another loan so I can get something.” I tell Jennifer because I want her to go out and find one as soon as possible and I know she will get my meaning.

“Well, I actually have an idea for that. I have been looking at the things you want in a house and I have found something perfect. It’s a little bigger than you were thinking and it’s in West Virginia but it’s got all the things you wanted, some things that I know Justin will love, and it’s only thirty minutes outside Pittsburgh.” Jennifer informs me and it makes me smile that she has been trying to deal with this problem without being asked. Still, the problem is affording it; although Kinnetik is doing great, I’ll need to sign a few more clients before I can do a down payment on any house the size it sounds like she is talking about.

“Okay, well, I’ll go to the bank as soon as I can and see if I can get a loan for the down payment. I’m not worried about the mortgage payments but coming up with the down payment is going to be a little hard.” I admit, although everything in me wants to not show her the vulnerability of not being able to pay for something. The thing is, I know now that I can confide in her, much like I can in her son and neither of them will ever use it against me or make me feel bad about not being enough.

“Brian, the thing is that I have a way to deal with the down payment and please don’t be all prideful about it. Not only do I want to help you but I also want to help my son. Please, just let me do this for you guys.” Jennifer begs me.

“How would you pull that off, if I considered letting you do it?” I ask her in a gruff voice that most people would find intimidating but Jennifer, like her son, seems to understand the underlying emotions behind it.

“Let me deal with that, just let me help you guys, Brian.” she pleads and for a moment I look into her eyes and I know that I will let her do this, not just because we need this but also because she seems to need to help. I know that she has felt like a failure as a mother over a lot of the things that have happened since Justin was seventeen and this, it seems, is her way of being able to help. So I just swallow my pride and nod at her, accepting her as she throws herself into my arms like I just did her a huge favor.

I know that later we will have to talk about this more but in a silent agreement, we bench it right now to head over to Justin’s room, both of us determined to find out what had caused this. I know, and I’m sure that Jennifer does as well, that Justin is hiding whatever it was that happened and we are going to have to get him to tell us without adding to his stress, if that’s at all possible.

“Hey Jus,” I say softly as I push open the door to his room, laying my eyes on my very pregnant partner.

“Hey,” he answered, looking towards me but not meeting my eyes.

I walk over to him, Jennifer on my heels, and sit at the head of his bed before gently pulling his head into my lap. He tries to keep his head straight so I can’t look into his eyes but I gently turn it so I can.

In them I see what I knew I would, he knows what I need to ask him and he doesn’t want to give me the answer. I don’t know what has happened but I have a damn good guess and I can feel the rage well up inside me at the thought.

“Tell me,” I gently demand as Jennifer comes to my side, holding Justin’s hand as soon as she’s in range.

“What?” he asks like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about and I can tell by the look in he’s eyes and the fact that he tried to move away from me, that he knows exactly what I’m asking.

“Justin, I really need you to understand, okay? Whatever happened stressed you out so much that it caused something that can hurt you and the baby. You need to tell me what it is so it can be fixed and we don’t have to worry about it anymore. Jus, please let’s get this out in the open; I don’t want anything to happen to you or the baby.” I beg him, trying to blink away the tears I feel burning the back of my eyes at the thought of anything happening to him or the baby.

It takes a few minutes and coaxing from both Jennifer and I, but eventually Justin came out with the truth. At my insistence, he gave us basically a word for word account of what was said between him and Mikey and him and Lindsay.

After hearing that not only had they even said that shit to Justin but that they couldn’t even get through one family dinner without doing it, I have to say I am seeing red and every muscle in my body is tight, wanting to go and find them and rip them apart. I can tell that Jennifer has many of the same feelings when I see the fire hidden behind her Waspy façade.

After a while, Justin slipped into slumber and Jennifer and I talked about what needed to be done. The doctor decided to keep Justin overnight to make sure everything was going to be alright and we wanted to get things done before Justin got home. I called Emmett in and asked him to come by and sit with Justin while we dealt with all the other stuff, because I don’t want Justin to be alone but some stuff needs to be done before he is out and has to deal with it.

The others seem put off that I only ask Emmett to go back but as soon as Emmett is settled in, Jennifer and I go back out to the waiting room where the rest of the family is. I tilt my head, indicating to the way out and start walking that way without making sure they were all behind me. I plan on heading out and making them follow me but the mumbles and grumbles of protest behind me get louder. 

They want to see Justin and although I understand what they want, it doesn’t matter to me right now. Not only is Justin sleeping but also he can’t handle the stress that the ‘family’ brings, especially because the reasons he is in here, are in the group that is grumbling. I turn back to them and glare sharper and harsher than I think I have ever before and it seems that even Deb knows there is no fucking with me, cause she starts to follow along with everyone else.

As I turn back around, I notice that Jennifer is also giving them an intimidating glare and I rub my hand down her arm as we lead the way out of the hospital. We both jump into our cars and head out, not worrying about whether the others were following us but know that they were. For some reason, it’s a forgone conclusion that we would be heading back to Deb, back to the place that it started earlier because it is going to end tonight one way or the other.

Jen and I wait on the porch for the others and then Deb passes us to open the door and I can tell by her face that she knows that whatever is going to happen isn’t going to be good. She wants to say something to stop the inevitable but I just shake my head slightly at her and she sighs and opens the door.

As soon as everyone is in the house, I turn to face Michael to start there and to my surprise, I see Jennifer march up to him and smack him, hard.

“What the fuck?” Stutters Michael as he holds his already reddening cheek.

Everyone is concentrating on Michael, wondering why Jennifer hit him but not looking at Jennifer until the sound of another hard smack cuts through the room. Of course, once Jen had hit Mikey, I knew she would be going after Lindsay so I was watching her, taking some satisfaction in watching Lindz’ head snap to the side with the force of the blow and jumping in when Mel went to go after Jen.

The chorus of voices is almost deafening.

“What the fuck, Brian? Get out of the way, no one hits Lindsay.” growls Mel.

“What the hell is going on here Jen? You can’t just go around hitting people.” Deb booms.

“I think we all need to calm down.” Ben, always the peacemaker says, even though I can tell he wants to defend Michael.

“Shut the fuck up, all of you.” Jennifer screams. “I could have lost my son because of these two spineless fucks, so they should be glad all I did was smack them.”

Again, the room breaks out in voices, asking question after question, wondering what she is talking about, but finally I break in. I order everyone to sit down and they do without question, except Mikey and Lindsay but with a glare from me, they finally do. They both sit next to their partners, who just minutes ago were completely on their side but now were looking at them wondering what they had done, along with everyone else.

“Okay, I’m going to say this shit and everyone is going to shut up and listen because I’m not going to say any of it again.” I start with a glare around the room, effectively shutting everyone up. “Because of things that have happened, Justin and I have steered clear of these family dinners because we didn’t want any more shit, but finally he was convinced to come back to one. The thing is, that we couldn’t even get through one of them without fucking drama, without jealous little assholes taking their shit out on Justin.” Once again, both Jennifer and I send glares, promising pain to Michael and Lindsay.

“I thought that I could trust you guys, I thought that you would get over your petty resentments when you saw that this is what I wanted, but you just couldn’t because I’m not supposed to be happy, am I? Or at least I’m not supposed to be happy if it’s not with you.” I thunder out at them.

“That’s not true…” Mikey started.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” is Lindsay’s try but I cut them both off.

“You both know exactly what I’m talking about so shut the fuck up. Why is it that you both can have partners, someone you love, but I can’t have that as well? Well, let me make this clear to you both, I love Justin and I’m never letting either of you do anything more to bring him harm. I want nothing to do with either of you. Now I know that we will see each other at family things and the diner and Lindsay when I see Gus but that’s it.” I see Lindsay about to say something and I know what it is so I cut in before she can say anything.

“And don’t even think about trying to deny me my son because you won’t like what happens.” I snarl at her.

Right then Jennifer and I head to the door, not heeding the pleas for us to come back. We have a lot to get accomplished and right now the ‘family’ isn’t our number one concern. But before we make it out the door, it flies from my hand and slams closed. I kind of just look at it for a second and Jennifer jumps in surprise but a can’t say I’m really all that surprised to see Michael beside me, so mad he’s almost frothing at the mouth.

“Oh hell no, you don’t just get to come in here and send down your decree and walk out. I don’t know what that little shit told you but I can’t believe you are just going to take his word and not even ask your two oldest friends what happened. I can’t believe that Boy Wonder has once again got exactly what he wants and you’re just letting him.” Michael basically screams in my face.

I look at him for a moment and then at Lindsay, who seems in total agreement with him although she doesn’t come up and voice it, she’s smarter than that and I can tell Mel has a hold on her as well.

“You’re gonna stand there and tell me nothing happened? That you didn’t corner him when he went up to the bathroom and accuse him of any number of things, not even worrying that he wasn’t supposed to be under any stress of any kind?” I ask in a low dangerous voice, almost daring him to lie to me.

“God, all we did was have a conversation,” Mikey answers, apparently seeing that lying was not in his best interest. “And if he was under any ‘stress’ because of it, it’s only because he knew that what I was saying was true.” he says sneeringly.

“Oh really, and what was true, hmm? I suppose I’m to believe that the baby’s not mine, right?” I inquire, actually surprised that I can keep my temper in check this long but Jen has her hand on my back and although it isn’t as good as when Justin does it, it helps.

“Come on Brian, even you have to admit that the chances of that baby being yours is slim to none at best. I mean, we all know how careful you are. I think you just have to admit it, at least to yourself, he let someone else fuck him bareback and he only did it to trap you because he knew you would never stay with him, the trick who never left. He’s just a whor…” I pull my arm back because I’m going to kill him right the fuck now, but my action is cut off by a loud shout.

“Shut up Michael, you little jealous prick. God, I can’t believe that I put up with you, much less Brian. You just won’t accept it, will you?” Ben says with more anger than I have ever even thought he was possible of.

“W..hat?” Michael stutters looking at Ben in shock, a feeling mirror by everyone in the room, even me.

“You have just destroyed your relationship with Brian, not to mention you could have done serious harm to Justin and the baby with your petty jealousy and you don’t even fucking care.” Ben says with effort to control his anger, although not that successfully.

“You don’t understand, I have to say something. Brian’s my best…” Michael starts whining only to be cut off by Ben.

“Friend, I know, we all know, the only problem is you’re not Brian’s best friend.” Ben’s voice now holds defeat more than anything else.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Michael snaps, not happy with the way things are going and it’s obvious to everyone but him that he is not only losing me, but Ben as well. I can even see Lindsay backing off, afraid of going down the same road and losing more than she already has.

“If you were his friend, you would be happy that he’s happy and you would help him grow instead of doing everything you can to mess up his relationship and keep him fourteen forever.” Ben said in a tired voice.

I find myself wanting to reach out to Ben because I know how much he must be hurting but I see Vic lay a hand on his arm and I know Ben’s in good hands. I once again sweep the room with my eyes and when I land on Lindsay and Melanie, I know that that isn’t over yet but I really don’t feel that I can deal with it now. I know that Lindsay and I will go-rounds as well but right now, I just need to get away. 

Melanie nods at me, knowing what my eyes are saying and Lindsay has a difficult time meeting my eyes. So in a voice sounding as tired as Ben’s, I say goodbye and know that nothing will be the same again.

“I know we had plans but right now I just want to go back to the hospital and be with Justin.” I tell Jennifer as soon as we’re out on the porch.

“Don’t worry about it, go ahead and comfort each other. I can handle a lot of the other stuff on my end. Once I get everything set up, I’ll call you for a good time to see the house.” Jennifer says before giving me a quick hug and heading off while I head to Justin.


	24. Blood

Justin’s POV

I blink at the blinding light and then I remember that I’m in the hospital, again. God, I just can’t believe this, every little thing now is debilitating. I feel like such a weak little faggot like so many people have told me I am. I mean what the hell, right, I can’t even take Michael and Lindsay bitching at me without ending up in the hospital. God, I hate my life.

And what the fuck is wrong with them anyway? I mean yeah, I know that Michael has never really liked me and after all that shit with Ethan it’s not like I didn’t expect it to get worse. The thing is he is really going out of his way to be a total prick now. And shit…Lindsay, hell, all this time I thought Lindsay was my friend but boy was I wrong. I guess I was just her friend when she could give Brian something I couldn’t, or some such crap as that, because since she found out I was pregnant, she has lost her fucking mind.

“Hey Princess!” Emmett exclaims, breaking me from my thoughts.

“Hey Em, what’s up?” I ask, slightly suspicious as to why he’s here.

“Nothing, I just came to see you.” Em tries out his innocent voice, and let me tell you, it can use some work.

“So you’re on baby-sitting duty, huh?” I shoot back, wanting to be angry but not quite making it because I know how worried I have made Brian.

“Oh baby, he’s just…”

“Worried about me.” I cut in. “I know he is and I’m not really even mad that he’s given me a baby-sitter. I’m just kind of mad that he feels he needs to, and for good reason too.” I say and I hear the despondent note even in my own voice.

“Well honey, it’s just with everything going on, he wants to make sure you’re alright.” Emmett tries to assure me, misunderstanding what I said.

“I know that Em, that’s the point. I’m sick of being weak, of always being the victim that big bad Brian has to continually save.” I confide. I don’t know why but I have always been able to talk to Emmett, he is always understanding and although he normally has an upbeat outlook on life, he can accept the bad things as well without going overboard.

“Justin, you can’t blame yourself for things that happen and none of us think you’re weak. Hell, I know Brian thinks you’re one of the strongest people he knows.” He informs me.

“It’s just that there are so many things that I’m worried about right now and I don’t know how I’m going to have no stress in my life. I’m having a baby, that’s fucking stressful.” I know I’m pouting but I can’t help it.

“Don’t you want the baby?” Emmett asks with nervous tension in his voice.

“Yes, yes I do.” I answer in a sad voice. “I have always wanted children but when I got with Brian, I kind of realized that it could never be but now that it’s happening, I don’t know what to do. What if I’m not a good father, Em? What if it all goes to shit between Brian and me? And not to mention the way Michael and Lindsay are being about this.” I lay my worries on him.

“Well first off, Michael and Lindsay just need to get over themselves; they don’t own Brian and never will and they have to accept that or they won’t like the consequences.” he starts and I can hear the steel in his voice. 

Most people upon seeing Emmett would brush him off as no one to worry about because he looks like the definition of a nelly queen. But if you look past that, you would see the steel will and muscle bound body. I know he loves me and I’m thankful for that but truth is, I wouldn’t mess with him about something serious.

“And secondly, every parent has those fears. It’s not the absence of fears that make you a good parent, it’s that you have those fears, that you worry. And I’ll tell you something else, you will worry forever; you will worry all the time that the baby is growing up, whether you are doing the right thing and a million other things that right now you probably can’t even imagine worrying about.” He says with a smile and not for the first time I wonder how Emmett got so wise, because he is, just in a sort of weird way.

“And lastly, I would love to tell you that you and Brian are going to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after with no problems whatsoever, but we both know that’s not going to happen.” he starts and I’m terrified that he is about to tell me that Brian and I can’t make it because Em’s right about so many things and if he predicts this, I’m afraid it’s true so I go to interrupt but before I can even open my mouth, he’s already speaking again. “No one gets that Justin, every relationship has its own set of problems and you two will have some doozies. I mean, you are both drama queens, there is no way you won’t have issues settling into a real relationship, especially since neither of you have had one before and, well, Brian is a bit of a pain in the ass.”

“Not in yours and Justin likes it when I’m a pain in his ass.” Brian snarks from the door, startling us both.

Jen’s POV

I walk out with my head held high; I know there is no other way for me to act although I can’t really believe what I just did. I never thought it would come to this. Hell, I promised myself I would never do this but for Justin, and Brian if I want to be honest, I will do anything.

I shake myself out of my thoughts and head to my office. I have several houses for Brian and Justin to look at but I already think I know which one they’re going to pick.

Brian’s POV

I walk to Justin’s hospital room, once again cursing the fact that he has to be here and why he is here; God, I want to kick Michael and Lindsay’s ass. I breathe out a sigh to break my train of thought before I go in to see Justin, as not to cause him any stress by sensing mine, when I hear Justin and Emmett talking. 

I listen for a minute as Justin goes on about his fears and a weight lifts from my shoulders, not only at Em’s insightful answers but also from the fact that Justin has the same fears as I do. For some reason, the fact that we are both scared shitless makes me feel better and I enter the room with my usual snark.

“Not in yours and Justin likes it when I’m a pain in his ass.” I say, even though they both know I mean no harm by it. For some reason Emmett has always gotten me, not as well as Justin mind you, but he still understands, whereas my ‘best friends’ never did.

“Hey?” Justin says in that way that asks a million questions, that even though I like him, I’m not prepared to answer in front of Emmett.

“Hey.” is all I say and he knows to drop it for now.

We all chat for a minute but Em can tell he’s no longer needed and he gently lets himself out after much gushing. When he leaves, I immediately crawl into bed with Justin. I want to talk to him about our fears and we talk best in bed, holding each other.

“So what happened?” Justin asks as soon as we are comfortable in our normal ‘talk’ position.

“Well, your mom said she could help us get a house, that she has a way of coming up with the money and I agreed.” I inform him and hope he does not freak; he worries about his mom a lot so I doubt he is going to like this. Hell, I don’t like it but what she said was true and if she can pull it off without sending her and Molly out on the streets, I have to let her right now. Of course she will be getting her money back, literally, as soon as I can.

“What? Why would you agree with that? Her and Molly need that money to live. You just call her back and tell her no way.” he shoots out without taking a breath.

“Don’t worry Justin; she said that there was something she could do and that the money wouldn’t come out of her money for her and Molly.” I’m quick to reassure him, I don’t want to add anymore stress.

We talk about it for a few minutes, the entire time I’m talking fast, trying to stop the argument that I know is coming, but also knowing I can’t give in even though that would be easier. I know that once he gets it through his head, that this is not straining his mother’s finances, he will be fine with it and it will take one thing off this mind.

“Well, how is she getting the money then?” he asks. A very good question, one unfortunately I don’t have an answer for.

“I don’t know Justin, but I do trust her and if she says it will be fine, I have to take that at face value.” I say in a last ditch effort to get him to let it go. I’m hoping that he will think that he needs to trust her as well.

“Well, I guess that’s true, my mother doesn’t lie.” he says in a thoughtful voice and I breathe a sigh of relief because while I know it’s not over, I also know he won’t turn it into a huge thing now.

Now that the argument is over, we are holding each other in Justin’s cramped hospital bed and talking about the house. We both have ideas on what we want but nothing concrete. I can tell Justin is holding back on what he really wants in deference to me, so I don’t get scared and run. The only thing he doesn’t know is that I already know his tastes **;** I listen to him even when I’m pretending not to. I have to add that to my things that I never do to Justin again list because that must have hurt him. 

Anyway, where was I, oh yeah right, the house. One time he mentioned to me the house of his dreams, although I can’t remember why and when I started thinking about getting a house together I remembered that. With a call to Daphne and a conversation with his mother, I got a better picture of what it is he wants.

That is what I told Jen we wanted, although we are going to have to compromise on the interior a little because it has to be me a little. He knows that we are looking for this type of house we have already talked about it. He argued then, saying it wasn’t me but finally he gave in. That made me suspicious then and it still nags at my mind because he was so dead set against it and then he just up and agreed. Usually when he does that he has a plan, so I have to pay attention to him whenever house stuff comes up so he can’t pull off whatever he has up his sleeve.

Justin’s POV

Brian and I are talking about the house again and I can tell by the look on his face he is thinking about our argument; about it being the house of my dreams and me not wanting to do that because it wasn’t him. I know he knew something was up the moment I changed my tune and agreed and he is driving himself crazy trying to figure out what I’m up to, but he isn’t going to figure it out.

“So what else is there, Brian?” I ask when he seems to hesitate to say whatever it is on his mind.

“I was here, at your room earlier when you were talking to Emmett.” he says slowly. ‘Oh God he heard about my doubts about the baby,’ is all I can think. I have to do something about this quickly. I can’t have him thinking that I don’t want the baby. I start to open my mouth to say something, anything to make it better, when he starts speaking again.

“I just wanted you to know that I worry about those things too. I felt like such a bad person because I was worried about not knowing how to be a father, or us not making it, or God, even becoming my father. I just have to tell you how glad I am that I’m not alone. I couldn’t tell you before because I didn’t want to stress you and I didn’t want you to think less of me.” Brian rambles on. 

I have rarely ever seen him be so exposed and I hope after the baby is born that he will get a better handle on things. Although I love that he is able to expose his feelings, he has never been able to before so he really doesn’t have the same filter that most people have and so much is rushing out of him lately. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love that he is more open but because he has never been open basically at all, now he is wide open and I’m afraid that the littlest thing will hurt him. Also truthfully, I have always loved Brian and although I might have wanted him to be more open with me, I did fall in love with the person that he is. I know underneath he is softer than he shows most times and I don’t want to completely lose that Brian. 

Brian and I continue to share one of our moments, which had only before happened in the loft, in our bed, but I know that he has been worried about me if he’s willing to do this; if he’s willing to do this in a place that anyone could walk in at any moment. I snuggle deeper into him and rub my stomach as once again a twinge hits me solidly in the gut. 

“Hey boys, am I interrupting?” my mother calls from the door and although Brian stiffens a lot he doesn’t get out of bed. I know that he now likes my mother but he still doesn’t like anyone being with us in personal moments.

“Nah, it’s alright. What’s up?” I answer, hoping to relax Brian again.

“Well, I assume Brian’s talked to you?” she pause and I nod affirmatively. “Okay, good. Well, I have that all taken care of and I have brought some houses for you guys to look at. I wanted you to look at the listings and narrow it down and then once you’re out of here, we can go look at the ones you pick.”

“Great. Let’s see them.” Brian says as he sits up completely and I give a slight rub to my stomach again to ease another twinge and sit up as well.

My mother hands us a pack of listings and comes over to stand on the side of the bed while we look through them. Brian and I have some specific wants for the house and so Brian just declines the first few houses without even looking at me, knowing I wasn’t interested in them either. 

Then at the back of the pile, the very last listing is my dream house, I mean like straight from my fantasies. The house is so perfect my breath catches in awe. I sneak a glance over at Brian to see his reaction and he’s got a smile on his face, not the usual snarky one, but the real one only Gus and I really get to see.

I give a sigh of relief as I once again rub a hand down my stomach, I don’t know what the baby is doing in there but it sure as hell isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world.

Once I have the pain back under control I start reading the listing more thoroughly and it’s fucking perfect, it’s almost like the house was built for us. It’s huge, something that Brian has always wanted. Coming from a blue-collar background, he feels the need to out do his family and whereas most people may find this arrogant, I understand his need to be better than the people who were so horrible to him. There’s an Olympic sized swimming pool and a sunroom, aka my studio, as well as a carriage house and the master bedroom and bath cover the space of the loft.

“We’ll take it,” Brian announces after a quick glace at me.

“Are you sure you don’t want to see it first?” my mother asks but you can tell just by the look on her face that she’s ecstatic that we have chosen that one.

“Does it look as good as it does in the photos?” Brian asks when it becomes obvious that I won’t be joining in on the conversation but I don’t think I can and still be able to deal with the weird pain I’m in.

“Better.” my mother answers with an excited voice.

“Then we’ll take it.” Brian answers.

“Perrr.” I start but the word ends in a hiss of pain and agony as another pain hits me and this time I can’t deal with it, it’s too harsh.

I fall back on the bed, in excruciating pain and I can dimly hear my mother’s and Brian panicked voices but I can’t tell what they’re saying. I force my eyes open and look at Brian as he raises his hand from where he had just set it near my thighs.

“Fuck, it’s blood!” He exclaims looking at his blood soaked hand.


	25. Life or/and Death

Dr. Harding's POV

I sigh as I open yet another chart. I'm a OBGYN specializing in male pregnancy and I love my job .I'm on the cutting edge as male pregnancy is fairly new but I have to say I hate all the paper work that comes with being a doctor.

An annoying noise reaches through my concentration and it takes me a minute to figure out what it is. Someone is buzzing the call button repeatedly instead of just pressing it down and waiting for an answer. Normally we would wait for a nurse to check it out but the way it's being pushed tells me a doctor had better head there now. I look down at the screen and the number I see breaks me into a full out run.

I recognize the room number immediately as Justin Taylor's room. He has had a higher risk pregnancy then most men because he seems to have a stressful life and if he's pushing the button, especially like that, there is definitely something wrong.

As I reach the room, a nurse on my heels, I see Jennifer Taylor, Justin's mom standing there holding the door open with a look of pure panic on her face and my worry deepens. If it had been only Justin who was worried I wouldn't be as afraid because it's his first child, but Jennifer has had two and knows what to expect.

As I pass Mrs. Taylor I catch a glimpse of the usually stoic Brian Kinney, one hand still slamming on the call button and the other held aloft in horror, covered in blood.

I'm yelling orders and within seconds the room is filling with people, and Brian and Jennifer are being gently pushed from the room, both of them wanting to stay at Justin's side. 

Once we get them out of the room I quickly assess the situation, gently pushing Justin's legs up and probing him to see what is going on with the baby. I suck in a worried breath as I feel that he is not dilating but that the baby is readying to come out. The angle his stomach is sitting is a worry also. I reach up and press down on his stomach, once I have the baby trapped between my hands, I run them down and my worst fears are confirmed, the baby's breech. 

I'm shouting out orders once again, this time calling for an operating room as myself and three other people, two on each side of Justin lift him quickly but gently and transfer him out of the bed onto a gurney. Justin is too early and he is bleeding rather profusely. He'll need a C-section and soon, if either of them are going to survive.

Brian's POV

I try to propel myself forward, towards Justin as nurses and orderlies swarm the room at the doctor's call. They are trying to push me out of the room but I don't want to leave Justin's side. I have a bad feeling about this. 

Finally both Jennifer and I are pushed from the room. I was so involved in trying to be allowed to stay that I never even noticed that she was fighting the same battle. We look at each other at the same moment, acknowledging our shared fear for Justin. The fear I feel is magnified exponentially when I see it mirrored in her eyes.

After we stop fighting, pushing to be with Justin, everyone rushes away from us to Justin's side except one orderly. He tries to usher us to the waiting room, trying to stop us as we watch the flurry of activity that is going on around Justin.

Within minutes Jennifer and I watch as Justin is transferred out of the bed he was on and onto a gurney and then we are being pushed back again as he's whisked out of the room. The doctor is beside Justin as they rush out of the room and down the hall. As he passes me I catch the doctor's eye for a moment and again my fear magnifies because I can tell by the look in his eyes that he doesn't have much hope for Justin.

Both Jennifer and I stare at the door they took Justin through for a good five minutes before the bustle of people walking by our still forms brings us back to reality. We shuffle off to the waiting room, once again about to sit in those hard, plastic chairs and wait to see if Justin is going to live or die. I wonder if this is bringing her back to the prom, if the antiseptic smell and the twisting worry in my gut is shared by her and she feels like we have been here before as well. I want to look down at myself, to check and make sure I'm not in a tux covered in blood but I restrain myself, just barely.

Unlike that time though, Jennifer sits right beside me, not ostracizing me with blame but still I can't help but blame myself. I couldn't keep him without stress, they're my 'friends' that couldn't stop being assholes. Hell. I'm even the one who got him pregnant, so this is all my fault again, isn't it? I know that this isn't a helpful train of thought but truthfully, if it keeps me from the overwhelming fear that Justin isn't going to make it, then bring on the guilt.

After a few minutes I feel Jennifer's hand creep into mine, hers small and cold in mine and I squeeze it, offering bullshit comfort because it's what she needs. Before Justin I would have just pulled my hand away, not wanting her to touch me and snarked at her for thinking that my holding her hand could do anything for her. You only have yourself, right. But knowing Justin has changed all that. No- one who had tried to offer me comfort that way had ever succeeded so I thought it was bull and Hell, most people never tried but Justin. Justin could always bring a change in the way I felt by just touching me. No matter how slight the change was, it has helped me understand that there is something to it. Some feeling behind it that makes it work and that maybe everyone isn't as alone as I thought.

I have to wonder though if these realizations are coming too late, if my introspective mind is finally clueing in and it will be for naught. The thought sends tremors down my spine and I feel my hand grip Jennifer's tighter, seemingly without direction or even knowledge from my brain. 

Right then a doctor comes into the room, looking exhausted and disheartened and I stiffen. A responding stiffness leaps through Jennifer as we both wait for what he has to say.

"Jeff Russo?" he calls out and the two other people in the room that I hadn't even noticed until now stand up. The doctor ushers them a little ways away to talk to them and for some reason I'm watching them. Watching what is happening with them is letting me stay outside of my mind and not concentrate on Justin and what he must be going through right now. So I watch them as if my life depends on what is happening to them.

I see the doctor's grim face and I know what's going on before I see the woman plummet to her knees as if the life just drained from her and she couldn't hold herself up any longer. I know the news they just got. Anyone would, just by their reactions. Hell, the man, I suppose it's Jeff's father, looks like someone just punched him in the gut while killing his best friend. I guess that's how you look when your child dies.

My chest clenches at the thought that I never want to know what he feels like and more immediately I don't want Jennifer to ever feel as the woman before me feels. My mind is cruel and replaces the petite brunette with the slim, waspy figure of Jennifer, as if I'm seeing her react to similar news about Justin and I feel as if I'm being crushed by the weight of my heart ache.

I shake my head and look away, not wanting to put myself and Jennifer in their shoes any longer. Not sure if I can even handle the thought, much less the possibility, when I catch Jennifer's eye and see it glued to the same scene and knowing once again we're having the same thoughts. Another squeeze to the hand and her eyes swing to me and we share an infinitely sad smile, knowing what the other is thinking but not willing to voice it.

Neither of us has spoken. I know I have never been much for words. Too introspective and not wanting my feelings known keeps me quiet most of the time but now it's more. Now I don't want to open my mouth, afraid that once I start I won't be able to censor what comes out, afraid that all my fears and pain will come rushing out. Even more afraid that if they do, my fears will come to pass.

Dr. Harding's POV

We get to the OR and the nurses push Justin into the room while I scrub up alone with an OR doctor. We are the model of efficiency and within moments we're heading in, ready to do our jobs, ready to save someone. By the time we get into the room we see that the nurses have already started the IV and have cleaned Justin's stomach. Two nurses are now on each side of him, shaving his belly.

As the meds are flowing into Justin through the IV and he is being shaved, the other doctor and I are checking the read-out on his vitals and waiting less than patiently for the anesthesiologist to come and do his part. I watch Justin's heart rate slow down more and more as the time passes and both the OR doctor and myself are screaming for confirmation on when the anesthesiologist will be there.

Finally the door bursts open and the anesthesiologist comes rushing through with an apology in his eyes although I know he would never voice one because he's a doctor just like we are and we know how things can go wrong. He rushes in and checks everything and within moments he's administering the anesthesia.

Once Justin is out I'm on one side of him and the OR doctor is positioning the scalpel to make the initial cut.

Jennifer's POV

I'm sitting in the waiting room with Brian, holding his hand, waiting to see what's going on with my son and my grandchild. I have to call Craig, so I motion to Brian that I'm heading outside. I know he wants to offer to go with me but also that he doesn't want to leave in case something happens. So I wave to him allowing him to stay in here because he wants to but also because I want someone in here as well. 

I get outside and automatically brace myself for having to tell Craig how bad it could be. No parent ever takes the fact that their child could die well. I pull out my cell and dial his number, hoping Molly doesn't answer because I don't want her to be able to tell how wrong things are going by my voice. I know she will ask and I don't want to lie to her but I also don't want to tell her either.

"Hello?" Craig answers in his usual snide voice and I know he must have seen my name come up on the caller ID.

"I'm still at the hospital; I'm just calling to give you an update." I inform him, knowing the worry I feel is thick in my voice but there's nothing I can do to stop it.

"An update?" he questions curiously.

"You know about Justin," I say, my confusion at his apparent mystification whirling around in my head.

"Justin? Why the Hell would I need an update about Justin?" Craig asks, his voice still slightly confused but with a harsh undertone of anger to it now.

I pause for a minute because I know I told him what was going on when I dropped Molly off but then I shrug it off, figuring that he just wasn't listening, which isn't unusual but now I have to tell him what's going on. Shit! This is going to be harder than I thought.

I explain it to him as gently as possible, hoping that I'm not going to freak him out but truthfully I'm freaked out so I don't know how good a job I can do one that front. When I'm finished explaining about the pain and the blood and the fact that he is now in surgery, I wait a moment as this all sinks in before Craig answers me.

"What the fuck do I care that the fucking fairy got himself knocked up and he's having problems? It's just God's way of telling him that men aren't supposed to have babies. Maybe he will die and then I won't have to worry about him contaminating my daughter!" he screams and I hear a crash that indicates that he hung up the phone.

I look at the phone in my hand as tears start leaking down my face, although I don't know why I'm surprised. Craig wouldn't come when Justin got bashed. I don't know why I thought he would be here for this. Sometimes it still throws me that he is so different from the man I thought he was.

When you marry someone and remain married for twenty years you think you know them. You think you know what makes them tick and even though we never had a great marriage and he wasn't the best father, I was still convinced that he loved his children. I look to the doors of the hospital and I know that I was wrong. He doesn't love Justin and he couldn't have ever. Love isn't like that. If you really love your child, you love them no matter what.

I snap the phone shut and shake my head as I start walking back into the hospital, wondering if there will come a time when Molly does something Craig doesn't like and he writes her off in much the same manner. I know that just like with Justin I will have to do whatever I can to be there for her, if that comes to pass. I will do whatever I can so that he can't cause more pain to my children.

As I round the bend to make my way into the waiting room I catch sight of Brian out of the corner of my eye and I know right then that it's Craig's loss. His loss, not only in no longer having his beautiful, talented, kind son in his life; not only for the fact that he will never even see his grandchild unless by some accident; but also because he will never really get to know this fantastic man who is in love with our son.

Brian is truthfully a hard person to get to know and an even harder one to get close to, but once you get to know him a little better you can tell what a good man he is under all that bravado. His love might usually be shown in the things he does for you and not in his words or even some of his actions but he loves deep and forever. I don't think I would wish someone else for my son now. I might not have known this too long ago but seeing him like this, stripped bare, afraid of losing so much, has shown me the real him and there's no one better. Not that I don't wish he was a little less damaged but I'm sure Justin will work on that.

Brian's POV

I watch as Jennifer comes back in from outside, looking if possible, more upset than when she went out and with just that one glance I know who she called; Craig. God, I hate that man. I wouldn't have called him because I knew what his response would be but Jennifer is more like Justin in that respect; they always think the best of people no matter how many times they're proven wrong.

When Jennifer gets to the room she stops and stares at me for a minute, her face getting softer the longer she looks at me and for some reason, even though I know it's going to be sappy, I want to ask her what she's thinking. At that moment Doctor Harding comes walking back into the room.

We both scurry over to the doctor fast. Hell. I didn't even know I got up until I was right in front of him. The doctor looks tired and slightly listless which tightens the knot in my stomach to almost unbearable proportions but both Jennifer and I wait for him to say something, not willing to jump to conclusions.

"The baby was delivered just fine, a little on the small side but that's to be expected this early but all the organs are full developed. If you would like to follow me you can meet your daughter and your granddaughter." he says, a gentle smile on his face, but the underlying worry not erased by it.

We both follow him silently, shooting each other looks because he hasn't mentioned anything about Justin, both of us wanting to say something but afraid we won't want the answer. Once we get to the nursery the doctor points out my daughter and just like with her father, one look and I'm in love.

I see the doctor open the chart in his hand out of the corner of my eye and figure now is when he is going to fill us in on Justin. I don't turn and look at him, just stare at my daughter, trying to brace myself to hear whatever it is he has to say.

"So do you have a name picked out yet?" he questions and I shoot him a look because that wasn't what I was expecting and realize that it's the baby's chart he has, not Justin's.

"Yeah we do," I make sure to enunciate the "we" because I noticed he hadn't said it and for some reason it bothered me. "It's Arionna Rianin Taylor-Kinney," I say with pride in my voice. He looks at me weirdly and I give no explanations for the name. I just tell him how to spell it and turn back to look at her, still waiting for him to tell us about Justin.

"Now about Justin…" he seems to hesitate, "he should be back in his room by now." These words should bring elation but something in his tone says that there's nothing to be happy about. He turns and looks me squarely in the eyes before starting again, "We did all we could for him but there was just too much internal damage. No one has told him this yet, but he won't be able to have any more children." the doctor tells me in a solemn voice and although I'm ecstatic with the unsaid news that he is going to be fine, I wonder if the rest will come back to haunt us. I push this out of my mind as I take one last glance at my daughter before heading to see Justin, Jennifer in tow.

AN: This is the final chapter of this story, I'm thankful to all of you who have read and reviewed this story, Later


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